SNL Transcripts: Richard Pryor: 12/13/75: Suicide Pill

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 7






75g: Richard Pryor / Gil Scott-Heron

Suicide Pill

General…..Dan Aykroyd
Major…..Richard Pryor

[FADE IN on a military general’s office. Dan Aykroyd, the general, is pushing pins into a map of Europe when a pair of boots is heard clomping into the room. Wearing a camouflage uniform, Richard Pryor walks in and stands at attention. He salutes Aykroyd smartly. Dan returns it.]

General: Evening, major. Team One is mighty glad you were selected for this mission.

Major: [softly] Thank you, sir.

General: You did a beautiful job of cleaning up Paraguay. Okay. While in the Ukraine, you’ll be using the following items:

[Dan picks up a device which looks like a grapnel hook attached to a toaster.]

General: This is a laser-guided electronic gaphook. This will help–this will help you get over the fuel dump selector fence perimeter. It’s a beautiful software item.

[picks up an object which looks somewhat like a dagger]

General: This is the digispan target fighter. Team Lab One’s newest piece of personnel elimination equipment. You’ll love it.

[points to items on desk]

General: And, uh, take that, and take that pill.

[Obediently, Pryor picks up the pill and swallows it. He chases it with a sip of water.]

General: Okay, now… the chopper will drop you here, in Quadrant B, and, uh…

[points to Pryor with pen]

General: That pill, by the way, is an L-Pill. Kills within 20 seconds of time of consumption. Poison lab came up with it. Take it if they try to capture you.

[Pryor stares at the map in disbelief while audience roars with laughter.]

General: [turns to map] Okay. This is what we’ll be doing. We’ll be dropping here in Sectors 5, 7, and 8…

[Pryor slumps slowly to the floor. Totally oblivious, Dan keeps talking and pointing to the map.]

General: Sectors 5, 7, and 8, we’ll be cross-breeding in here.

[Pryor lies motionless next to the desk.]

General: Major? You listening? This is a life-or-death matter here, now listen. What we’re going to do here… this is vital, Major, please pay attention.

[FADE to black over applause.]

Submitted by: Joe Cornfield

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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