Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 1: Episode 7
[FADE IN on a military generals office. Dan Aykroyd, the general, is pushing pins into a map of Europe when a pair of boots is heard clomping into the room. Wearing a camouflage uniform, Richard Pryor walks in and stands at attention. He salutes Aykroyd smartly. Dan returns it.]
General: Evening, major. Team One is mighty glad you were selected for this mission.
Major: [softly] Thank you, sir.
General: You did a beautiful job of cleaning up Paraguay. Okay. While in the Ukraine, youll be using the following items:[Dan picks up a device which looks like a grapnel hook attached to a toaster.]
General: This is a laser-guided electronic gaphook. This will help–this will help you get over the fuel dump selector fence perimeter. Its a beautiful software item.[picks up an object which looks somewhat like a dagger]
General: This is the digispan target fighter. Team Lab Ones newest piece of personnel elimination equipment. Youll love it.[points to items on desk]
General: And, uh, take that, and take that pill.[Obediently, Pryor picks up the pill and swallows it. He chases it with a sip of water.]
General: Okay, now… the chopper will drop you here, in Quadrant B, and, uh…[points to Pryor with pen]
General: That pill, by the way, is an L-Pill. Kills within 20 seconds of time of consumption. Poison lab came up with it. Take it if they try to capture you.[Pryor stares at the map in disbelief while audience roars with laughter.]
General: [turns to map] Okay. This is what well be doing. Well be dropping here in Sectors 5, 7, and 8…[Pryor slumps slowly to the floor. Totally oblivious, Dan keeps talking and pointing to the map.]
General: Sectors 5, 7, and 8, well be cross-breeding in here.[Pryor lies motionless next to the desk.]
General: Major? You listening? This is a life-or-death matter here, now listen. What were going to do here… this is vital, Major, please pay attention.
Submitted by: Joe Cornfield