Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 1: Episode 7
Daughter…..Gilda Radner/Annazette Chase
Mom…..Jane Curtin/Kathy McKee
Son…..John Belushi/Richard Pryor
[ open on a white suburban family talking over dinner ]
Dad: ..And the point is, that they are taking over! First they bought the Sweeney’s house, and they bought the Thomason’s house, and then they bought the Smith’s! Let’s face facts here, they’re taking over, I’m telling you!
[ phone rings ]
Daughter: I’ll get it! [ jumps out of chair ]
Mom: No phone conversatons during dinner, Polly, you know that.
Daughter: [ whining ] Oh, come on, Mom! I just know it’s Steven! I just know he’s gonna ask me to the Christmas dance! He’s the captain of the football team, and I just know he’ll ask Judy Irving if I don’t go, and it’ll just ruin my life!
Daughter: Oh, okay.. But make it fast before your fruited jellogets cold!
[ Daughter runs for the phone ]
Dad: [ still ranting ] They’re taking over! Like some kind of flu bug! First one guy at the office is up with the runs, and then it starts to spread!
Son: [ holding empty milk pitcher ] Mom? Dad? Would anybody else like some fresh, whole milk?
Mom: No thank you, Scotty.
Son: You mind if I be excused from the table?
Mom: Go right ahead.
Son: Thanks! [ exits dining room ]
Dad: That is what this black thing is like! It’s just like the runs! It’s like some kind of bug! It’s everywhere you look, and there’s nowhere you can go except for the solace of your own bathroom!
[ Daughter returns to the room, happy and black ]
Daughter: Oh, Mom! He asked me!
Mom: Do we interrupt when your father is talking, Polly?
Daughter: [ sullen ] I’m sorry.. [ sits down ]
Dad: [ not noticing his daughter ] It’s scary, that’s all, it just scares me! One day you’re living next door to one, and the next day you are working for one!
[ Son returns with empty milk pitcher, and black skin ]
Son: Sorry, Mom, but I just spilled some milk on your counter..
Mom: [ upset ] The counter that I just cleaned and shined in one motion?!
Son: Gee, Mom.. holy creepers! I’ll go clean it up..
Mom: No, Scotty, I’ll get it, it’s woman’s work.. [ retreats tokitchen ]
Son: Thanks, Mom. [ sits ]
Dad: One day one’s Governor, next day one’s President, next day one’s.. Barbra Streisand.. I don’t know..
[ Mom returns to the table, also black ]
Mom: Oh, thank goodness. the shine is still there. Now, what were you saying, dear?
Dad: I was saying that they are taking over! I can see it happeneing all around me! I know, I’ve got eyes, I can see! [ fails to notice his family has turned black ] Scotty, would you, uh.. pass the grits, please..?
[ zoom out to wide studio shot, with SUPER: “Coming up Next… Japanese Joke Jackets: Three Sleeves And None Of Them Work!” ]
[ fade ]