Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 1: Episode 8
Billy’s Call Home
Mom ….. Jane Curtin
Dad ….. Dan Aykroyd
Billy ….. Chevy Chase
Officer ….. Garrett Morris
[ FADE IN on a middle-aged Southern couple in their living room reading quietly. The mom checks her watch angrily ]
Mom: Where is Billy? It’s 10:30 and he’s got school tomorrow!
Dad: Oh, that’s okay. He told me he’s helping that nice Mr. Eli out with the candy sales. He’ll be home.
Mom: Yeah, and young Clyde Merribell’s been missing for three weeks! I want Billy home on time.
Billy’s voice on phone: Dad?
Dad: Billy? Are you all right, son?[ CUT to Billy on the telephone, seated in an office with a police officer staring pensively at him ]
Billy: Uh, I’m down at the police station, dad.
Dad’s voice on phone: Well son, you couldn’t have done anything too serious. You’d never believe some of the stuff I did when I was your age. What are you accused of now, Billy?
Mom: Is that Billy? Is he all right?
Dad: Billy’s in a little trouble now, mother. Now Billy, uh, uh, everything’s gonna be all right. Your mother and I’ll help you out. We’ll get a lawyer down there, spend any money in the world to get a lawyer to prove your innocence, Billy.
Billy’s voice on phone: Well, I’m guilty, dad.
Dad: (clears throat) Well…uh, uh…your mother and I love you very much, son, and we’ll do anything we can to help, and I’m sure that whatever you did there you did for a good reason. And, and you’re a good boy.[ CUT back to Billy ]
Billy: No, I’m not. See, I helped kill 26 boys.
Dad’s voice on phone: Uh, 26 boys?
Billy: Well, I picked up some hitch hikers and brought them over to a party at Mr Eli’s. And, well, they sniffed glue and, uh, we had this makeshift plywood stake…
Dad’s voice on phone: Whoa whoa whoa, hold on now. Now don’t you blurt anything out there till we get a lawyer down there.[ CUT back to the house ]
Mom: Is he hurt?
Dad: Wait, mama, wait. Billy’s in a little trouble now. I’ll tell you when I get off. Now, now, Billy, uh…we’re gonna come down there with a lawyer and your mother and I love you, and…be brave! Keep your chin up, all right son?[ CUT back to Billy ]
Billy: All right, dad.
Dad’s voice on phone: Okay, bye bye now, son.
Billy: Bye.[ CUT back to the house where Dad hangs up the phone ]
Mom: It isn’t mari-huana, is it?
Dad: No, it’s not marijuana, mom.
Mom: Oh, thank the Lord!
Submitted by: Dan Pascoe