SNL Transcripts: Candice Bergen: 12/20/75: Billy’s Call Home


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 8

75h: Candice Bergen / Martha Reeves, The Stylistics

Billy’s Call Home

Mom ….. Jane Curtin
Dad ….. Dan Aykroyd
Billy ….. Chevy Chase
Officer ….. Garrett Morris

[ FADE IN on a middle-aged Southern couple in their living room reading quietly. The mom checks her watch angrily ]

Mom: Where is Billy? It’s 10:30 and he’s got school tomorrow!

Dad: Oh, that’s okay. He told me he’s helping that nice Mr. Eli out with the candy sales. He’ll be home.

Mom: Yeah, and young Clyde Merribell’s been missing for three weeks! I want Billy home on time.

[ The phone rings and the father answers it ]

Dad: Hello?

Billy’s voice on phone: Dad?

Dad: Billy? Are you all right, son?

[ CUT to Billy on the telephone, seated in an office with a police officer staring pensively at him ]

Billy: Uh, I’m down at the police station, dad.

Dad’s voice on phone: Well son, you couldn’t have done anything too serious. You’d never believe some of the stuff I did when I was your age. What are you accused of now, Billy?

Billy: Murder.

[ CUT back to the house ]

Mom: Is that Billy? Is he all right?

Dad: Billy’s in a little trouble now, mother. Now Billy, uh, uh, everything’s gonna be all right. Your mother and I’ll help you out. We’ll get a lawyer down there, spend any money in the world to get a lawyer to prove your innocence, Billy.

Billy’s voice on phone: Well, I’m guilty, dad.

Dad: (clears throat) Well…uh, uh…your mother and I love you very much, son, and we’ll do anything we can to help, and I’m sure that whatever you did there you did for a good reason. And, and you’re a good boy.

[ CUT back to Billy ]

Billy: No, I’m not. See, I helped kill 26 boys.

Dad’s voice on phone: Uh, 26 boys?

Billy: Well, I picked up some hitch hikers and brought them over to a party at Mr Eli’s. And, well, they sniffed glue and, uh, we had this makeshift plywood stake…

Dad’s voice on phone: Whoa whoa whoa, hold on now. Now don’t you blurt anything out there till we get a lawyer down there.

[ CUT back to the house ]

Mom: Is he hurt?

Dad: Wait, mama, wait. Billy’s in a little trouble now. I’ll tell you when I get off. Now, now, Billy, uh…we’re gonna come down there with a lawyer and your mother and I love you, and…be brave! Keep your chin up, all right son?

[ CUT back to Billy ]

Billy: All right, dad.

Dad’s voice on phone: Okay, bye bye now, son.

Billy: Bye.

[ CUT back to the house where Dad hangs up the phone ]

Mom: It isn’t mari-huana, is it?

Dad: No, it’s not marijuana, mom.

Mom: Oh, thank the Lord!

[ They resume reading as the camera pulls back ] [ Applause. Fade ]

Submitted by: Dan Pascoe

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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