SNL Transcripts: Candice Bergen: 12/20/75: Billy’s Call Home

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 8

75h: Candice Bergen / Martha Reeves, The Stylistics

Billy’s Call Home

Mom ….. Jane Curtin
Dad ….. Dan Aykroyd
Billy ….. Chevy Chase
Officer ….. Garrett Morris

[ FADE IN on a middle-aged Southern couple in their living room reading quietly. The mom checks her watch angrily ]

Mom: Where is Billy? It’s 10:30 and he’s got school tomorrow!

Dad: Oh, that’s okay. He told me he’s helping that nice Mr. Eli out with the candy sales. He’ll be home.

Mom: Yeah, and young Clyde Merribell’s been missing for three weeks! I want Billy home on time.

[ The phone rings and the father answers it ]

Dad: Hello?

Billy’s voice on phone: Dad?

Dad: Billy? Are you all right, son?

[ CUT to Billy on the telephone, seated in an office with a police officer staring pensively at him ]

Billy: Uh, I’m down at the police station, dad.

Dad’s voice on phone: Well son, you couldn’t have done anything too serious. You’d never believe some of the stuff I did when I was your age. What are you accused of now, Billy?

Billy: Murder.

[ CUT back to the house ]

Mom: Is that Billy? Is he all right?

Dad: Billy’s in a little trouble now, mother. Now Billy, uh, uh, everything’s gonna be all right. Your mother and I’ll help you out. We’ll get a lawyer down there, spend any money in the world to get a lawyer to prove your innocence, Billy.

Billy’s voice on phone: Well, I’m guilty, dad.

Dad: (clears throat) Well…uh, uh…your mother and I love you very much, son, and we’ll do anything we can to help, and I’m sure that whatever you did there you did for a good reason. And, and you’re a good boy.

[ CUT back to Billy ]

Billy: No, I’m not. See, I helped kill 26 boys.

Dad’s voice on phone: Uh, 26 boys?

Billy: Well, I picked up some hitch hikers and brought them over to a party at Mr Eli’s. And, well, they sniffed glue and, uh, we had this makeshift plywood stake…

Dad’s voice on phone: Whoa whoa whoa, hold on now. Now don’t you blurt anything out there till we get a lawyer down there.

[ CUT back to the house ]

Mom: Is he hurt?

Dad: Wait, mama, wait. Billy’s in a little trouble now. I’ll tell you when I get off. Now, now, Billy, uh…we’re gonna come down there with a lawyer and your mother and I love you, and…be brave! Keep your chin up, all right son?

[ CUT back to Billy ]

Billy: All right, dad.

Dad’s voice on phone: Okay, bye bye now, son.

Billy: Bye.

[ CUT back to the house where Dad hangs up the phone ]

Mom: It isn’t mari-huana, is it?

Dad: No, it’s not marijuana, mom.

Mom: Oh, thank the Lord!

[ They resume reading as the camera pulls back ] [ Applause. Fade ]

Submitted by: Dan Pascoe

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