SNL Transcripts: Candice Bergen: 12/20/75: The Elf



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 8







75h: Candice Bergen / Martha Reeves, The Stylistics

The Elf

Teddy … Chevy Chase
Linda … Candice Bergen
Mom … Jane Curtin
Dad … Dan Aykroyd

[In a modest living room, Teddy, a grown man in agreen elf costume, crouches atop a coffee table,playing with his brown, peaked elf cap.]

Teddy: [sings]Up on the housetop, click, click, click
Down through the chimney with good Saint Nick
Ho, ho, ho – who wouldn’t go?
Ho, ho, ho – who wouldn’t know?
Oh …

[puts his hat on, speaks]

To the top of the porch, to the top of the wall,
Now, dance away, dance away, dance away all!

[Teddy jumps from table to sofa to a curtained windowthrough which he peers while singing.]

Teddy: [sings]Up on the housetop, click, click, click
Down through the chimney with good Saint Nick

[Teddy’s sister, Linda, bursts in carryinggift-wrapped boxes.]

Linda: Merry Christmas!

Teddy: Ho, ho, ho – who wouldn’t–! Sis? [surprised,he shields himself partially with a window curtain]

Linda: [shocked] Oh, my God!

Teddy: Don’t – don’t – don’t look, Sis. Be a lot lesspainful for ya if you just, uh, try not to look.

Linda: [refusing to look at him] My own brother. Amight have expected this of anyone but my own brother![drops gifts on a chair]

Teddy: [crosses to her] It’s been my secret so long,Linda. Guess I’m almost glad you found out. [puts ahand on her shoulder – she shrugs it off – he moves tothe sofa and crouches upon it] It’s like some reliefafter all these years … for somebody to finallyrealize and know that I’m – I’m a …

Linda: [upset] Latent elf?! Is that what you’re trying to say?!

Teddy: Yes, I’m an elf! I’m an elf and I’m proud of it! Now, maybe you’ll understand what I was doing with all those eight by tens of Santa’s helpers over my bed.

Linda: [despairingly] How did it start, Teddy? How didit happen? You were always a red-blooded American boygoing off to football practice!

Teddy: Only I wouldn’t go off to football practice![quietly] I’d go off to some leafy glade and makemerry. … I don’t want to talk about it.

Linda: All right. [joins him on sofa] So this is whyyou never got married.

Teddy: Oh, I could have gotten married. Lots of us getmarried, lead perfectly normal lives, have children.[sits on the back of the sofa, puts a leg up on thesofa’s arm, exposing his leotard-clad crotch]

Linda: Would you mind being a little more discreet? Ican see your bells.

Teddy: [puts his leg down] You think I’m disgusting, don’t you?

Linda: No, not disgusting. Just sort of … impish and … spry.

Teddy: [amused, grows thoughtful] Spry. Seen that word so many times in dictionaries, I’ve heard it over the years. I’ve– Somehow never dreamed it would apply to me.

Linda: I never did either, Teddy. I mean, we grew up together, both of us, referring to the Seven Dwarfs as “they” — and now this!

Teddy: You know, I guess, in a way, I’m – I’m surprised you didn’t guess earlier. Many’s the time I could have sworn you might have caught the twinkle in my eye, I–

Linda: Well, even if I did, lots of people have twinkles in their eye. Dick Cavett, I don’t know. [sees Teddy nod with amusement – sudden realization] You don’t mean–?

Teddy: Most talk show hosts are. You know, [hops up – walks around to the rear of the sofa] you’ll probably handle this a lot better once you realize that frolicking is, uh, perfectly normal.

Linda: [unconvinced] Sure.

Teddy: I mean, you like to dance. [hops up on back of sofa] I like to prance. [nearly loses his balance and his peaked cap] I like to lose my hat. [puts cap back on, with a grin] I like to put it back on my head.Does that make me any different than you?

Linda: I suppose not.

Teddy: There you are. You think of the Elves and the Shoemaker as some kind of a cute story. I think of it as … a grand design for life. [crouches next to Linda on sofa] So?

Linda: So what? [genuinely] I’m sorry, Teddy. It’s just taking me a while to get used to it, that’s all, but I’ll – I’ll learn to accept it.

Teddy: Aw, Sis.

Linda: Teddy.

Teddy: You’re the greatest.

[Teddy gives Linda a kiss. A knock at the door.]

Linda: Oh, my God! It’s Mom and Dad! I told them tomeet me here for the club Christmas party and now–!

Teddy: Hey, if they have to handle it, they’ll handle it.

Linda: Boy, I hope so.

[Linda rises and goes to open the door. Teddy crouches on an end table next to the sofa. The parents, conservatively-dressed, enter. Mom wears a stylish print dress and Dad, carrying Christmas gifts, wearsdark suit, tie and hat.]

Linda: Mom, Dad, uh, before you come in, I think there’s one thing you should know.

[Mom and Dad see Teddy crouched on the end table. Mom glares icily as Dad sets his gifts on top of Linda’s on a nearby chair. Teddy looks at Mom expectantly.]

Mom: [coldly] So you’re one of them.

[Teddy lowers his head.]

Linda: [puts her hands on Mom’s shoulders] Mom, listen–

Mom: It’s all right, Linda. Your father’s been one for years.

Linda: Dad?!

[Mom abruptly breaks away from Linda and pulls off Dad’s hat, revealing a green peaked elf cap.]

Mom: It’s something I’ve learned to live with. All those lonely Christmas Eves after you kids went to bed, wondering whose tree he was trimming, whose stocking he was sticking a lump of coal into.

Linda: [puts her hands on Mom’s shoulders again] Come on, Mom. I think we’d better talk.

[Mom nods and the two women exit, leaving the men to confront one another. Dad stares at Teddy for a long moment, exhales, and finally speaks:]

Dad: Son, I – I don’t know what to say.

Teddy: [arms spread wide] Dad! It’s all right!

[Relieved, Dad frolics forward and hops up onto the sofa in an elfin crouch. Teddy hops off the end table and joins him. They are nose-to-nose, grinning like … elves.]

Dad: [points a thumb upwards and sings] Up on the rooftop, quick, quick, quick!

Teddy: [grinning, quietly] Down through the chimney with good Saint Nick!

[Dad hops off the sofa and does a goofy elfin frolic. Teddy joins him a moment later and arm-in-arm, they dance and sing.]

Both: [singing and prancing in a circle]Ho, ho, ho – who wouldn’t go?
Ho, ho, ho – who wouldn’t know?

[Dissolve to a wide view of the set, including cameras, microphones, monitors and the applauding audience. A superimposed text reads: SOMEWHERE IN THE WORLD, THIS IS THE FAMILY HOUR. The two elves finishtheir dance and scamper in opposite directions off the set.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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