Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 1: Episode 8
75h: Candice Bergen / Martha Reeves, The Stylistics
The Elf
Teddy … Chevy Chase
Linda … Candice Bergen
Mom … Jane Curtin
Dad … Dan Aykroyd
Teddy: [sings]Up on the housetop, click, click, click
Down through the chimney with good Saint Nick
Ho, ho, ho – who wouldn’t go?
Ho, ho, ho – who wouldn’t know?
Oh …
To the top of the porch, to the top of the wall,
Now, dance away, dance away, dance away all!
Teddy: [sings]Up on the housetop, click, click, click
Down through the chimney with good Saint Nick
Linda: Merry Christmas!
Teddy: Ho, ho, ho – who wouldn’t–! Sis? [surprised,he shields himself partially with a window curtain]
Linda: [shocked] Oh, my God!
Teddy: Don’t – don’t – don’t look, Sis. Be a lot lesspainful for ya if you just, uh, try not to look.
Linda: [refusing to look at him] My own brother. Amight have expected this of anyone but my own brother![drops gifts on a chair]
Teddy: [crosses to her] It’s been my secret so long,Linda. Guess I’m almost glad you found out. [puts ahand on her shoulder – she shrugs it off – he moves tothe sofa and crouches upon it] It’s like some reliefafter all these years … for somebody to finallyrealize and know that I’m – I’m a …
Linda: [upset] Latent elf?! Is that what you’re trying to say?!
Teddy: Yes, I’m an elf! I’m an elf and I’m proud of it! Now, maybe you’ll understand what I was doing with all those eight by tens of Santa’s helpers over my bed.
Linda: [despairingly] How did it start, Teddy? How didit happen? You were always a red-blooded American boygoing off to football practice!
Teddy: Only I wouldn’t go off to football practice![quietly] I’d go off to some leafy glade and makemerry. … I don’t want to talk about it.
Linda: All right. [joins him on sofa] So this is whyyou never got married.
Teddy: Oh, I could have gotten married. Lots of us getmarried, lead perfectly normal lives, have children.[sits on the back of the sofa, puts a leg up on thesofa’s arm, exposing his leotard-clad crotch]
Linda: Would you mind being a little more discreet? Ican see your bells.
Teddy: [puts his leg down] You think I’m disgusting, don’t you?
Linda: No, not disgusting. Just sort of … impish and … spry.
Teddy: [amused, grows thoughtful] Spry. Seen that word so many times in dictionaries, I’ve heard it over the years. I’ve– Somehow never dreamed it would apply to me.
Linda: I never did either, Teddy. I mean, we grew up together, both of us, referring to the Seven Dwarfs as “they” — and now this!
Teddy: You know, I guess, in a way, I’m – I’m surprised you didn’t guess earlier. Many’s the time I could have sworn you might have caught the twinkle in my eye, I–
Linda: Well, even if I did, lots of people have twinkles in their eye. Dick Cavett, I don’t know. [sees Teddy nod with amusement – sudden realization] You don’t mean–?
Teddy: Most talk show hosts are. You know, [hops up – walks around to the rear of the sofa] you’ll probably handle this a lot better once you realize that frolicking is, uh, perfectly normal.
Linda: [unconvinced] Sure.
Teddy: I mean, you like to dance. [hops up on back of sofa] I like to prance. [nearly loses his balance and his peaked cap] I like to lose my hat. [puts cap back on, with a grin] I like to put it back on my head.Does that make me any different than you?
Linda: I suppose not.
Teddy: There you are. You think of the Elves and the Shoemaker as some kind of a cute story. I think of it as … a grand design for life. [crouches next to Linda on sofa] So?
Linda: So what? [genuinely] I’m sorry, Teddy. It’s just taking me a while to get used to it, that’s all, but I’ll – I’ll learn to accept it.
Teddy: Aw, Sis.
Linda: Teddy.
Teddy: You’re the greatest.
[Teddy gives Linda a kiss. A knock at the door.]Linda: Oh, my God! It’s Mom and Dad! I told them tomeet me here for the club Christmas party and now–!
Teddy: Hey, if they have to handle it, they’ll handle it.
Linda: Boy, I hope so.
[Linda rises and goes to open the door. Teddy crouches on an end table next to the sofa. The parents, conservatively-dressed, enter. Mom wears a stylish print dress and Dad, carrying Christmas gifts, wearsdark suit, tie and hat.]Linda: Mom, Dad, uh, before you come in, I think there’s one thing you should know.
[Mom and Dad see Teddy crouched on the end table. Mom glares icily as Dad sets his gifts on top of Linda’s on a nearby chair. Teddy looks at Mom expectantly.]Mom: [coldly] So you’re one of them.
[Teddy lowers his head.]Linda: [puts her hands on Mom’s shoulders] Mom, listen–
Mom: It’s all right, Linda. Your father’s been one for years.
Linda: Dad?!
[Mom abruptly breaks away from Linda and pulls off Dad’s hat, revealing a green peaked elf cap.]Mom: It’s something I’ve learned to live with. All those lonely Christmas Eves after you kids went to bed, wondering whose tree he was trimming, whose stocking he was sticking a lump of coal into.
Linda: [puts her hands on Mom’s shoulders again] Come on, Mom. I think we’d better talk.
[Mom nods and the two women exit, leaving the men to confront one another. Dad stares at Teddy for a long moment, exhales, and finally speaks:]Dad: Son, I – I don’t know what to say.
Teddy: [arms spread wide] Dad! It’s all right!
[Relieved, Dad frolics forward and hops up onto the sofa in an elfin crouch. Teddy hops off the end table and joins him. They are nose-to-nose, grinning like … elves.]Dad: [points a thumb upwards and sings] Up on the rooftop, quick, quick, quick!
Teddy: [grinning, quietly] Down through the chimney with good Saint Nick!
[Dad hops off the sofa and does a goofy elfin frolic. Teddy joins him a moment later and arm-in-arm, they dance and sing.]Both: [singing and prancing in a circle]Ho, ho, ho – who wouldn’t go?
Ho, ho, ho – who wouldn’t know?
Submitted Anonymously
