SNL Transcripts: Candice Bergen: 12/20/75: What Gilda Ate

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 8



75h: Candice Bergen / Martha Reeves, The Stylistics

What Gilda Ate

…..Candice Bergen
…..Gilda Radner

[ open on Candice Bergen flanking Gilda Radner near a Christmas tree ]

Candice Bergen: Since Christmas is a traditional time for overeating, we have none other than the Great Gilda here to tell you how not to do it.

[ Candice steps aside ]

Gilda Radner: Uh — last Christmas, I went to my cousin Lenora’s house for dinner, and I was real good: I just had a salad with no dressing, and I had three pieces of the white meat of turkey and I didn’t have any stuffing, except for this ltitle piece that got stuck on the meat and it wasn’t my fault.

And, uh, then I had one candied yam, but I scraped all the candy part off and I dipped it in a glass of water before I ate it.

And, uh, on the table there was this bowl of, uh, mixed nuts — the kind that you crack yourself. So I had one pecan, but by accident my tongue touched the part that wasn’t the nut part, and my muoth got real dry and I had to wash it down with some pumpkin pie. And then I had just a black cup of coffee, with, uh, two Sweet ‘N Lows in it.

And then, uh, on my way home, I had to go to the bathroom, so I stopped off at this lady’s room that just happened to be attached to a howard Johnson’s. And I went in and I order a Fishwich, but I took off the roll and I picked all the breading off the fish, and I just had the fish, and then I ate the breading, and then I picked off the sesame seeds off the roll, and then I ate the roll.

And when I got home, I couldn’t sleep, so, uh, I made myself a glass of warm milk, but I was still hungry so I poured some cereal in it —

Candice Bergen: [ interrupting ] Uh, Gilda? I think we have to get on with the rest of the show now.

Gilda Radner: Oh. I — I was making myself sick, actually. [ she laughs ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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