Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 1: Episode 8
What Gilda Ate
[ open on Candice Bergen flanking Gilda Radner near a Christmas tree ]
Candice Bergen: Since Christmas is a traditional time for overeating, we have none other than the Great Gilda here to tell you how not to do it.[ Candice steps aside ]
Gilda Radner: Uh — last Christmas, I went to my cousin Lenora’s house for dinner, and I was real good: I just had a salad with no dressing, and I had three pieces of the white meat of turkey and I didn’t have any stuffing, except for this ltitle piece that got stuck on the meat and it wasn’t my fault.
And, uh, then I had one candied yam, but I scraped all the candy part off and I dipped it in a glass of water before I ate it.
And, uh, on the table there was this bowl of, uh, mixed nuts — the kind that you crack yourself. So I had one pecan, but by accident my tongue touched the part that wasn’t the nut part, and my muoth got real dry and I had to wash it down with some pumpkin pie. And then I had just a black cup of coffee, with, uh, two Sweet ‘N Lows in it.
And then, uh, on my way home, I had to go to the bathroom, so I stopped off at this lady’s room that just happened to be attached to a howard Johnson’s. And I went in and I order a Fishwich, but I took off the roll and I picked all the breading off the fish, and I just had the fish, and then I ate the breading, and then I picked off the sesame seeds off the roll, and then I ate the roll.
And when I got home, I couldn’t sleep, so, uh, I made myself a glass of warm milk, but I was still hungry so I poured some cereal in it —
Candice Bergen: [ interrupting ] Uh, Gilda? I think we have to get on with the rest of the show now.
Gilda Radner: Oh. I — I was making myself sick, actually. [ she laughs ] [ fade ]