SNL Transcripts: Candice Bergen: 12/20/75: The Muppets

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 8

75h: Candice Bergen / Martha Reeves, The Stylistics

The Muppets

…..Candice Bergen

[ The Gorch castle set is decorated with moldy old Christmas decorations. King Ploobis is wearing a white collar and black bowtie — and no other clothes — and he’s holding a full wineglass. ]

Ploobis: Good King Ploobis thus looked out… and all he saw was… Peuta. Ahhhh, is that a mirage of beauty before me, or is it Sophia Loren? No, it’s Peuta.

[ Queen Peuta enters, also dressed in her shabby finery. ]

Peuta: Oh, thank you, darling, but isn’t everything beautiful!

Ploobis: Mmmm.

Peuta: Oh, this party will be written up in People Magazine!

Ploobis: Well, it should be. We invited the whole show.

Peuta: Yes, that’s true. Do you think we’ll have enough food?

Ploobis: Well, let’s see.

[ Ploobis takes a silver cover off a tray, to reveal a brown furry piece of food with eyes and a mouth. ]

Food: Hi, hi… Oh, sure, there’s lots of me. I’m food! Eat me, taste me, bite me, I love it!

Ploobis: Well, since the dinner has been unfortuitously delayed, I might as well here.

[ Ploobis tears off a bit of the food with his mouth. ]

Food: Good, eat me, eat me! I am what you eat! Juicy back here, spicy down here! I am a banquet!

Ploobis: Delicious, delicious!

Food: Yes, I hope the guests hurry. If I’m not fresh, I’m out of business!

[ The doorbell rings. ]

Ploobis: Mmm, I do believe I hear the first guests arriving.

Peuta: Oh!

Ploobis: And whoever it is, I can’t wait to get ’em under the mistletoe… Oh. Uhhg.

[ It’s Scred, also in collar and bowtie, waiting under the mistletoe. ]

Ploobis: Evening, Scred.

Scred: Uh, yeah. Nice to see you, Ploobis.

Ploobis: Yes, you’re looking wonderful tonight.

Scred: And I’m under the mistletoe…

Ploobis: Uhhh. You’re not looking that wonderful, Scred. Tell me, Scred — where is everybody tonight?

Scred: Oh, they’re all over at the Bees’ Christmas party!

Ploobis: The Bees’ Christmas party! They’re having a big Bee bash?

Scred: Yeah.

Ploobis: Oh. I wonder why they didn’t invite us.

Scred: Well, that might be my fault. You see, last week I overheard one of the Bees comment that you look like a factory outlet for green washcloths.

Ploobis: The nerve!

Scred: Yeah. So I told ’em, I said, “Aaah, you eat your young!” Heh heh heh.

Ploobis: You’ve got a nimble tongue, Scred.

Scred: Yeah. But then he said, “Well, I’d rather shave my legs than go to your party!” So I guess that’s when he made up his mind to have his own party.

Ploobis: Well, it won’t be nearly as much fun as ours.

Scred: Yeah. And it’ll sure teach him to mind his own beeswax, anyway.

[ The doorbell rings. ]

Ploobis: Oh! Who’s this…

[ Vazh and Wisss enter, chuckling. ]

Wisss: Good party, wasn’t it?

Vazh: Hello, hello. The funniest thing just happened over at the Bees’… Somebody started playing Flight of the Bumblebee, and they all started flying around the room, with lampshades on their heads! Ha ha! Wasn’t that a riot.

Wisss: Oh, wow. It was too much.

Ploobis: Hmmm.

Wisss: Well, uh… this party certainly is the pits…

Vazh: Hmmm.

Wisss: Hey, let’s get back to the Bees’!

Vazh: Yeah, anyway, they’re about to show “The Sting”.

Wisss: Right. Um, catch ya later… c’mon, honey!

Vazh: See ya! Bye.

[ Vazh and Wisss exit. ]

Ploobis: Yeah.

[ Scred sighs. ]

Ploobis: Well.

Peuta: Well. I just remembered a great party I could probably get into if I go stag… Besides, I’ve never seen “The Sting”.

[ Peuta exits. ]

Scred: Have fun.

Ploobis: Well, Scred, it looks like it’s just you and me.

Scred: Well… Merry Christmas, boss.

[ Then Candice Bergen arrives, wearing a Merry Christmas T-shirt. ]

Candice: Hi, everybody!

Ploobis: Oh, Candy!

Candice: How are you? Am I too late for the party?

Scred: Oh, not at all! Why, since you got here, the fun’s just begun!

Candice: Oh. Well, where is everybody?

Ploobis: Oh, well, uh, they, uh…

Scred: Yeah, well, they’re socializing with insects.

Candice: Oh, at the Bees’. Well, I was just there, it’s a terrific party.

Scred: Hmmm.

Ploobis: Great.

Candice: Oh, well, I think this is wonderful. I mean, I love intimate parties… of three.

Scred: Awww…

Candice: C’mon, guys!

[ sings: ]

“Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Let your heart be light.”

“Next year all your troubles
Will be out of sight…
Have yourself a merry little Christmas
If the fates allow
Hang a shining star
Upon the highest bough.”

Scred & Candice:
“And have yourself…
A merry little Christmas… now…”

[ Candice and Scred finish the song, looking deep into each other’s eyes. Scred snuggles up to Candice. ]

Scred: Ohhh, Candice… What are you doing later?

Candice: Why?

Scred: Let’s ditch this guy and go to the Bees’ party.

[ Scred nuzzles Candice. Ploobis looks put out. ]

Courtesy of: Tough Pigs Anthology

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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