Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 1: Episode 8
Written by: Michael O’Donoghue
Mike Mendoza…..Dan Aykroyd
[ open on interior, parlor, close-up of bloodied corpse resting on a settee ]
Announcer: Mike Mendoza, Crime Photographer, challenges you to solve another actual case history from the files of the Mexico City Police, on tonight’s episode of: “Minute Mystery”.[ music sting, as title appears and Mike Mendoza snaps pictures of the corpse ]
Mike Mendoza: Good! got him! See you tomorrow on the front page of the Mexico City Globe Dispatch. [ he walks past gun-toting Winona on his way out ] Hey! Wait a minute. [ turns to Winona ] Who are you? Want to play Trap the Clam?
Lopez: I’ll ask the questions around here, Mike! [ to Winona ] Who are you?!
Winona: [ coolly ] Winona Foxfire, the victim’s confidential secretary.
Lopez: [ sudden ] Do you want to play Trap the Clam?
Lopez: Where were you five minutes ago?
Winona: Attending a lecture on chlorine.
Lopez: What’s your favorite color?
Lopez: What’s your second favorite color?
Winona: Robin’s egg-blue.
Lopez: What’s your pet peeve?
Winona: [ thinking ] I can’t stand a man who doesn’t have a scar.[ music sting, as Lopez and Mike Mendoza consider this response ]
Mike Mendoza: Say, listen — I got a scar right here, where I fell off a scooter once. [ he reaches for his ankle ]
Winona: You look like you comb your hair with buttered toast!
Lopez: Heey, you want to see scars, baby? I’ve got scars all over — [ he pulls open his shirt ]
Winona: Eat my hair net, jocko!
Mike Mendoza: [ stepping away ] Minx!
Lopez: [ joins Mike ] Vixen!
Mike Mendoza: A bit sleek for my tastes.
Winona: Hey, fellas — you know what realy gets me HOT? Guys who can’t solve crimes. There’s something about bumbling, dimwitted detectives that really guns my motor.
Mike Mendoza: Well, Lopez — who do you think snuffed the Professor?
Lopez: Beats me! I haven’t the vaguest idea! What about yourself?
Mike Mendoza: Ooh, you got me, pal! [ he smacks himself across the forehead ] I don’t know. Maybe our viewing and studio audience knows. I’m going to give them just 20 seconds to come up with the right answer, starting NOW![ Lopez fires his gun, as Mike Mendoza fixes his gaze on his watch ] [ pan along the room to reveal clues: a desk portrait, a pair of shoes on a platter, a push mower, a seashell on a stack of books, a doll seated on a chair, “Winona did It” written in blood on the wall ] [ a buzzer sounds ]
Mike Mendoza: Time’s up! Don Pardo, why don’t you tell folks who the murderer is?
Don Pardo V/O: I have no idea, I’m stumped!
Mike Mendoza: Me, too. I’m completely baffled.
Lopez: Totally nonplussed!
Don Pardo V/O: I do have a scar, however!
Winona: Come on, let’s get out of this dump. You can teach me how to play Stuff the Bunny.
Mike Mendoza: It’s… Trap the Clam.
Lopez: Listen, we can play them all! Stuff the Bunny, Trap the Clam…
Winona: Swallow the Swan?
Lopez: Sure! Swallow the Swan!
Mike Mendoza: I don’t think I know Swallow the Swan…[ the three of them exit the parlor, leaving the corpse alone ]
Don Pardo V/O: Next week, see Mike tackle the mystery of the one-armed Japanese aquamaid, on… “Minute Mystery”.[ fade ]