SNL Transcripts: Candice Bergen: 12/20/75: Minute Mystery

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 8

75h: Candice Bergen / Martha Reeves, The Stylistics

Minute Mystery

Written by: Michael O’Donoghue

Mike Mendoza…..Dan Aykroyd
Lopez…..John Belushi
Winona…..Candice Bergen
Corpse…..Michael O’Donoghue

[ open on interior, parlor, close-up of bloodied corpse resting on a settee ]

Announcer: Mike Mendoza, Crime Photographer, challenges you to solve another actual case history from the files of the Mexico City Police, on tonight’s episode of: “Minute Mystery”.

[ music sting, as title appears and Mike Mendoza snaps pictures of the corpse ]

Mike Mendoza: Good! got him! See you tomorrow on the front page of the Mexico City Globe Dispatch. [ he walks past gun-toting Winona on his way out ] Hey! Wait a minute. [ turns to Winona ] Who are you? Want to play Trap the Clam?

Lopez: I’ll ask the questions around here, Mike! [ to Winona ] Who are you?!

Winona: [ coolly ] Winona Foxfire, the victim’s confidential secretary.

Lopez: [ sudden ] Do you want to play Trap the Clam?

Winona: No.

Lopez: Where were you five minutes ago?

Winona: Attending a lecture on chlorine.

Lopez: What’s your favorite color?

Winona: Shell-pink.

Lopez: What’s your second favorite color?

Winona: Robin’s egg-blue.

Lopez: What’s your pet peeve?

Winona: [ thinking ] I can’t stand a man who doesn’t have a scar.

[ music sting, as Lopez and Mike Mendoza consider this response ]

Mike Mendoza: Say, listen — I got a scar right here, where I fell off a scooter once. [ he reaches for his ankle ]

Winona: You look like you comb your hair with buttered toast!

Lopez: Heey, you want to see scars, baby? I’ve got scars all over — [ he pulls open his shirt ]

Winona: Eat my hair net, jocko!

Mike Mendoza: [ stepping away ] Minx!

Lopez: [ joins Mike ] Vixen!

Mike Mendoza: A bit sleek for my tastes.

Lopez: Yeah.

Winona: Hey, fellas — you know what realy gets me HOT? Guys who can’t solve crimes. There’s something about bumbling, dimwitted detectives that really guns my motor.

Mike Mendoza: Well, Lopez — who do you think snuffed the Professor?

Lopez: Beats me! I haven’t the vaguest idea! What about yourself?

Mike Mendoza: Ooh, you got me, pal! [ he smacks himself across the forehead ] I don’t know. Maybe our viewing and studio audience knows. I’m going to give them just 20 seconds to come up with the right answer, starting NOW!

[ Lopez fires his gun, as Mike Mendoza fixes his gaze on his watch ] [ pan along the room to reveal clues: a desk portrait, a pair of shoes on a platter, a push mower, a seashell on a stack of books, a doll seated on a chair, “Winona did It” written in blood on the wall ] [ a buzzer sounds ]

Mike Mendoza: Time’s up! Don Pardo, why don’t you tell folks who the murderer is?

Don Pardo V/O: I have no idea, I’m stumped!

Mike Mendoza: Me, too. I’m completely baffled.

Lopez: Totally nonplussed!

Don Pardo V/O: I do have a scar, however!

Winona: Come on, let’s get out of this dump. You can teach me how to play Stuff the Bunny.

Mike Mendoza: It’s… Trap the Clam.

Lopez: Listen, we can play them all! Stuff the Bunny, Trap the Clam…

Winona: Swallow the Swan?

Lopez: Sure! Swallow the Swan!

Mike Mendoza: I don’t think I know Swallow the Swan…

[ the three of them exit the parlor, leaving the corpse alone ]

Don Pardo V/O: Next week, see Mike tackle the mystery of the one-armed Japanese aquamaid, on… “Minute Mystery”.

[ fade ]

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