SNL Transcripts: Candice Bergen: 12/20/75: Minute Mystery


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 8

75h: Candice Bergen / Martha Reeves, The Stylistics

Minute Mystery

Written by: Michael O’Donoghue

Mike Mendoza…..Dan Aykroyd
Lopez…..John Belushi
Winona…..Candice Bergen
Corpse…..Michael O’Donoghue

[ open on interior, parlor, close-up of bloodied corpse resting on a settee ]

Announcer: Mike Mendoza, Crime Photographer, challenges you to solve another actual case history from the files of the Mexico City Police, on tonight’s episode of: “Minute Mystery”.

[ music sting, as title appears and Mike Mendoza snaps pictures of the corpse ]

Mike Mendoza: Good! got him! See you tomorrow on the front page of the Mexico City Globe Dispatch. [ he walks past gun-toting Winona on his way out ] Hey! Wait a minute. [ turns to Winona ] Who are you? Want to play Trap the Clam?

Lopez: I’ll ask the questions around here, Mike! [ to Winona ] Who are you?!

Winona: [ coolly ] Winona Foxfire, the victim’s confidential secretary.

Lopez: [ sudden ] Do you want to play Trap the Clam?

Winona: No.

Lopez: Where were you five minutes ago?

Winona: Attending a lecture on chlorine.

Lopez: What’s your favorite color?

Winona: Shell-pink.

Lopez: What’s your second favorite color?

Winona: Robin’s egg-blue.

Lopez: What’s your pet peeve?

Winona: [ thinking ] I can’t stand a man who doesn’t have a scar.

[ music sting, as Lopez and Mike Mendoza consider this response ]

Mike Mendoza: Say, listen — I got a scar right here, where I fell off a scooter once. [ he reaches for his ankle ]

Winona: You look like you comb your hair with buttered toast!

Lopez: Heey, you want to see scars, baby? I’ve got scars all over — [ he pulls open his shirt ]

Winona: Eat my hair net, jocko!

Mike Mendoza: [ stepping away ] Minx!

Lopez: [ joins Mike ] Vixen!

Mike Mendoza: A bit sleek for my tastes.

Lopez: Yeah.

Winona: Hey, fellas — you know what realy gets me HOT? Guys who can’t solve crimes. There’s something about bumbling, dimwitted detectives that really guns my motor.

Mike Mendoza: Well, Lopez — who do you think snuffed the Professor?

Lopez: Beats me! I haven’t the vaguest idea! What about yourself?

Mike Mendoza: Ooh, you got me, pal! [ he smacks himself across the forehead ] I don’t know. Maybe our viewing and studio audience knows. I’m going to give them just 20 seconds to come up with the right answer, starting NOW!

[ Lopez fires his gun, as Mike Mendoza fixes his gaze on his watch ] [ pan along the room to reveal clues: a desk portrait, a pair of shoes on a platter, a push mower, a seashell on a stack of books, a doll seated on a chair, “Winona did It” written in blood on the wall ] [ a buzzer sounds ]

Mike Mendoza: Time’s up! Don Pardo, why don’t you tell folks who the murderer is?

Don Pardo V/O: I have no idea, I’m stumped!

Mike Mendoza: Me, too. I’m completely baffled.

Lopez: Totally nonplussed!

Don Pardo V/O: I do have a scar, however!

Winona: Come on, let’s get out of this dump. You can teach me how to play Stuff the Bunny.

Mike Mendoza: It’s… Trap the Clam.

Lopez: Listen, we can play them all! Stuff the Bunny, Trap the Clam…

Winona: Swallow the Swan?

Lopez: Sure! Swallow the Swan!

Mike Mendoza: I don’t think I know Swallow the Swan…

[ the three of them exit the parlor, leaving the corpse alone ]

Don Pardo V/O: Next week, see Mike tackle the mystery of the one-armed Japanese aquamaid, on… “Minute Mystery”.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

How useful was this post?

Click on a star to rate it!

Average rating 0 / 5. Vote count: 0

No votes so far! Be the first to rate this post.

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

Notify of
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x