SNL Transcripts: Elliot Gould: 01/10/76: Interior Demolitionists

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 9

75i: Elliot Gould / Anne Murray

Interior Demolitionists

Mrs. Henderson…..Jane Curtin
Interior Demolitionist #1…..Elliot Gould
Interior Demolitionist #2…..Chevy Chase
Willie…..Garrett Morris
Mr. Henderson…..Dan Aykroyd

[ open on Mrs. Henderson reading the newspaper and drinking a cup of coffee in her living, as the doorbell rings ]

Mrs. Henderson: Coming!

[ she straightens the newspaper and dashes across the room as the doorbell rings again ]

Mrs. Henderson: Just a minute!

Mr. Henderson: [ from upstairs ] Who is it, honey?

Mrs. Henderson: [ calling up ] I have no idea!

[ suddenly, an axe is chopped through the front door, and two unknwon men enter the living room ]

Interior Demolitionist #2: Morning, ma’am.

Mrs. Henderson: Come in…

Interior Demolitionist #1: Morning, ma’am. Interior demolitionists. Are you Mrs. Henderson?

Mrs. Henderson: Yeah. Interior demolitionists?

Interior Demolitionist #1: Yeah. Where do you want us to begin?

Mrs. Henderson: Uh — [ calling upstairs ] Honey?! Did you send for interior demolitionists?!

[ Interior Demolitionist #1 picks up a vase and smacks it to pieces with a hammer ]

Mr. Henderson: [ from upstairs ] I can’t hear what you’re saying, honey — I’m in the shower!

Mrs. Henderson: [ calling upstairs ] Did you send for interior demolitionists?!!

Mr. Henderson: [ from upstairs ] Whaaat?

Mrs. Henderson: [ to Interior Demolitionist #1 ] Do you want — you want some coffee?

Interior Demolitionist #1: Oh, yeah! Great!

Interior Demolitionist #2: No coffee for me, thank you.

[ Mrs. Henderson pours another cup of coffee ]

Interior Demolitionist #1: Well, you just leave this to us, Mrs. Henderson. We’ve got a lot of experience. [ he takes a cup of coffee ]

Interior Demolitionist #2: [ holding clock ] Beautiful clock, ma’am.

Mrs. Henderson: Oh… yeah. It’s Austrian. It’s been in our family for —

Interior Demolitionist #2: Well, it’s just beautiful. [ he drops it to the floor, then stomps on it ] [ Interior Demolitionist smacks his coffee cup with a hammer ]

Mrs. Henderson: Are you sure you have the right house?

Interior Demolitionist #2: Uh, Boss — I think we’re pretty much ready for you over here by the TV.

Mrs. Henderson: My husband doesn’t tell me anything, and I thought, you know, maybe you could have gotten the wrong house! The people next door might have called you —

[ Interior Demolitionist #2 climbs on a chair and holds a bowling ball tied to a chain, which Interior Demolitionist #1 grabs from the bottom and aims for the direct center of the TV, busting the screen and blowing a tube ]

Interior Demolitionist #2: No problem there!

Interior Demolitionist #1: Yeah.

Mrs. Henderson: [ desperately ] You know, it’s funny — my husband sounds like a lot of people on the phone! You could have mistaken him for anyone!

Interior Demolitionist #1: [ to Interior Demolitionist #2 ] Well, I guess we’d better take care of this stuff before we set the explosives. [ he picks up a chair and snashes it into a curio cabinet ][ meanwhile, Interior Demolitionist 2 smashes and stomps upon a bookcase near the stairs ]

Mrs. Henderson: [ calling upstairs ] Honey, did you order explosives?!

[ an explosion can be heard outside ] [ from upstairs ] Okay, honey, I’ll be out in a moment!

[ Willie enters, carrying a detonator ]

Willie: Okay, Boss! Finished with the garage!

Interior Demolitionist #1: Okay, Willie — wire the sofa!

Mrs. Henderson: [ confused ] Really? Wire the sofa?

[ as Willie sets up the detonator under the sofa, Interior Demolitionist #2 steadies a ladder below the chandelier ]

Interior Demolitionist #2: Ready for you here, Boss. Take your time. I’ve got the ladder.

[ Interior Demolitionist #1 climbs the ladder, then snaps the chandelier wire in half. It crashes through the coffee table below ] [ suddenly, Mr. Henderson runs downstairs with a towel wrapped around his neck ]

Mr. Henderson: What’s going on? What’s going on here? What is going on?

Interior Demolitionist #1: Mr. Henderson!

Mr. Henderson: This is my house! What’s going on?!

Interior Demolitionist #1: We’re the interior demolitionists.

Mr. Henderson: Interior demolitionists?

Interior Demolitionist #1: Yeah.

Mr. Henderson: [ dumbfounded ] You expect me to pay for this?

Interior Demolitionist #2: Excuse me, sir, uh — [ he chuckles ] We haven’t finished yet!

Mr. Henderson: Haven’t finished? You haven’t even started. Get out of my house!

Interior Demolitionist #1: One minute. You’re paying us by the hour. Yuo might as well let us finish. Willie, hit the plunger.

[ Willie presses the detonator, as the couch makes a small boom ans smoke plummets upward ] [ Mr. Henderson checks under the cushions, not satisfied ]

Mr. Henderson: Okay, out! Out, out, out! Get out, get out, get out! Out! Out! All of you, get out of here! Move!

[ the men head toward the door ]

Interior Demolitionist #1: You want me to send you an invoice, Mr. Henderson?

Mr. Henderson: Get out! Get out of my house! Interior demolitionists!

[ the men exit the house ]

Mr. Henderson: [ to his wife ] Interior demolitionists, they call themselves! Look at this! [ he picks up a vase ] Look at this vase! It’s hardly even chipped! At $500 an hour, I expect rubble! Fragments!

Mrs. Henderson: Honey, you’re such a perfectionist! Here!

[ she throws the vase at the wall, but it just bounces off without breaking ] [ dissolve to studio wide shot, with SUPER: “Coming Up Next… The Elephant’s Funeral Home” ] [ fade ]

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