SNL Transcripts: Elliot Gould: 01/10/76: Interior Demolitionists


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 9

75i: Elliot Gould / Anne Murray

Interior Demolitionists

Mrs. Henderson…..Jane Curtin
Interior Demolitionist #1…..Elliot Gould
Interior Demolitionist #2…..Chevy Chase
Willie…..Garrett Morris
Mr. Henderson…..Dan Aykroyd

[ open on Mrs. Henderson reading the newspaper and drinking a cup of coffee in her living, as the doorbell rings ]

Mrs. Henderson: Coming!

[ she straightens the newspaper and dashes across the room as the doorbell rings again ]

Mrs. Henderson: Just a minute!

Mr. Henderson: [ from upstairs ] Who is it, honey?

Mrs. Henderson: [ calling up ] I have no idea!

[ suddenly, an axe is chopped through the front door, and two unknwon men enter the living room ]

Interior Demolitionist #2: Morning, ma’am.

Mrs. Henderson: Come in…

Interior Demolitionist #1: Morning, ma’am. Interior demolitionists. Are you Mrs. Henderson?

Mrs. Henderson: Yeah. Interior demolitionists?

Interior Demolitionist #1: Yeah. Where do you want us to begin?

Mrs. Henderson: Uh — [ calling upstairs ] Honey?! Did you send for interior demolitionists?!

[ Interior Demolitionist #1 picks up a vase and smacks it to pieces with a hammer ]

Mr. Henderson: [ from upstairs ] I can’t hear what you’re saying, honey — I’m in the shower!

Mrs. Henderson: [ calling upstairs ] Did you send for interior demolitionists?!!

Mr. Henderson: [ from upstairs ] Whaaat?

Mrs. Henderson: [ to Interior Demolitionist #1 ] Do you want — you want some coffee?

Interior Demolitionist #1: Oh, yeah! Great!

Interior Demolitionist #2: No coffee for me, thank you.

[ Mrs. Henderson pours another cup of coffee ]

Interior Demolitionist #1: Well, you just leave this to us, Mrs. Henderson. We’ve got a lot of experience. [ he takes a cup of coffee ]

Interior Demolitionist #2: [ holding clock ] Beautiful clock, ma’am.

Mrs. Henderson: Oh… yeah. It’s Austrian. It’s been in our family for —

Interior Demolitionist #2: Well, it’s just beautiful. [ he drops it to the floor, then stomps on it ] [ Interior Demolitionist smacks his coffee cup with a hammer ]

Mrs. Henderson: Are you sure you have the right house?

Interior Demolitionist #2: Uh, Boss — I think we’re pretty much ready for you over here by the TV.

Mrs. Henderson: My husband doesn’t tell me anything, and I thought, you know, maybe you could have gotten the wrong house! The people next door might have called you —

[ Interior Demolitionist #2 climbs on a chair and holds a bowling ball tied to a chain, which Interior Demolitionist #1 grabs from the bottom and aims for the direct center of the TV, busting the screen and blowing a tube ]

Interior Demolitionist #2: No problem there!

Interior Demolitionist #1: Yeah.

Mrs. Henderson: [ desperately ] You know, it’s funny — my husband sounds like a lot of people on the phone! You could have mistaken him for anyone!

Interior Demolitionist #1: [ to Interior Demolitionist #2 ] Well, I guess we’d better take care of this stuff before we set the explosives. [ he picks up a chair and snashes it into a curio cabinet ][ meanwhile, Interior Demolitionist 2 smashes and stomps upon a bookcase near the stairs ]

Mrs. Henderson: [ calling upstairs ] Honey, did you order explosives?!

[ an explosion can be heard outside ] [ from upstairs ] Okay, honey, I’ll be out in a moment!

[ Willie enters, carrying a detonator ]

Willie: Okay, Boss! Finished with the garage!

Interior Demolitionist #1: Okay, Willie — wire the sofa!

Mrs. Henderson: [ confused ] Really? Wire the sofa?

[ as Willie sets up the detonator under the sofa, Interior Demolitionist #2 steadies a ladder below the chandelier ]

Interior Demolitionist #2: Ready for you here, Boss. Take your time. I’ve got the ladder.

[ Interior Demolitionist #1 climbs the ladder, then snaps the chandelier wire in half. It crashes through the coffee table below ] [ suddenly, Mr. Henderson runs downstairs with a towel wrapped around his neck ]

Mr. Henderson: What’s going on? What’s going on here? What is going on?

Interior Demolitionist #1: Mr. Henderson!

Mr. Henderson: This is my house! What’s going on?!

Interior Demolitionist #1: We’re the interior demolitionists.

Mr. Henderson: Interior demolitionists?

Interior Demolitionist #1: Yeah.

Mr. Henderson: [ dumbfounded ] You expect me to pay for this?

Interior Demolitionist #2: Excuse me, sir, uh — [ he chuckles ] We haven’t finished yet!

Mr. Henderson: Haven’t finished? You haven’t even started. Get out of my house!

Interior Demolitionist #1: One minute. You’re paying us by the hour. Yuo might as well let us finish. Willie, hit the plunger.

[ Willie presses the detonator, as the couch makes a small boom ans smoke plummets upward ] [ Mr. Henderson checks under the cushions, not satisfied ]

Mr. Henderson: Okay, out! Out, out, out! Get out, get out, get out! Out! Out! All of you, get out of here! Move!

[ the men head toward the door ]

Interior Demolitionist #1: You want me to send you an invoice, Mr. Henderson?

Mr. Henderson: Get out! Get out of my house! Interior demolitionists!

[ the men exit the house ]

Mr. Henderson: [ to his wife ] Interior demolitionists, they call themselves! Look at this! [ he picks up a vase ] Look at this vase! It’s hardly even chipped! At $500 an hour, I expect rubble! Fragments!

Mrs. Henderson: Honey, you’re such a perfectionist! Here!

[ she throws the vase at the wall, but it just bounces off without breaking ] [ dissolve to studio wide shot, with SUPER: “Coming Up Next… The Elephant’s Funeral Home” ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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