Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 1: Episode 9
[ Queen Peuta and Scred are browsing through The Joy of Sex. ]
Scred: Well, what’ll it be tonight, your horniness? Shall we wrap ourselves in linguini? Or shall I just play with your moogies? Hee hee hee…
Peuta: SCRED! [ POW! ]
Scred: Oh, oh oh oh. Hmmm. That was kinda nice. I like that, too. Hit me again!
Peuta: Ohhh… when will you ever grow up? All you men make sex sound so… so vile.
Scred: [ looking through the book: ] WOW… Hey, Peuta, could we start right here on page 92? Look at that picture! How do they make their bodies do that, anyway? [ He tries to crane his neck into the pose. ] Owww.
Peuta: Scred, stop that!
Peuta: I want to talk to you about something very serious.
Scred: Ohhh… can’t it wait?
Peuta: I mean, right NOW! [ POW! ]
Scred: Wow. I love a woman who takes charge.
Peuta: Scred, Scred, Scred! This affair of ours can’t go on any longer. I’m starting to feel so guilty about it.
Scred: Guilty? Why, we’ve been meeting like this for four hundred years! It’s kinda fun!
Peuta: Ha ha… I know, but still and all, darling, it bothers me that Ploobis doesn’t know about us.
Scred: Okay. I’ll tell him. Sometime. [ He nuzzles Peuta, kissing her neck. ]
Peuta: No, Scred… you must tell him NOW! Otherwise… you’ll have to do without!
Scred: Without what?
Peuta: Without… THIS! [ She raises her shirt to flash her moogies. ]
Scred: Oh, NO!
Peuta: Think about it, Scred! [ She walks off with her nose in the air. ]
Scred: Ohhh… what a dilemma! Wow. Without Peuta, I’d just DIE! But if I tell Ploobis… he’ll KILL me! Ohhhh…
[ Cut to: King Ploobis at his desk, writing a letter. ]
Ploobis: Gruuhhhrrr… Dear Abby…
[ Scred enters. ]
Scred: Hey, Ploobis! I gotta talk to you about something.
Ploobis: Not NOW, can’t you see I’m busy? [ POW! ]
Scred: Heyyy… he’s almost as good as Peuta!
Ploobis: Scred… I’m very upset.
Scred: Ohhh… what’s wrong, your cuckoldness?
Ploobis: Well, you know I’ve been married to Peuta for over six centuries…
Scred: Mmm hmm…
Ploobis: Mostly, it’s been a happy marriage, but… I think my wife is seeing another man.
[ Scred starts to quiver. ]
Ploobis: Yes, I… I just don’t know what to do about it… I think, Scred, I think I may cry.
Scred: Ohhhh! That’s the saddest thing I ever heard!
Ploobis: Mmm hmmm.
Scred: Any idea who the rat is?
Ploobis: No. But I’ll tell you one thing… if I ever get my hands on him…
[ Ploobis grabs Scred by the throat… ]
Ploobis: I’m gonna grab him by the throat… and then I’m gonna twist his neck… and then I’m gonna stick my fingers in his ears… and I’m gonna SHAKE him… until he is DEAD!
[ Ploobis throws Scred down on the ground. Scred gasps for air as he gets up. ]
Scred: WOW! What page is THAT on?
Ploobis: Oh, Scred, I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to hurt you, I just got carried away there, please excuse me, my friend, my pal. Incidentally, uh — what was it you wanted to talk about?
Scred: Uhhh… oh, nothing! Just wanted to wish you a nice day! Heh.
Ploobis: Oh. Yes, it probably is, isn’t it. Somewhere…
[ Ploobis walks off, the model of dignified sorrow. ]
Scred: Oh, no. What have I done? Ohhh… imagine me, Scred — a home wrecker! A ladies’ man! A gigolo! Hey, that’s kind of exciting… Oh, what am I saying? This is serious! Oh, I’ve gotta talk to somebody…
[ GONNNNG! ]
Favog: THIS IS THE MIGHTY FAVOG. TALK TA ME.
Scred: Oh, Favog… I’ve got a problem!
Favog: HMMMM. IT’S GONNA COST YA. WHAT IS IT — BUSINESS, SPORTS OR PERSONAL?
Favog: AWRIIIIGHT! THAT’LL BE, UH, FOUR CHICKENS.
Scred: Hmmm. Wow. That’s kinda steep.
Favog: IS THIS REAL JUICY STUFF?
Scred: Yeah. It’s about me and Peuta.
Favog: AWRIIIIGHT! TWO CHICKENS!
Scred: And Ploobis…
Favog: NO CHARGE! AWRIGHT, TALK TA ME. HURRY UP.
Scred: Oh, I’m really in trouble.
Favog: YEAH, YEAH?
Scred: Yeah, ya see…
Scred: Peuta and I have been having an affair.
Favog: I LOVE IT!
Scred: Yeah, but the thing is that Peuta says I can’t see her anymore, unless I tell Ploobis!
Favog: MMMM. THAT IS A PROBLEM.
Favog: BUT YOU DON’T NEED ANYONE ELSE. YOU CAN FIND SELF FULFILLMENT BY YOURSELF.
Scred: What do you mean?
Favog: LOOK IT UP. PAGE 212 IN THE JOY OF SEX.
[ Scred’s eyes widen… and he runs off to find his book. ]
Courtesy of: Tough Pigs Anthology