SNL Transcripts: Buck Henry: 01/17/76: American Constipation Society


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 10

75j: Buck Henry / Bill Withers, Toni Basil, The Blues Brothers

American Constipation Society

Fred…..Buck Henry
Beatrice…..Jane Curtin
Gilda…..Gilda Radner
Chevy…..Chevy Chase
Officer Jackson…..Garrett Morris

Announcer: [ over title card ] And now a word from the American Constipation Society.

[ dissolve to suburban living room, Fred seated on the couch reading the newspaper as Beatrice walks past ]

Fred: Say, honey? what say we don’t take our usual walk tonight?

Beatrice: Not feeling well?

Fred: Ah, I don’t know. I guess I’m a little “under the weather.”

Beatrice: Oh? What’s the matter?

Fred: You know.

Beatrice: No, I don’t know, Fred.

Fred: Well, I’m feeling a little… “out of sorts”, dear.

Beatrice: Out of sorts. [ she comes around the couch and sits ] Did I just hear you say “out of sorts”?

Fred: Mmm-hmm.

Beatrice: You know, last night, Fred, you couldn’t make it up to the sidewalk because you were — what was it? You, uh… “weren’t in the swing of things.”

Fred: I’m sorry, honey. I wish I could “get back in the saddle again”, but… well, Beatrice… quite bluntly, I just can’t… “get on the runway.”

Beatrice: Say no more! What you’re trying to say is that you’ve been feeling “grounded” lately. No “lift-off”… a little “jet lag”.

[ suddenly, Gilda and Chevy enter the living room ]

Gilda: Hi, Bea! Hi, Fred! How are you?

[ the two women exchange hugs, as Chevy joins Fred on the couch ]

Chevy: Hey, I haven’t seen you on your walks lately. I just thought we’d drop by, see how you’re feeling. Everything’s okay?

Fred: Oh, sure, everything’s fine. I’m not quite “up to par” lately, I guess.

Chevy: A-ha!

Beatrice: Fred’s overtook you in the Bombay doors.

Chevy: Ah! [ he laughs ]

Gilda: Can’t “sink the ball”, huh, Fred?

Chevy: Hey, what’s the matter, Fred — “horse won’t leave the starting gate”?

Gilda: [ laughing ] Well, what’s bothering you, Fred? Can’t “get the garage door open”?

Beatrice: Fred has “plenty of bills, but no loose change!”

[ everyone laughs uproariously, as Officer Jackson enters ]

Chevy: Hey! Officer Jackson! Are we making a little too much noise for the neighbors?

Officer Jackson: No, I’m sure everything is all right. I just heard the laughing and wanted to make sure there was no irregularity.

[ everyone laughs harder, as Fred fumes ]

Officer Jackson: Hey, I guess you folks are up here having a blast, huh?

[ everyone laughs harder ]

Beatrice: Some of us are, but not Fred. Huh, Fred?

Fred: Everything’s just FINE, Walt! It’s a hazy evening — you think it’s gonna rain?

Officer Jackson: Oh, I don’t know. Them thunder heads, they’ve been building up for days. ‘Course, I don’t know if they’re gonna break, though, uh — ‘course, Riverdale could use a little rain.

Chevy: [ laughing ] Hey, uh — just a quick “cloud burst” would be nice, eh, Fred?

Beatrice: [ laughing ] Even a “gust of wind” would be nice for a change, huh?

Officer Jackson: Hey, now, come on! Don’t you think you’re being a little hard on Fred? Well, Fred, I’ve been knowking you a long time, and you do look a little under the weather. What’s wrong, uh… you “can’t get the LOG on the FIRE!!” [ he starts laughing with the others ]

Beatrice: [ laughing ] Walt, he hasn’t even “found the kick pin” yet!

Gilda: Fred “can’t get the tarts out of the oven”!

Chevy: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!! Come on, come on, come on! When Fred’s ready — and only when Fred’s ready — Fred’s gonna “snap a big fish”, aren’t you, Fred?

[ everyone laughs harder, as Fred fumes and Chevy gives him a sly little wink ] [ an uncomfortable pause, as everyone waits for the… ] [ dissolve to art card: “Constipation: No Laughing Matter” ]

Announcer: This is Don Pardo saying: Constipation is no laughing matter.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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