Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 1: Episode 10
American Constipation Society
Officer Jackson…..Garrett Morris
Announcer: [ over title card ] And now a word from the American Constipation Society.[ dissolve to suburban living room, Fred seated on the couch reading the newspaper as Beatrice walks past ]
Fred: Say, honey? what say we don’t take our usual walk tonight?
Beatrice: Not feeling well?
Fred: Ah, I don’t know. I guess I’m a little “under the weather.”
Beatrice: Oh? What’s the matter?
Fred: You know.
Beatrice: No, I don’t know, Fred.
Fred: Well, I’m feeling a little… “out of sorts”, dear.
Beatrice: Out of sorts. [ she comes around the couch and sits ] Did I just hear you say “out of sorts”?
Beatrice: You know, last night, Fred, you couldn’t make it up to the sidewalk because you were — what was it? You, uh… “weren’t in the swing of things.”
Fred: I’m sorry, honey. I wish I could “get back in the saddle again”, but… well, Beatrice… quite bluntly, I just can’t… “get on the runway.”
Beatrice: Say no more! What you’re trying to say is that you’ve been feeling “grounded” lately. No “lift-off”… a little “jet lag”.[ suddenly, Gilda and Chevy enter the living room ]
Gilda: Hi, Bea! Hi, Fred! How are you?[ the two women exchange hugs, as Chevy joins Fred on the couch ]
Chevy: Hey, I haven’t seen you on your walks lately. I just thought we’d drop by, see how you’re feeling. Everything’s okay?
Fred: Oh, sure, everything’s fine. I’m not quite “up to par” lately, I guess.
Beatrice: Fred’s overtook you in the Bombay doors.
Chevy: Ah! [ he laughs ]
Gilda: Can’t “sink the ball”, huh, Fred?
Chevy: Hey, what’s the matter, Fred — “horse won’t leave the starting gate”?
Gilda: [ laughing ] Well, what’s bothering you, Fred? Can’t “get the garage door open”?
Beatrice: Fred has “plenty of bills, but no loose change!”[ everyone laughs uproariously, as Officer Jackson enters ]
Chevy: Hey! Officer Jackson! Are we making a little too much noise for the neighbors?
Officer Jackson: No, I’m sure everything is all right. I just heard the laughing and wanted to make sure there was no irregularity.[ everyone laughs harder, as Fred fumes ]
Officer Jackson: Hey, I guess you folks are up here having a blast, huh?[ everyone laughs harder ]
Beatrice: Some of us are, but not Fred. Huh, Fred?
Fred: Everything’s just FINE, Walt! It’s a hazy evening — you think it’s gonna rain?
Officer Jackson: Oh, I don’t know. Them thunder heads, they’ve been building up for days. ‘Course, I don’t know if they’re gonna break, though, uh — ‘course, Riverdale could use a little rain.
Chevy: [ laughing ] Hey, uh — just a quick “cloud burst” would be nice, eh, Fred?
Beatrice: [ laughing ] Even a “gust of wind” would be nice for a change, huh?
Officer Jackson: Hey, now, come on! Don’t you think you’re being a little hard on Fred? Well, Fred, I’ve been knowking you a long time, and you do look a little under the weather. What’s wrong, uh… you “can’t get the LOG on the FIRE!!” [ he starts laughing with the others ]
Beatrice: [ laughing ] Walt, he hasn’t even “found the kick pin” yet!
Gilda: Fred “can’t get the tarts out of the oven”!
Chevy: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!! Come on, come on, come on! When Fred’s ready — and only when Fred’s ready — Fred’s gonna “snap a big fish”, aren’t you, Fred?[ everyone laughs harder, as Fred fumes and Chevy gives him a sly little wink ] [ an uncomfortable pause, as everyone waits for the… ] [ dissolve to art card: “Constipation: No Laughing Matter” ]
Announcer: This is Don Pardo saying: Constipation is no laughing matter.[ fade ]