SNL Transcripts: Buck Henry: 01/17/76: Auto Mechanic Bedtime Stories

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 10

75j: Buck Henry / Bill Withers, Toni Basil, The Blues Brothers

Auto Mechanic Bedtime Stories

Mother … Jane Curtin
Father … Dan Aykroyd
Debbie … Gilda Radner

[In a living room at bedtime, a little girl namedDebbie, wearing pajamas, listens intently as hermother reads aloud from a children’s book:]

Mother: “… said Pilot Porcupine as he skillfully seta northerly course. As they climbed higher and higher,the passengers could see the–“

Father: [wearing mechanic’s overalls, enters, removeshis cap and sighs] Hi.

Mother: Oh, hi, honey.

[Father gives mother a kiss and tosses his cap aside,clearly exhausted from a long day at work.]

Debbie: Hi, Daddy!

Mother: [to father] Hey, sweetheart, I have to go topottery class and catch up on my glazing. Will you putDebbie to bed?

Father: Yeah, okay.

Mother: Oh, thanks. [to Debbie] Goodbye, sweetie.

Debbie: Bye, Mom.

Father: Take the wagon, okay, honey?

Mother: Okay.

[Mother exits as father, groaning and stretching histired limbs, collapses onto the sofa.]

Debbie: [enthusiastically joins father on the sofa]Daddy! Could – could you tell me a story before I goto bed?

Father: [wearily dismissive] I don’t know any stories,Debbie. Go on to bed now.

Debbie: Couldn’t you tell me a story about your work?

Father: There’s nothing at the garage that wouldinterest a little girl. Now, go on to bed, okay?[lights a cigarette]

Debbie: No, Daddy, couldn’t you please tell me astory?! I won’t be able to fall asleep! Oh, PLEASE!Oh, PLEASE!

Father: [exasperated] Okay! All right, I got a storyfor ya. [Debbie listens raptly as her father describeshis work as if it were a children’s story] Once upon atime, a guy comes into the shop with a small blockChevy 6. I take a look at it. I say, I know there’ssome tappet knocking here so I pull the valve coveroff, I strip the gasket, and I’m all set to tightendown the rocker arms, and there’s a whole lot o’ oil–

Debbie: Daddy, was there a bear?

Father: No, but a guy was as mad as a bear when I toldhim he was lookin’ at a ring job. You know, it’sexpensive. So he said he didn’t know, so I startedpullin’ the differential out of the tow truck–

Debbie: Was there a tiny dwarf?

Father: Yeah. Yeah, there was a dwarf, right in thehub. So I chased him with a hammer all the way downthe axle and I pulled the hub off and it turned out itwas just a wheel bearing and not the pinion gearlike–

Debbie: And – and – and did ya find any magic beans?

Father: Yeah. Well, there was this one guy, said he’dgive me three hundred and twenty-two magic beans ifI’d, uh, open his ports a bit, uh, blow the engine outto forty thousand over and, uh, bolt on a set o’headers.

Debbie: Was there a witch?

Father: I used the winch to drop a three eighteen intothe old Dodge pick-up, yeah.

Debbie: And did the – did the princess find the frog?

Father: No, but I did — right in the starter drive.Right between the Bendix spring and the armature. So Ipulled out the armature, replaced all the brushes andit run–

Debbie: Did Bambi come out of the forest?

Father: Bambi? Yeah, Bambi came out of the forest,this guy was goin’ about sixty — WHAMMO! — hisradiator, the grill, gone! I had to put it right in.You know how hard it is to replace a radiator on a ’63Chevy? Ya gotta–

Debbie: Did they all get married and live happily everafter?

Father: Well, this guy was married and the bill wasn’ttoo bad. Now go to bed, will ya please?

Debbie: Okay.

[Debbie kisses her father, scurries toward the stairsbut stops and turns.]

Debbie: Daddy?

Father: What do you want now?

Debbie: If you put on new tie rods and king pins, doyou have to do a complete wheel alignment?

Father: Yeah, ya do, usually, yeah.

[Satisfied, Debbie runs upstairs. Father does adelayed double take, amazed that there was somethingat the garage that would interest a little girl …] [pull back to audience wide shot, with SUPER: “Coming Up Next… God Never Meant For Pictures To Fly Through The Air”]

Submitted Anonymously

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