Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 1: Episode 10
[ The camera pans across a deserted, rocky landscape — craters filled with smoky, bubbling slime. ]
Announcer: Come with us now… from the bubbling tarpits to the sulfurous wasteland… from the rotting forest to the stagnant mud flats… to the Land of Gorch.
[ Scred enters, carrying a big cardboard box marked “SCRED: c/o Gortch” ]
Scred: Hee hee hee. Oh boy! It finally arrived! It’s here, Peuta!
[ Queen Peuta enters. ]
Peuta: What? What are you talking about?
Scred: Oh, why, the marital aid that I sent away for!
Peuta: Marital aid?
Scred: Yes, your kinkiness!
Peuta: Why, we’re not even married!
Scred: Oh. Well, then it must be an extra-marital aid. Heh heh heh. Let’s see what we have…
[ Scred opens the box and pulls out a weird device — a rusty silver box about the shape of a portable radio, with switches, knobs and a big red lightbulb at the top. ]
Scred: Oh, boy! Look at this!
Peuta: OH! Scred… what is that thing?
Scred: I don’t know! But isn’t it beautiful? And it’s guaranteed to enhance our enjoyment! Hee hee hee hee!
Scred: Oh boy, yeah. This is gonna be fun.
Peuta: Where did you get that thing?
Scred: Oh, I got it in an ad from a magazine I was reading… it’s called Bound and Gagged. Hee hee hee. Oh, this is going to be so much fun… Ploobis is away, it’ll just be the three of us. You… me… and The Monster.
Peuta: Oh, Scred, I’ve never done anything like this before… I’m frightened!
Scred: Oh, don’t worry… there’s an instruction pamphlet that came with it.
Peuta: Very well, then, dear. I’ll be right back. I’m going to slip into my Frederick’s of Hollywood!
Scred: Oooh, la la la!
[ Peuta exits. ]
Scred: Ah, boy. Whatta girl. She may not be beautiful, but she sure knows how to ring my bell. Let’s see, I gotta find those instructions. Oh, yeah, here they are. Uhh… oh, NO!
Peuta: [ offscreen: ] What’s the matter?
Scred: It’s the instructions! I can’t read ’em! They’re in Japanese!
[ Peuta enters, wearing a purple-fringed robe. ]
Peuta: Urrrgghhh. Aren’t they all. What are we gonna do now?
Scred: Aw, don’t worry, I think I’ll be able to figure it out. Yeah. I know what to do. Just get ready there.
Peuta: Oh, I’m so excited! Ha ha! What do you want me to do, Scred?
Scred: Uh… if you could just put your head down on the top of it there.
Peuta: Okay… How should I do it? Like this?
Scred: Yeah, yeah… that looks right. [ Nothing happens. ] Mmm hmm. [ He taps her head. ] Feel anything yet?
Peuta: No. Can’t say I do.
Scred: Oh. Well, here. How about this.
[ He picks up the device and whacks her across the face with it. ]
Scred: Feel anything now?
Peuta: Urrrghh. Hardly. Oh, here. Maybe you’re doing it wrong. Let me try.
Scred: Oh no no no no, give me one more chance!
[ He holds the device up to Peuta’s moogies. The red light flashes, and a siren blares. Peuta moans. ]
Scred: It’s working! It’s… it’s starting to WORK!
[ The siren sounds as they fall to the floor, moaning and giggling. Bits of clothes fly up over the boulders. Peuta screams. ]
Peuta: Oh! OHHH! SCRED! SCRE-E-E-ED!
Scred: OH, your MUTUALNESS! Oh! WHOA!
Scred: Oh! Oh! Oh! Your togetherness!
[ The siren fades. Scred and Peuta come up for air. ]
Scred: Oh! WOW! That was something else!
Peuta: Oh. Well… Is that all there is?
Scred: Some people are never satisfied.
[ He dives under her, and they fall to the floor again. ]
Courtesy of: Tough Pigs Anthology