SNL Transcripts: Buck Henry: 01/17/76: Samurai Deli

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 10

75j: Buck Henry / Bill Withers, Toni Basil, The Blues Brothers

Samurai Deli

Written by: Alan Zweibel

Samurai…..John Belushi
Mr. Dantley…..Buck Henry

Announcer: And now, another episode of “Samurai Delicatessen”.

Mr. Dantley: [enters deli ] Uh, can I have a sandwich, please?

[ Samurai holds his sword across the counter, yelling, then points at the “Take a Number Please” sign with his sword. Mr. Dantley pulls a number, as the Samurai yells various numbers. Finally, Mr. Dantley’s number is called. ]

Mr. Dantley: Yes. [ hands over his number ] I’d like to have acombination cold-cut sandwich. [ Samurai shouts ] Sure. Very lean on the corned beef. Sure. And a cream soda. All right.

[ Samurai busts the bread open with his head, then slices some cold cuts with sword ]

I’m sure glad I found you open. You know, most of the places are closed this late. Uh, can I have some Thousand Island dressing on that, please?

[ Samurai complies ]

I guess you can hardly wait for that ol’ Super Bowl tomorrow, huh? You know, I like Dallas, but I’m going to bet on the Steelers. The way I see it, if Bradshaw is hot tomorrow, and Franco Harris really gets the ball and runs.. could I have a little, uh, a little sliced tomato on that, please? [ Samurai slices a tomato in mid-air with his sword ] Anyway, like I said, if they let Harris handle the ball, if they keep it on the ground for a while and really move up there in that first quarter, no major injuries..

[ Samurai slides Mr. Dantley’s sandwich across the counter ]

Hey, listen, you do really fantastic work. That is gorgeous! Can you do me one little favor? Could you trim away some of the fat? I distinctly said, “No fat.” There’s a lot of fat hanging off it. [ Samurai shouts in disgust ] I, I really meant no fat and it’s, uh, it’s.. [ Samurai prepares to stab himself with his sword ] Hey! Oh, no, no! Wait a minute. Ah, don’t take it personally. It’s okay. Look, I probably.. I, I probably shouldn’t be eating that anyway because it’s filled with spices, it gives me heartburn. Oh, what the hell. You only live once.I’ll deal with the pain later.

[ Samurai withdraws his sword ]

Would it be, uh.. would it be too much to ask if you could cut it in half? [ Samurai screams, pulls out his sword, then carefully cuts the sandwich in half ] That’s absolutely beautiful. Thank you very much. That’s terrific. Ah, one other thing. Do you think you could break a twenty?

[ Samurai shouts, and slams his sword on the $20 bill, smashing the counter to bits ] [ fade to black ]

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