Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 1: Episode 10
Weekend Update with Chevy Chase
Henry Zuckerman…..Buck Henry
Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update” with Chevy Chase.
Chevy Chase: [ into the phone ] Noooo, I love it when you keep your eyes open. [ he smiles wantonly, then looks up and suddenly sees the camera ] I gotta go! Bye. [ he hangs up ] Good evening, I’m Chevy Chase… and I love you all very deeply.
Our top story tonight. Dateline, New York: Medical history is made in a stunning revelation this afternoon. Doctors and researchers at the Columbian-Presbyterian Medical Center have discovered that it is white mice that cause cancer.
Secretary of State Henry Kissinger, en route to Moscow, will stop at the Miami Super Bowl, in an attempt to reach a settlement between the Dallas Cowboys and the Pittsburgh Steelers. On the way back from Moscow, Kissinger will see King Juan Carlos of Spain, and will also visit Francisco Franco, who is still seriously dead.
Another note on the Super Bowl: President Ford expressed regret that he won’t be able to join Mr. Kissinger in miami tomorrow, saying that he is flying to boston for the first game of the World Series.
Well, the body of Chinese Premier Zhou Enlai was cremated this week in a cemetary near Peking. In what officials have called a Szechwan-style burial, Zhou was ceremoniously placed on a bed of rice and smothered with Oriental spices. In deference to their fallen leader, China has honored the late Premier by naming a new dish after him: Moo Goo Guy Dead.
Following recent disclosures that Sen. Edward M. Kennedy has promised his mother, Mrs. Rose Kennedy, that he will not run for the presidency in her lifetime, Democratic hopefuls birched by Hubert Humphrey, Henry Jackson, and ex-governor Jimmy Carter have also telephoned Mrs. Kennedy and promised her the same thing. Humphrey aides say they believe it could be a wise political move.
Campaign close-up ’76! On the campaign trail today, Sen. Fred Harris of Oklahoma denied allegations that he combs his hair with buttered toast.
Well, always controversial, always candid, always innovative… First Lady Betty Ford revealed that she has discovered a new, full-proof method of birth control. Before going to bed at night, she gives the President a stick of chewing gum.
Chevy Chase: “Weekend Update” has been having some difficulty in the last few weeks connecting up with our correspondent in Angola, because of the heavy fighting reported there. The lines of communication, however, have now been repaired, I’m happy to say, so, right now, let’s go live via satellite to our offices in war-torn Luanda, Angloa, for a telephone report from correspondent Susan McCormick. [ he picks up the phone ] [ on the monitor, we see the image of a janitor mopping up in an office, as the phone begins to ring ]
Janitor: [ he picks up ] Hello?
Chevy Chase: Hello? Susan?
Janitor: Uh… there’s nobody here.
Chevy Chase: Is this Angola, live?
Janitor: This is Angola any way you want to look at it! Who is this?
Chevy Chase: Uh, may I speak to correspondent Susan McCormick, please?
Janitor: Are you crazy, man? It’s six in the morning. There’s nobody in at this time.
Chevy Chase: Well, uh — how’s the fighting there? Pretty heavy, huh?
Janitor: Hell no, man! There’s no one — it’s too early — what — what is this?
Chevy Chase: [ he glances at the monitor and expresses great surprise ] I see. Thank you very much. [ he hangs up ] War-torn Luanda, Angola, in a rare moment of calm.
Elsewhere in Africa, it was announced that the small nation of Chad has changed its name to Brian. In a spirit of Third World solidarity, the nation of Tanzania has changed its name to Debbie.
Chevy Chase: A reminder to those of our viewers who missed our story last week on the influx of so-called Killer Dope in urban areas around the country. “Weekend Update” has been analyzing the samples of marijuana sent to us anonymously all week. We are pleased to reprot that, so far, the only significant finding has been that if you force a baby squirrel to smoke seven-hundred cannabis joints a day, he will become disoriented, seems to take the laws of self-preservation less seriously, tending to play with his nuts rather than store them.
Once again, if you should come into contact with ANY suspicious cannabis, and wish it be analyzed by “Weekend Update”‘s team of research analysts, simply send a small sample immediately to: [ SUPER ] “Chevy Chase, 857 West 81 Street, New York City”.
THe Sports and National Football League has announced, because of the poor nielsen ratings of the last two Super Bowl games aired on television, it will make this year’s contest more exciting by disallowing the use of football helmets in the field.
Steelers defensive linebacker #76, Charlie Hewett, was the first to quit in protest against the new ruling that the player’s hair must be cut short and indicate their numbers.
Well, college fads come and go, don’t they? From cramming students into phoe booths to streaking. At Grey Wind Junior College, on the Florida Keys, the latest rage is seeing how much oatmeal you can stuff into a Volkswagen.
Still to come: Cannibalism – Boon or Hindrance? The new fashion rage: Spray-On-Clothing. And Who Killed Agatha Christie? Right after this filmed message.[ dissolve to Germasol ad parody ] [ return to Chevy Chase at the desk ]
Chevy Chase: And now, here to reply to a “Weekend Update” editorial, is Henry Zuckerman, Vice-President of the Association of Fastuous Peasants.
Henry Zuckerman: For Pete’s sakes! Isn’t it time we LISTEN to the Vatican, rather than closing our mind and our spirits? A recent 6,000 word declaration on certain questions concerning sexual ethics, issued by the Sacred Congregation from the Doctrine of Faith, with the approval of Pope Paul VI, states CLEARLY that the Church considers masturbation a SERIOUSLY disordered act! [ at his side, Chevy Chase begins making faces and gestures unseen to Zuckerman ] YET, hundreds of millions of people all around the world still persist in TOUCHING themselves! How do we know? Look at their complexions! The Vatican is also writing, condemning homosexuality as intrinsically wrong! The AFP disagrees with “Weekend Update”‘s contention that there is something intrinsically wrong with men in black robes, living and chanting together in theological schools around the world! [ sensing Chevy’s motions, Zuckerman turns to look, but Chevy quickly maintains a normal pose ] Spiritual enlightment is as natural as celibacy itself! Let’s open our hearts, and our minds — [ he takes another quick look at Chevy’s antics, but Chevy maintains his normal pose ] and realize that it is a far, far better thing to touch a turtle’s tooth… than to touch down there. Thank you.
Chevy Chase: “Weekend Update” recognizes its obligation to present responsible opposing viewpoints to our editorials. [ he glanceas quickly at Zuckerman ]
And now as a public service to those of our viewers who may be deceased, I will repeat the top story of the day, aided by the Chairman of the Committee for Dead Americans, Mr. Alan Zweibel.[ Alan Zweibel appears in a circle above Chevy’s shoulder, posed with his arms across his chest like a corpse ]
Our top story tonight… [ no response from Zweibel ]
And that’s the news tonight. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.