Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 1: Episode 11
Don Pardos Holiday in an Elevator
Elevator Boy…..Tom Schiller
Native People…..Dudley Moore
Customs Inspector…..Chevy Chase
Don Pardo: Stuck in the city this winter? Yet youre pining for far-off adventure and exotic new friends? Well, now your dreams are answered![drum roll and dramatic horn fanfare]
Pardo: Yes, its Don Pardos Holiday in an Elevator! Around the world in eighty floors! Where every landing is another land![FADE to a nondescript elevator lobby and SUPERIMPOSE the caption DON PARDOS HOLIDAY IN AN ELEVATOR trimmed by vines. The horns segue into majestic strings. A moment later, Garrett Morris walks in with a brown suitcase in his hand. He presses the button, and the doors open instantly. Garrett steps inside.]
Traveler: [to elevator boy] Sweden, please!
Pardo: Yes! Well take you on a globe-girdling experience, up and down the world, and you wont even have to leave town![The woman waves goodbye and tingles with excitement while the couple steps into the elevator and the doors close. CUT to the couple and the elevator boy inside.]
Pardo: Up the world you go! Proud, friendly natives await you on every floor! The doors open out on fabled Canada, our neighbor to the north![Elevator doors open to show Dudley Moore wearing a parka and a fedora in front of a still projection of a snow-covered mountain forest.]
Moore: [with a cheesy grin] Howdy, folks!
Pardo: Canada has the sun on the enchanting second floor. A tame deer nibbles snow out of the palm of your hand![A fake deer head sticks out from behind the doors and nuzzles the wifes hand for a moment. SUPERIMPOSE caption, CANADA: $7.98 (FOR 10 MINUTES) as the doors close.]
Husband: Why dont we, why dont we go on up to Spain?
Pardo: Spain, you say? Jewel of the Mediterranean![Elevator doors open to show Dudley wearing a bullfighters outfit and a beret in front of a photo of tropical mountains.]
Moore: ¡Buenos dìas!
Pardo: Better hurry if you dont want to miss the traditional running of the bulls on sun-splattered nineteen![Dudley tries to stick two swords into the fake deers head, but the swords clatter to the floor, and he grins widely. SUPERIMPOSE, SPAIN: $9.98 (FOR 8 MINUTES) when doors close.]
Wife: This is great!
Husband: Yeah, this is fun!
Pardo: Or is it frozen tundra youre after?
Husband: Sure.[Doors open on Dudley dressed in a cassock hat with a fur hastily thrown over his bullfighters suit. He is standing in front of the same scene shown for Canada.]
Pardo: Communism leaps alive on panoramic forty-five, fabled Russia, land of detènte! A tame bear nibbles wheat out of the palm of your hand![A bears head nuzzles the wifes hand again. SUPERIMPOSE, RUSSIA: $5.98 (FOR 5 MINUTES) as the doors close back up.]
Husband: A bear!
Wife: This is great!
Husband: Oh, yeah, look at that paneling! [snaps photos of elevator wall]
Wife: Oh, this is fun, honey!
Pardo: Why not go native on sun-drenched Borneo?[Doors open on Moore glaring out annoyedly in the same outfit.]
Moore: No way, no way![A fake sheep head pokes out, and the doors close abruptly a second later. Crowd roars with laughter.]
Pardo: Okay, then on to sun, south Tahiti! Jewel of the Pacific![Doors open on Dudley in the same outfit. Standing in front of the same mountains shown for Spain, he waves a Hawaiian shirt and a grass skirt in front of him and sways back and forth.]
Pardo: With its sapphire skies and glittering beaches! A tame wild boar nibbles poi out of the palm of your hand![With two long tusks attached near its mouth, the boars head nuzzles the wifes open palm. SUPERIMPOSE, TAHITI: $2.98 (FOR 3 MINUTES), then doors close again.]
Husband: This is fun.
Wife: Great![The husband takes a couple more photos of the elevator paneling.]
Pardo: And at last, seasoned world travelers, youre ready to return home safely!
Elevator Boy: [pleasantly] Mezzanine, United States. Watch your step, please.[He opens the doors, and the couple stumbles back out into the hallway. Gilda is carrying two shopping bags with her.]
Husband: A marvelous tour which well remember as long as we live!
Wife: [in nasal voice] We especially loved India, and you can even drink the water and not get sick!
Husband: And anything can happen–we got stuck between Uruguay and Nepal for a minute![A customs inspector steps up to them.]
Inspector: Anything to declare, folks?[They look at him in shock.]
Inspector: Just kidding. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha…[The couple grin as the inspector grins and then puts on a blank look.]
Pardo: Yes, no more hassles, no jet lag, no sunburns!
Husband: And you dont even have to get vaccinated!
Wife: And you dont even have to put clothes in your luggage!
Pardo: Thats Don Pardos Holiday in an Elevator![SUPERIMPOSE, 815 E. 33RD STREET across the bottom of the screen as the husband and wife kiss.]
Pardo: Located in midtown Manhattan! Convenient to all subway and bus terminals![SUPERIMPOSE, VOID WHERE PROHIBITED BY LAW, as the couple smile happily for the camera.] [DISSOLVE to audience wide shot, zoom in on man with SUPER: “Knows Norm Crosby”] [FADE to BLACK]
Submitted by: Sean