75k: Peter Cook & Dudley Moore / Neil Sedaka

Peter Cook and Dudley Moore's Monologue

... Peter Cook
... Dudley Moore

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen, Peter Cook and Dudley Moore!

Peter Cook: Thank you!

Dudley Moore: Thank you very much.

Peter Cook: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much. Uh, if there's, uh, any confusion amongst you about which one of us is which ...

Dudley Moore: Mm.

Peter Cook: ... I think we ought to clear that up.

Dudley Moore: Certainly, yes.

Peter Cook: I'm the, uh, I'm the tall one.

Dudley Moore: Good.

Peter Cook: And I'd also like to say something about the difference between English comedy and American comedy. We, uh, we tend not to have very many sort of zappy one-liners or anything like that.

Dudley Moore: No. It's more sophisticated, you know, really. More, um... understated.

Peter Cook: Well, it's more understated, I'd say.

Dudley Moore: Mm.

Peter Cook: Very understated, very subtle.

Dudley Moore: Yes.

Peter Cook: In fact, we've been here two years performing without a laugh.

Dudley Moore: Right. Right, and in fact I - I - I would think probably very few of you realize that we - we've cracked three wonderful jokes during these last few seconds. You see?

Peter Cook: It's probably the sort of joke which will sink in about half an hour later.

Dudley Moore: Right, it'll just grow and then people'll be falling off their seats, you know.

Peter Cook: And just - just - just cracking up.

Dudley Moore: Yeah, absolutely.

Peter Cook: Anyhow, I think we should give an example of the sophisticated, understated English humor.

Dudley Moore: Why not? I'll - I'll get into some things.

[Moore walks off, a red curtain slides into view as a backdrop, Cook retreats to the curtain.]

Peter Cook: He's gonna get into some extremely sophisticated English costumes and we'll move right along with this, uh, curtain or drape as you call it. The scene is set in a producer's office. [moves a chair to center stage] By the magic of placing a chair in the middle of this place, we have conjured up a producer's office. [in character, calls out to stage right] Uh, Miss Rigby? Stella, my love? Would you send in the next auditioner, please? Thank you, my dear.

[Enter Moore, grinning broadly, wearing trench coat, hopping on one leg, the other leg -- the left one -- tucked under the coat - he hops over to Cook and shakes hands.]

Peter Cook: Nice to see you.

Dudley Moore: [still hopping up and down] Nice to see you.

Peter Cook: Settle down. [puts a hand on Moore's shoulder and stops his hopping] Uh, Mr. Spiggott, is it not?

Dudley Moore: Yes, Spiggott's the name, acting's my game.

Peter Cook: I see. Spiggott is the name and acting is your game.

Dudley Moore: Right.

Peter Cook: If you'd like to settle down for one moment, Mr. Spiggott.

Dudley Moore: Certainly, yes.

Peter Cook: Thank you very much. [Moore hops over to the chair and rests his "stump" on it] Mr. Spiggott, er, you are auditioning, are you not, for the role of Tarzan?

Dudley Moore: Yes.

Peter Cook: Uh, Mr. Spiggott, I, uh, I couldn't help noticing -- almost immediately -- that you are a one-legged man.

Dudley Moore: Oh. You noticed that?

Peter Cook: When you've been in the business as long as I have, Mr. Spiggott, you, uh, you get to notice these little things, almost instinctively.

Dudley Moore: Yeah. Sort of ESP.

Peter Cook: That kind of thing, yes.

Dudley Moore: Mm, yes.

Peter Cook: Now, Mr. Spiggott, you, a one-legged man, are applying for the role of Tarzan.

Dudley Moore: Yes, right.

Peter Cook: A role traditionally associated with a two-legged artiste.

Dudley Moore: Yes, correct, yes, yes.

Peter Cook: And yet you, a unidexter... are applying for the role.

Dudley Moore: Yes, right, yes.

Peter Cook: A role for which two legs would seem to be the minimum requirement. Well, Mr. Spiggott, need I point out to you with overmuch emphasis where your deficiency lies as regards landing the role?

Dudley Moore: Yes, I think you ought to.

Peter Cook: Perhaps I ought, yes. Need I say with, uh, too much stress that it is in the, uh, leg division that you are deficient.

Dudley Moore: The leg division?

Peter Cook: The leg division, Mr. Spiggott. You are deficient in the leg division to the tune of one. Your right leg I like. It's a lovely leg for the role. As soon as I saw it come in, I said, "Hello! What a lovely leg for the role!"

Dudley Moore: Ah!

Peter Cook: I've got nothing against your right leg.

Dudley Moore: Ah!

Peter Cook: The trouble is -- neither have you. [delayed applause] You, uh, you fall down on the left.

Dudley Moore: You mean it's inadequate?

Peter Cook: It is inadequate, Mr. Spiggott.

Dudley Moore: Mm.

Peter Cook: In my view, the public is not yet ready ...

Dudley Moore: No?

Peter Cook: ... for the sight of a one-legged Tarzan swinging through the jungly tendrils, shouting "Hello, Jane."

Dudley Moore: No. No, right.

Peter Cook: But don't despair, Mr. Spiggott. I mean, after all, you score over a man with no legs at all. By one hundred percent.

Dudley Moore: Well, I've got twice as many.

Peter Cook: You're streets ahead!

Dudley Moore: So there's still hope?

Peter Cook: Of course there is still hope, Mr. Spiggott.

Dudley Moore: Ah!

Peter Cook: I mean, if we get no two-legged character actors in here within, say, the next, oh, [checks his wristwatch] eighteen months, there is every chance that you, a unidexter, will be the very type of artiste we shall be attempting to contact with a view to jungle stardom.

Dudley Moore: [likes the sound of that] Jungle stardom.

[Moore gets off chair, shakes hands with Cook while hopping up and down.]

Peter Cook: I'm just sorry I can't be more definite at this stage.

Dudley Moore: Oh, good Lord!

Peter Cook: But you must understand ... these days. We've so much tied up in the remake of Gone With The Wind, Part Four, we can't afford...

[Applause drowns out some of Cook's parting comments to Moore who exits right, hopping and waving goodbye. The SNL band begins to play and Cook, alone on stage, does a little hopping himself to the music as we fade out.]


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