SNL Transcripts: Peter Cook & Dudley Moore: 01/24/76: The Muppets


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 11

75k: Peter Cook & Dudley Moore / Neil Sedaka

The Muppets

…..Gilda Radner

[ Gilda Radner is in front of a black screen, ready to introduce the musical guest. ]

Gilda Radner: And now…

[ Scred enters, wearing a killer-bee costume. ]

Scred: Okay, here I am! I’m ready!

Gilda Radner: Scred… what are you doing here?

Scred: Hey, where is everybody? Where’s all the bees?

Gilda Radner: Scred, there aren’t going to be any bees in this show.

Scred: Are you sure?

Gilda Radner: Yeah!

Scred: Oh… well, they told me that they were doing a sketch on The Andy Griffith Show, and that I could play Aunt Bea.

Gilda Radner: Scred… they decided not to do it. Didn’t anybody tell you?

Scred: Aww, that’s just great! That’s really great! Boy, how come nobody ever tells us Muppets anything? [ Gilda laughs lightly ] No, don’t laugh. We’re tired of being second class citizens around here.

Gilda Radner: Oh, Scred…

Scred: Don’t gimme that “Aw, Scred” stuff! I mean, how come we’re not in any of the major sketches? Really! I could do News Update. I’m capable.

Gilda Radner: Okay.

Scred: Good evening. I’m Scred. And you’re not.

[ The audience applauds. ]

Scred: I mean, y’know, toy boat, toy boat, big deal. But nooo… you know, I have to go to a lot of trouble just to get extra tickets!

Gilda Radner: Really!

Scred: Yeah! And let me tell you…

Gilda Radner: What?

Scred: My parents are sick about it.

Gilda Radner: Really? You know something, Scred, is there anything else you want to say?

Scred: Uh. Just one more thing… Can I play with your moogies?

Gilda Radner: [ She giggles and tickles him. ] No, you can’t play with my moogies! You know something, now that you’re here, there is something you can do.

Scred: Oh, yeah?

Gilda Radner: Yeah.

Scred: What?

Gilda Radner: Why don’t you introduce Neil Sedaka.

Scred: Hey, I’d love to.

Gilda Radner: Okay.

Scred: Ladies and gentlemen… Neil Sedaka.

[ Gilda kisses Scred and nuzzles with him. ]

Courtesy of: Tough Pigs Anthology

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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