SNL Transcripts: Peter Cook & Dudley Moore: 01/24/76: The Muppets

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 11

75k: Peter Cook & Dudley Moore / Neil Sedaka

The Muppets

…..Gilda Radner

[ Gilda Radner is in front of a black screen, ready to introduce the musical guest. ]

Gilda Radner: And now…

[ Scred enters, wearing a killer-bee costume. ]

Scred: Okay, here I am! I’m ready!

Gilda Radner: Scred… what are you doing here?

Scred: Hey, where is everybody? Where’s all the bees?

Gilda Radner: Scred, there aren’t going to be any bees in this show.

Scred: Are you sure?

Gilda Radner: Yeah!

Scred: Oh… well, they told me that they were doing a sketch on The Andy Griffith Show, and that I could play Aunt Bea.

Gilda Radner: Scred… they decided not to do it. Didn’t anybody tell you?

Scred: Aww, that’s just great! That’s really great! Boy, how come nobody ever tells us Muppets anything? [ Gilda laughs lightly ] No, don’t laugh. We’re tired of being second class citizens around here.

Gilda Radner: Oh, Scred…

Scred: Don’t gimme that “Aw, Scred” stuff! I mean, how come we’re not in any of the major sketches? Really! I could do News Update. I’m capable.

Gilda Radner: Okay.

Scred: Good evening. I’m Scred. And you’re not.

[ The audience applauds. ]

Scred: I mean, y’know, toy boat, toy boat, big deal. But nooo… you know, I have to go to a lot of trouble just to get extra tickets!

Gilda Radner: Really!

Scred: Yeah! And let me tell you…

Gilda Radner: What?

Scred: My parents are sick about it.

Gilda Radner: Really? You know something, Scred, is there anything else you want to say?

Scred: Uh. Just one more thing… Can I play with your moogies?

Gilda Radner: [ She giggles and tickles him. ] No, you can’t play with my moogies! You know something, now that you’re here, there is something you can do.

Scred: Oh, yeah?

Gilda Radner: Yeah.

Scred: What?

Gilda Radner: Why don’t you introduce Neil Sedaka.

Scred: Hey, I’d love to.

Gilda Radner: Okay.

Scred: Ladies and gentlemen… Neil Sedaka.

[ Gilda kisses Scred and nuzzles with him. ]

Courtesy of: Tough Pigs Anthology

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