Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 1: Episode 11
Dr. Collins ….. Dudley Moore
Dr. Kedeski ….. Tom Schiller
Dr. Barda ….. Chevy Chase
Doctor ….. Dan Aykroyd
Patient ….. Garrett Morris
Nurse ….. Anne Beatts
[ Four surgeons and a nurse are gathered around an operating table, with Dr. Barda making an incision into the shoulder of the lifeless body ]
Dr. Kedeski: It’s been seven minutes, Dr. Collins.
Dr. Collins: Gentlemen, procedure dictates that this is the moment of decision. (removes his surgical mask, the other doctors following suit) It is Dr. Kedeski’s and my opinion that the vital life functions of this patient ceased some seven minutes ago. Dr. Barda’s EEG Reading confirms it. However, before proceeding with the extraction of the heart for transplantation, I would like the opinion of the entire surgical staff. A simple show of hands will do. All those who believe the patient is legally dead, please raise your hand.
[ All the doctors and the nurse raise their hands ]
Dr. Collins: Anyone who does not?
[ Dr. Collins looks around for hands, not noticing that the patient is slowly raising his hand ]
Dr. Collins: Well, we shall proceed.
[ Oblivious of the patient’s raised hand, the surgeons go back to work on the body. As the audience applause, a shot of a bearded man in the audience is shown with the caption ABBIE HOFFMAN ]
[ Fade ]
Submitted by: Dan Pascoe