Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 1: Episode 12
Dick Cavett School of Auto Refinishing and Upholstery
Dick Cavett: [in an office, sits on edge of desk andaddresses camera] Hi, I’m Dick Cavett. You know, for along time I made my living as a broadcaster and TVpersonality. Sure, it was good but now I know wherethe real money is: auto refinishing and upholstery.The big three car makers turn out millions of unitsper year but many don’t have the opera windows andlouvered vinyl roofs that American car buyers aredemanding. That’s where you come in with your diplomafrom any one of the three hundred Dick Cavett-approvedschools of auto refinishing and upholstery. [Dissolvebriefly to a doctored photo of a mechanic working on acar, with Cavett’s head pasted to his body.] With theproper skills and tools, you can make steady cashcustomizing and restyling sedans, vans and coupes madesince 1960. So, enroll now and you’ll receiveabsolutely free my three hundred page booklet MentalEquilibrium and Vinyl Spray Technique.
Don Pardo: That’s the Dick Cavett School of AutoRefinishing and Upholstery, Box 39, Long Island City,New York.
Dick Cavett: Remember — [sings] Opera windows justdon’t have it/Unless they’re made by Cavett — Mmmm.[dissolve to audience member with SUPER: “Says He “Never Saw” Deep Throat” ]