SNL Transcripts: Dick Cavett: 01/31/76: Looks at Books


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 12

75l: Dick Cavett / Jimmy Cliff

Looks at Books

…..Chevy Chase
…..Dick Cavett

[ title card ] [ dissolve to set ]

Chevy Chase: Good evening, and welcome, once again, to “Looks at Books”. Tonight, our guest is Dick “The Stick” Cavett, author of Nebraska Pimp, a look at the secret world of the midwestern man of leisure. Dick, welcome.

Dick Cavett: Uh, thank you, Mr. Chevy, and… and… [ rubbing his pants leg ]

Chevy Chase: It’s gonna be fine.

Dick Cavett: It’s very fine to be here.

Chevy Chase: Maybe we should begin by describing — in layman’s terms — uh, what, uh — well, what exactly is a pimp?

Dick Cavett: Well, uh, Chevy, let me just say that, uh… well, men want females to accept their companionship, and I can provide that. So, therefore, me.

Chevy Chase: Oh! So, then, the Nebraska Pimp in the book is you, and not some other Nebraska Pimp?

Dick Cavett: Uh, yeah. Uh, in fact, there’s only one other pimp in the whole state. Uh, my turf covers the whole eastern half of Nebraska.

Chevy Chase: I guess that would give you a lot of territory, huh?

Dick Cavett: Mmm, about 15,000 square miles, that’s correct.

Chevy Chase: Which, according to your book, you cruise in your pimpmobile, is that correct?

Dick Cavett: That is exactly correct. Yes, I have a ’73 Impala with customized light guards, yes.

Chevy Chase: I see.

Dick Cavett: Mmm-hmm. Now, my base of operations, however, is still my hometown — that’s Grand Allen, Nebraska.

Chevy Chase: Well, now, Dick ,how exactly did you becoma a… pimp?

Dick Cavett: Well, that’s an interesting story. Can I take my hat off a little bit?

Chevy Chase: Please do.

Dick Cavett: It’s very hot in here. – he removes his hat ] It’s a lovely thing here.

Chevy Chase: It’s very nice.

Dick Cavett: I got that at Chateau Pimp, here in New York.

Chevy Chase: Ah, yes!

Dick Cavett: Uh — well. How did I get started? I was sixteen, and I was, uh, you know, “messing around” with my girlfriend, Mary Lou Difanisan, in the back seat of her old De Sota. And, uh, I said, you know, “I have a brilliant idea.” I said to myself, “Why, there’s guys who would pay good money for what I’m doing right now.”

Chevy Chase: [ he chuckles heartily ] Well… you know, Dick, if I were in Grand Allen and wanted to have a good time, uh, where do you think I might go?

Dick Cavett: Well, there’s the bowling alley, and, uh… and, uh…

Chevy Chase: No, no…

Dick Cavett: …there’s that “Billy Jack” movie at the Capitol Theater…

Chevy Chase: I’m sorry. I mean, if I wanted to get some… some action.

Dick Cavett: Some “action”?

Chevy Chase: You know — if I wanted to “mess around”.

Dick Cavett: Oh! With Mary Lou? [ he chuckles ]

Chevy Chase: Oh. You mean, you only have one girl?

Dick Cavett: Y-yeeah. But Mary Lou’s pretty, uh… I think they say “far out”. She don’t wear a bra!

[ they both laugh ]

Chevy Chase: Well, w-w-where would I find you to set this up?

Dick Cavett: Well, uh… I work out of Mel’s Mr. Donut. And, uh, you’d have to meet me there, but, uh… you’d have to wait for me to close up, of course.

Chevy Chase: I see.

Dick Cavett: And then, you’d just go out… and I’d drive you to a point just outside of town…

Chevy Chase: This would be, uh, where Mary Lou lives, then?

Dick Cavett: No, not exactly. See, she meets us in her old De Sota, and, uh… you get out of my car, join Mary Lou in the back seat of her car, and then I sit by and I blink the lights in my car if the cops come. [ he laughs ] It’s like that, it’s easy.

Chevy Chase: H-h-h-how much cash would I-I drop for these services, Dick?

Dick Cavett: Well, that depends on whether you want a, you know, a adventure to first, second, or third base — uh, whatever it is.

Chevy Chase: Well, what about… home plate? [ he laughs ]

Dick Cavett: You do that, I’ll bust you right in the mouth! My Mary Lou don’t mess — she just “messes around”, she don’t go to first, second, third — none of that fancy city stuff!

Chevy Chase: Wait, wait, wait! I think I’m beginning to understand. When you say “messing around”… you actually mean… just messing around? I mean, uh — that’s all you mean! I mean, don’t a lot of guys get angry when they find this out?

Dick Cavett: Well, only the ones from out of town.

Chevy Chase: Dick, now I-I-I can’t imagine you make much… you make much money doing this…

Dick Cavett: Well, that’s why I tried to supplement my income by coming on your show and trying to sell that book. [ acknowleding the audience ] And these people have been awful nice — they haven’t laughed at us or anything.

[ the audience laughs at this ]

Chevy Chase: Well, now, Mr. Cavett, uh… if you write as well as you pimp… [ he laughs, losing his thought ]

Dick Cavett: [ equally amused ] If I write as well as I pimp?

Chevy Chase: If you write as well as you pimp… I’m sure we’ll be seeing a lot less of you!

Dick Cavett: Thank you, I suppose.

Chevy Chase: Thank you.

Dick Cavett: Well, I’m very happy, and I’m sorry I got upset there earlier.

Chevy Chase: Oh, that’s all right. I love the shoes, too.

Dick Cavett: Well, that’s right there yours.

Chevy Chase: [ to the audience ] Be sure to join us next week, when we take a look at a book about Jewish farmers. Good night.

[ dissolve to title card ] [ dissolve to audience, zoom in on woman with SUPER: “Doesn’t Understand Young People Today” ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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