Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 1: Episode 12
Dance to the Nation
Betty Ford…..Jane Curtin
[ open on apron of Home Base, with title card on screen, a flautist and pianist on either side ]
Announcer: Time, once again, for “Dance to the Nation”, the dance/advice show starring the First Lady herself. And now, here’s Betty![ Betty Ford runs onstage in leotards and waving a silk scarf as she dances ]
Announcer: Our first letter is from a Mrs. Arnold Wilson of South Philadelphia. Mrs. Wilson writes: “Dear Betty: My son, Arnold, Jr., is always tired and can’t seem to do his homework. Also, his room is usually full of different expensive stereo systems and TV sets, he claims he is just “keeping for a friend.” Do you think he’s smoking marijuana, Betty?”[ Betty stops dancing ]
Betty Ford: Well, I wouldn’t be surprised! Times have changed, you know, and young people have changed with them. [ she does a spin ] Even as we stand still! Leave him alone, and chances are he’ll grow out of it. Now that my son Jack has realized pot isn’t for him, we’re closer than ever. Why, just the other night, I found myself in the White House kitchen at two o’clock in the morning, baking chocolate chip cookies because Jack said he had a case of the “Munchies”! Isn’t that cute!
Announcer: [ chuckling ] Mrs. Eileen Crosby of Garden City, New Mexico writes: “Dear First Lady Betty: I recently discovered that my daughter’s roommate is a married man, and that the college she has been attending for three years is a school for topless croupiers. What would you do if you were in my shoes, Betty?”[ Betty stops dancing ]
Betty Ford: Well, I wouldn’t be surprised! And yet, perhaps you have misunderstood the situation. I know I was concerned after calling Susan late at night and not getting any answer. But she explained my fears away when she told me about the long showers she likes to take at three or four in the morning! And now we’re closer than ever![ Betty continues her dance ]
Announcer: Our next letter is from a Mrs. Janice Hirsch of New York City. She writes: “Dear Betty: My husband, despite his high office, is an inept man. I have tried for years to pretend otherwise, but now he’s embarrassed me in public once too often. I have to face the facts, Betty, that I am married to a turkey. What would you say if a woman you knew personally were in this situation?”[ Betty stops dancing and stares blankly]
Announcer: Betty?[ Betty awkwardly begins dancing once more, still staring blankly ]
Announcer: Betty, the question? Do you care to answer the question, Betty?
Betty Ford: [ glancing offstage ] What’s that, Susan? He’s got his toes stuck in the tub again? Oh, it’s stuck in the sink. I’ll be right there!
Announcer: Betty, what is your answer to the question? Betty?[ Betty rushes offstage ]
Announcer: Uh… we’ll be back next week for “Dance to the Nation”.[ fade ]