SNL Transcripts: Dick Cavett: 01/31/76: The Dick Cavett School of Hydroplane Operation


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 12

75l: Dick Cavett / Jimmy Cliff

The Dick Cavett School of Hydroplane Operation

…Dick Cavett

[open on office, Dick is sitting on the desk]

Dick Cavett: [on intercom] Uh, tell them I’ll only be a moment, Miss Carson. [acknowledges camera] Oh, hello, I’m Dick Cavett, and youknow, America has over 104 billion square feet of swamplands andeverglads. Much of it is uncivilized; all of it is wet. That’s whythe trained hydroplane operator has a solid employment future. Today,the best courses in hydroplane and hovercraft operation are beingoffered by the Dick Cavett School of Hydroplane Operation. [dissolvebriefly to doctored photo of a man driving a boat with an older femalepassenger. Dick’s head is crudely pasted onto the boat driver’s head] In three short weeks you will learn all the skills of this excitingfield at our 58 acre training swamp near Beaumont, Texas, or you cankeep your present job and learn at home. Call this toll-free numbernow [“311-555-7878” flashes on screen for a few seconds],311-555-7878, and we’ll send you my informative booklet, The AmericanPresidency and Hovercraft Speed Tuning.

Remember, when you take the stick, take it from Dick.

[applause and laughter: dissolve to audience shot; the camera zooms ona young woman wearing a hat and glasses. SUPER: “NOT WEARING PANTS”].

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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