Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 1: Episode 12
The Dick Cavett School of Hydroplane Operation
[open on office, Dick is sitting on the desk]
Dick Cavett: [on intercom] Uh, tell them I’ll only be a moment, Miss Carson. [acknowledges camera] Oh, hello, I’m Dick Cavett, and youknow, America has over 104 billion square feet of swamplands andeverglads. Much of it is uncivilized; all of it is wet. That’s whythe trained hydroplane operator has a solid employment future. Today,the best courses in hydroplane and hovercraft operation are beingoffered by the Dick Cavett School of Hydroplane Operation. [dissolvebriefly to doctored photo of a man driving a boat with an older femalepassenger. Dick’s head is crudely pasted onto the boat driver’s head] In three short weeks you will learn all the skills of this excitingfield at our 58 acre training swamp near Beaumont, Texas, or you cankeep your present job and learn at home. Call this toll-free numbernow [“311-555-7878” flashes on screen for a few seconds],311-555-7878, and we’ll send you my informative booklet, The AmericanPresidency and Hovercraft Speed Tuning.
Remember, when you take the stick, take it from Dick.[applause and laughter: dissolve to audience shot; the camera zooms ona young woman wearing a hat and glasses. SUPER: “NOT WEARING PANTS”].