SNL Transcripts: Peter Boyle: 02/14/76

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 13


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February 14th, 1976

Peter Boyle

Al Jarreau

The Shapiro Sisters

None

Anne Beatts

Neil Levy

Alan Zweibel St. Valentine’s Day MassacreSummary: As couples dine at a Chicago restaurant on Valentine’s Day, 1929, a patron named Roger (Dan Aykroyd) asks Jimmy the waiter (Chevy Chase) to move his car into the garage from the snow. After Jimmy steps outside, a round of gunfire is heard, and Jimmy tumbles back into the restaurant filled with bullet holes and enough energy to open the show.

Recurring Characters: Steve Bushakis.

Transcript

Montage

Peter Boyle’s MonologueSummary: Just seconds after the stage has been cleared of the cold opening sketch, Peter Boyle walks out and tells the audience about his new girlfriend, Lorraine, who’s sitting among them. Because it’s Valentine’s Day, he sings the Rogers & Hart classic, “My Funny Valentine”, just for her, unaware that she’s making out with another man in the audience.

Bio: Perhaps best known as the misunderstood monster in “Young Frankenstein” and the cranky grandpa on “Everybody Loves Raymond”, Peter Boyle (1935-2006), a former monk in the Christian Brothers order, is no stranger to live theatre. Early in his career, he performed in a tour of “The Odd Couple” and onstage as part of Chicago’s Second City troupe. A week prior to his SNL hosting, Boyle showed up on the big screen as The Wizard in “Taxi Driver.” He’s been married to Lorraine since 1977.

Transcript

Ambassador Training InstituteSummary: A commercial spokesman (Andrew Duncan) explains how you can apply to become a U.S. ambassador for a foreign country, aptly mixing work with play.

Note: Repeat from 75d.

Samurai Divorce CourtSummary: Mr. (John Belushi) and Mrs. Futaba (Jane Curtin) are getting divorced, so their divorce lawyer (Peter Boyle) calls them together to divide their assets. The task is simple at first, but soon the disparity prevails and they begin to split everything down the middle with Futaba’s samurai sword. There’s still the matter of declaring custody of their young daughter, Bingo (Jenny Shapiro), but is it better to split her across the waist or down the middle?

Recurring Characters: Futaba.

Transcript

The Shapiro Sisters lip-sync “This Will Be”Summary: Peter Boyle introduces The Shapiro Sisters, a child trio who dance and lip-synch the Natalie Cole song “This Will Be.”

Bio: Sisters Helena, Emily and Jenny are the daughters of Ken Shapiro, who produced, directed, wrote and acted in New York’s East Village Channel One Video Theater for five years, starting in 1967. The crew of Channel One later released “The Groove Tube” in theaters in 1974. Chevy Chase was a writer and actor for both productions.

New DadSummary: The typical family home is made up of Mom (Jacqueline Carlin), Dad (Dan Aykroyd) and the children. But if Dad suddenly dies, the family’s emotional loss is covered by New Dad (Chevy Chase).

Note: Repeat from 75a.

Jason & Chloe’s SideshowSummary: Stoners Jason (Dan Aykroyd) and Chloe (Laraine Newman) are visited by their neighbor Bob (Peter Boyle), who keeps mistakenly receiving suspicious packages addressed for them. They invite him inside to watch weird slides from their recent trip.

Recurring Characters: Jason, Chloe.

Note: In future appearances, Chloe also goes by the name Sunshine.

Transcript

Al Jarreau performs “We Got By”Bio: Al Jarreau (1940-) is the only vocalist to win Grammys in three different categories – jazz, pop, and R&B. 80’s television viewers will recognize his voice from the “Moonlighting” soundtrack.

Lyrics

The CorridaSummary: Ricardo Montalban (Dan Aykroyd) speaks highly of the new Corrida automobile, which he finds satisfactory in spite of its poor assembly.

Recurring Characters: Ricardo Montalban.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Chevy ChaseSummary: Chevy Chase narrates Patty Hearst trial testimony over images of art masterpieces. Garrett Morris reports on the Winter Olympics from Innsbruck a week after they’ve ended. Back at the Blaine Hotel, Laraine Newman reports from outside a snuff director’s room. In an editorial reply, Emily Litella is against donating money for canker research.

Recurring Characters: Emily Litella.

Transcript

K-Put Price-Is-Rite Stamp GunSummary: Save thousands of dollars on groceries with this new device, which allows you to change the prices at the supermarket.

Note: Repeat from 11/15/75.

All-Pro WrestlingSummary: An exciting tag team wrestling match between Bees (John Belushi, Peter Belushi) and WASPs (Chevy Chase, Gilda Radner).

Recurring Characters: Bees.

Transcript

Remembrance of Things PastSummary: Jane Curtin intrviews a disguised Richard Nixon (Dan Aykroyd), going by the alias of Mr. X, about his recent activities.

Recurring Characters: Richard Nixon.

Transcript

The Pledge of AllegianceSummary: This week’s Gary Weis film shows schoolchildren reciting the Pledge of Allegiance. The last line, “With liberty, and justice for all,” cuts to a delivery by Rubin Carter (Garrett Morris).

Duelling BrandosSummary: As the banjo music from “Deliverance” plays, Peter Boyle and John Belushi, dressed in “Wild One” garb, one-up one another with lines from Marlon Brando films.

Transcript

Household OrgySummary: When a husband (Peter Boyle) comes home early, he discovers various men hidden among his household appliances. His wife (Jane Curtin) convinces him they aren’t suspicious men, but, rather, new household products designed to run his home more efficiently.

Transcript

“A Home Movie”Summary: Filmed by viewer Howard Grunwald, this week’s home movie is literally video footage of the outside of a house. Afterwards, Gilda Radner asks Don Pardo to tell other home viewers where to send their home movies for inclusion on SNL.

Garrett’s ValentineSummary: Garrett Morris gives Gilda Radner a raunchy Valentine’s Day card.

Transcript

Al Jarreau performs “Somebody’s Watching You”Lyrics

SpeedSummary: When a housewife (Anne Beatts) uses the Speed diet pill, she’s able to get a lot of work done in a short amount of time.

Note: Repeat from 75f.

“Homeward Bound”Summary: Gary Weis’ film shows holiday travelers reuniting with their families at the airport, to to the sound of the Simon & Garfunkel classic “Homeward Bound.”

Note: Repeat from 75h.

GoodnightsTranscript

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