Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 1: Episode 13
Johnny Pantaloop…..Dan Aykroyd
Bee #1…..John Belushi
Bee #2…..Peter Boyle
John Brewster…..Chevy Chase
Pat Brewster…..Gilda Radner
Announcer: [ over title card ] And now, from the National Wrestling Super Dome, it’s the thrills and excitement of All-Pro Wrestling. And now into the ring with your commentator — Johnny Pantaloop.
[ dissolve to the ringside action, as the bell rings ]
Johnny Pantaloop: Alright, ladies and gentlemen! Up first on the card tonight, our featured tag-team bout! In first, from Giant Rock, California, and with a collective weight of 560 pounds — the championship tag team of The Bees!
[ a pair of Bees climb into the ring and strut for the crowd ]
Johnny Pantaloop V/O: And, the opponents are from Applecrest Gardens, Connecticut, with a collective weight of 280 pounds — the tag team of John and Pat Brewster, the WASPs!
[ the preppy WASP couple climb into the ring and smile at the crowd ]
And, ladies and gentlemen, your referee tonight will be Frank ??
[ the bell rings, as the Referee steps between the two teams ]
Referee: Alright, fellas! It’ll be a 15-minute bout — uh, three pins or five throws! No dodging, no kicking below the belt! Now, go into your corners and come out wrestling!
[ John Brewster points to Bee #1’s swinging antenna ]
Referee: Yeah, I better take this off for you — you’ll poke somebody’s eye out! [ he pulls off the Bee’s antenna ]
Johnny Pantaloop V/O: Of course, uh, they’re removing their antenna here tonight, ’cause they are very dangerous! The Bees are a very angry team! They’ve got prowess, they’ve got stamina. Uh, of course, the WASPs are very, very clever, and they’re gonna try all they can.
[ John Brewster struts about the ring a moment, then he and Bee #1 bounce back and forth between the ropes before Bee #1 lands Brewster in a chokehold ]
John Brewster: Hold it, hold it! [ he extends his hand for a shake ] I’m terribly sorry, I don’t believe we’ve met! I’m John Brewster. [ they shake hands ] Say, you know my wife and I have a TERRIFIC country place in the Hamptons, where our daughter is making her debut this weekend, and, well, we thought we might send the station wagon around for you at the airport. You can join the twins and I in the yacht. Perhaps you and your partner and I could —
[ catching the Bee off guard, Brewster twists his arm round, swings the Bee onto his back, then pounces on top of him ]
Johnny Pantaloop V/O: Well, as you can see the WASPs are very, very clever, and they’re sparing none of their tactics here today as the Bees go for an early tag!
[ Bee #2 climbs into the rings, pulls Brewster off of his buddy and throws him down into the mat ]
John Brewster: Hey! I don’t believe you met my wife Pat! Come over here, Pat!
[ John tags Pat, as they swap places ]
Pat Brewster: [ extending her hand ] How do you do! It’s SO pleasurable to meet you —
[ having none of it, Bee #2 grabs Pat and swings her around the ring ]
Pat Brewster: Put me down! Put me down! [ Bee #2 puts her down ] You know, dear — our daughter, Britt, has been taking French lessons, and we were thinking about giving her a private tutor! John and I are thinking it might be time to have her —
[ Pat grabs Bee #2 by the neck and throws him down into the mat ]
Johnny Pantaloop V/O: And a GREAT tactic there! A body slam and he falls right onto the mat! And the Bees are going for a tag!
[ the Bees swap places ]
Pat Brewster: Uh, you know, our other daughter — we were thinking of sending her to Switzerland, but we were — have you ever been to Bridgeport?
[ having none of it, Bee #1 thrusts Pat’s head between the ropes, puts the twist on her and begins to pound her face ]
Pat Brewster: No! We’re making a pot of red chili! We’d love to have you over for lunch!
[ without tagging her, John jumps into the ring and grabs Bee#1 from behind; likewise, Bee #2 jumps in to help his partner ]
Johnny Pantaloop V/O: Now, wait a minute! We have an illegal situation here, ladies gentlemen! We have a definite illegality here! BOTH teams are in the ring! There was no — there was NO tag here, absolutely no tag at all! There’s excitement here! There’s physical action! I don’t know whether the judges can disqualify this! There’s a lot of physical action here, a lot of excitement! It’s one of the GREATEST wrestling events I’ve ever seen, personally! I don’t know what the outcome will be! WHAT can they POSSIBLY do to finish this?! I don’t know, do they DARE do it?!
[ suddenly, a cow drops into the ring ]
Johnny Pantaloop V/O: YES! They’ve done it! They’ve DROPPED THE COW, ladies and gentlemen! They have DROPPED THE COW! They dropped the cow into the ring! The round — and the sketch — are OVERRRRR!!
[ pull into wide shot, with SUPER: “Coming Up Next… How Dentists Brush Their Teeth” ]
[ fade ]