SNL Transcripts: Peter Boyle: 02/14/76: Garrett’s Valentine

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 13

75m: Peter Boyle / Al Jarreau

Garrett’s Valentine

…..Garrett Morris
…..Gilda Radner

[ Garret runs on stage to join Gilda Radner. He carries a large white card. ]

Garrett Morris: Uh, Gilda, uh —

Gilda Radner: Hi, Garrett!

Garrett Morris: Yeah. I thought I might as well give you this now, since it’s Valentine’s Day. It’s, uh —

Gilda Radner: A valentine’s for me?

Garrett Morris: Yeah.

Gilda Radner: Oh, Garrett! I feel terrible! I didn’t send you a valentine’s.

Garrett Morris: Oh, that’s alright. Some people don’t send cards, you know?

Gilda Radner: No. I do send cards, I – just didn’t send you one.

Garrett Morris: Oh, well, you know – you’re only human. It’s just an oversight, I can understand that, you know —

Gilda Radner: No, it wasn’t an oversight. I-I didn’t want to send you one, because I — Knowing you, I figured you’d get the wrong idea, you know? I mean, when I send valentine’s to men, uh.. I mean it as friendship. But, you know – you..

Garrett Morris: [ slightly taken aback ] Gil-daaa! You — Gilda, I’m capable of a platonic relationship! I mean, friendship – that’s what I’m talking about, you know? Oh, I’m hurt, Gilda.

Gilda Radner: [ rests her hand on his shoulder ] Oh, I’m sorry, Garrett —

Garrett Morris: [ opens the card ] Here, read the card. Come on, read the card! I wrote a poem on here, and everything.

Gilda Radner: For me, you did this?

Garrett Morris: Yeah! Right here.

Gilda Radner: No, you read it to me, Garrett. It’s beautiful. Read it to me.

Garrett Morris: Okay, okay, alright.. [ reads ] “To Gilda, on Valentine’s Day. I give this card to thee / To let you know how much you mean to me.”

Gilda Radner: Oh, that’s beautiful, Garrett.

Garrett Morris: “To me, you’re a rose, so lovely in bloom / I’d like to molest you, upstairs in my room.”

Gilda Radner: [ offended ] Garrett —

Garrett Morris: “You’ll be my slave, and bow to my whims / As I rub creams and jellies all over your limbs.”

Gilda Radner: Garrett, I think that —

Garrett Morris: “I’ll show you fine lovin’, on that you can depend / You’ll be begging for mercy, that’s how I treat a friend.”

Gilda Radner: Garrett, that’s really beautiful.

Garrett Morris: Yeah, I just wanted to set you straight, you know? Okay? Happy Valentine’s Day!

Gilda Radner: Okay, Happy Valentine’s Day.

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