SNL Transcripts: Peter Boyle: 02/14/76: Garrett’s Valentine


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 13

75m: Peter Boyle / Al Jarreau

Garrett’s Valentine

…..Garrett Morris
…..Gilda Radner

[ Garret runs on stage to join Gilda Radner. He carries a large white card. ]

Garrett Morris: Uh, Gilda, uh —

Gilda Radner: Hi, Garrett!

Garrett Morris: Yeah. I thought I might as well give you this now, since it’s Valentine’s Day. It’s, uh —

Gilda Radner: A valentine’s for me?

Garrett Morris: Yeah.

Gilda Radner: Oh, Garrett! I feel terrible! I didn’t send you a valentine’s.

Garrett Morris: Oh, that’s alright. Some people don’t send cards, you know?

Gilda Radner: No. I do send cards, I – just didn’t send you one.

Garrett Morris: Oh, well, you know – you’re only human. It’s just an oversight, I can understand that, you know —

Gilda Radner: No, it wasn’t an oversight. I-I didn’t want to send you one, because I — Knowing you, I figured you’d get the wrong idea, you know? I mean, when I send valentine’s to men, uh.. I mean it as friendship. But, you know – you..

Garrett Morris: [ slightly taken aback ] Gil-daaa! You — Gilda, I’m capable of a platonic relationship! I mean, friendship – that’s what I’m talking about, you know? Oh, I’m hurt, Gilda.

Gilda Radner: [ rests her hand on his shoulder ] Oh, I’m sorry, Garrett —

Garrett Morris: [ opens the card ] Here, read the card. Come on, read the card! I wrote a poem on here, and everything.

Gilda Radner: For me, you did this?

Garrett Morris: Yeah! Right here.

Gilda Radner: No, you read it to me, Garrett. It’s beautiful. Read it to me.

Garrett Morris: Okay, okay, alright.. [ reads ] “To Gilda, on Valentine’s Day. I give this card to thee / To let you know how much you mean to me.”

Gilda Radner: Oh, that’s beautiful, Garrett.

Garrett Morris: “To me, you’re a rose, so lovely in bloom / I’d like to molest you, upstairs in my room.”

Gilda Radner: [ offended ] Garrett —

Garrett Morris: “You’ll be my slave, and bow to my whims / As I rub creams and jellies all over your limbs.”

Gilda Radner: Garrett, I think that —

Garrett Morris: “I’ll show you fine lovin’, on that you can depend / You’ll be begging for mercy, that’s how I treat a friend.”

Gilda Radner: Garrett, that’s really beautiful.

Garrett Morris: Yeah, I just wanted to set you straight, you know? Okay? Happy Valentine’s Day!

Gilda Radner: Okay, Happy Valentine’s Day.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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