Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 1: Episode 13
Peter Boyle’s Monologue
…..Peter Boyle
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Peter Boyle.
[ Boyle enters down the same stairs of the basement stage just used in the cold opening, which is still slightly littered. Boyle, who has a few small pieces of confetti clinging to his green sweater, approaches a stool and picks up the microphone resting on it ]
Peter Boyle: It wouldn’t be New York without a little garbage on the stage, right? Right. It’s terrific to be here. It’s terrific to be here – to be here, live. Uh.. I usually do movies, which are a very different kind of thing, and, uh.. when I was a kid, my father did television, I grew up in live TV, so it’s — wow.
It’s really incredible. I thought about doing a monologue, you know? It’s sort of a tradition, but..
[ Paul Shaffer passes in the background, and sits at a piano in the far right corner of the stage, and begins to tickle the ivories ]
Peter Boyle: Today is.. is Valentine’s Day. And that’s the day that means love, and romance, and, uh.. I’ve been working in show biz for a long time. Sometimes it can be a little glamorous; other times it can be, frankly, very lonely and very hard, and a little cold and empty. And, uh.. something wonderful happened to me. I met someone incredible, and.. I love her.. and she loves me. And, uh.. there’s a lot of giving, a lot of taking, a lot of sharing, and.. we’re on the same path together in life, we go through the ups and downs. I know this sounds a little sentimental, it’s just the most wonderful thing in the world. And, uh, she’s sitting right here. She’s sitting up there, I think I see her. Lorraine?
[ cut to Lorraine, Boyle’s real-life girlfriend and future wife, sitting among the applauding audience ]
Peter Boyle V/O: Hi. Hi, honey. I love you.
[ cut back to Boyle on the stage ]
Peter Boyle: So, since she’s there, and I’m here, and we’re all here, and it’s a day of love and warmth, I’d – I’d like to sing this song to her:
“My funny valentiiiine
Sweet comic valentiiiine
You make me smiiile with my heart.”
[ the man sitting next to Lorraine in the audience suddenly puts his arm around her. She appears surprised, but doesn’t budge ]
Peter Boyle:
“Your looks are laughable, unphotographable
Yet you’re my faaaaavorite work of art.”
[ the man sitting next to Lorraine begins to kiss her. She resists at first, but quickly gives in. ]
Peter Boyle:
“Is your figure less than greek?
Is your mouth a little weak?
When you open it to speak, are you smaaaaaaaart?”
[ the man sitting next to Lorraine is now furiously making out with her, as he climbs onto her seat to the amusement of another man sitting in the same row ]
Peter Boyle:
“But don’t change a hair for me
Not if you care for me
Stay, little valentiiine, staayyyyyyy.”
[ the man and Lorraine stand together and rush to exit the studio for a tryst away from Boyle ]
Peter Boyle:
“Each day is Valentine’s Dayyyyyyyyy.”
I love you, honey. I really do.
[ Lorraine’s seat is empty, as is the man’s seat next to her ]
Peter Boyle: Thank you! Thank you.
[ the audience applauds, as the camera zomms out and fades to black ]
