SNL Transcripts: Peter Boyle: 02/14/76: Peter Boyle’s Monologue


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 13

75m: Peter Boyle / Al Jarreau

Peter Boyle’s Monologue

…..Peter Boyle

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Peter Boyle.

[ Boyle enters down the same stairs of the basement stage just used in the cold opening, which is still slightly littered. Boyle, who has a few small pieces of confetti clinging to his green sweater, approaches a stool and picks up the microphone resting on it ]

Peter Boyle: It wouldn’t be New York without a little garbage on the stage, right? Right. It’s terrific to be here. It’s terrific to be here – to be here, live. Uh.. I usually do movies, which are a very different kind of thing, and, uh.. when I was a kid, my father did television, I grew up in live TV, so it’s — wow.

It’s really incredible. I thought about doing a monologue, you know? It’s sort of a tradition, but..

[ Paul Shaffer passes in the background, and sits at a piano in the far right corner of the stage, and begins to tickle the ivories ]

Peter Boyle: Today is.. is Valentine’s Day. And that’s the day that means love, and romance, and, uh.. I’ve been working in show biz for a long time. Sometimes it can be a little glamorous; other times it can be, frankly, very lonely and very hard, and a little cold and empty. And, uh.. something wonderful happened to me. I met someone incredible, and.. I love her.. and she loves me. And, uh.. there’s a lot of giving, a lot of taking, a lot of sharing, and.. we’re on the same path together in life, we go through the ups and downs. I know this sounds a little sentimental, it’s just the most wonderful thing in the world. And, uh, she’s sitting right here. She’s sitting up there, I think I see her. Lorraine?

[ cut to Lorraine, Boyle’s real-life girlfriend and future wife, sitting among the applauding audience ]

Peter Boyle V/O: Hi. Hi, honey. I love you.

[ cut back to Boyle on the stage ]

Peter Boyle: So, since she’s there, and I’m here, and we’re all here, and it’s a day of love and warmth, I’d – I’d like to sing this song to her:

“My funny valentiiiine
Sweet comic valentiiiine
You make me smiiile with my heart.”

[ the man sitting next to Lorraine in the audience suddenly puts his arm around her. She appears surprised, but doesn’t budge ]

Peter Boyle:
“Your looks are laughable, unphotographable
Yet you’re my faaaaavorite work of art.”

[ the man sitting next to Lorraine begins to kiss her. She resists at first, but quickly gives in. ]

Peter Boyle:
“Is your figure less than greek?
Is your mouth a little weak?
When you open it to speak, are you smaaaaaaaart?”

[ the man sitting next to Lorraine is now furiously making out with her, as he climbs onto her seat to the amusement of another man sitting in the same row ]

Peter Boyle:
“But don’t change a hair for me
Not if you care for me
Stay, little valentiiine, staayyyyyyy.”

[ the man and Lorraine stand together and rush to exit the studio for a tryst away from Boyle ]

Peter Boyle:
“Each day is Valentine’s Dayyyyyyyyy.”

I love you, honey. I really do.

[ Lorraine’s seat is empty, as is the man’s seat next to her ]

Peter Boyle: Thank you! Thank you.

[ the audience applauds, as the camera zomms out and fades to black ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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