Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 1: Episode 13
Remembrances of Things Past
…..Jane Curtin
Mr. X…..Dan Aykroyd
[ open on title card ]
[ dissolve to Jane Curtin on talk show set ]
Jane Curtin: Good evening, and welcome. We’re proud to present an historic moment tonight. with us is an distinguished ex-statesman. And because of previous network and legal agreements, we’re forced to withhold his true identity. Welcome to our show — Mr. X.
[ reveal Mr. X, wearing a rubber face mask ]
Mr. X: [ obviously Richard Nixon in a poor disguise ] I’m, uh — I’m very happy to be hear tonight.
Jane Curtin: I understand you have a very important message for us.
Mr. X: Uhh — well, as everyone knows… I’ve had a lot of time to reflect, uh, to take long walks on the beach. Ohhhh — I let my hair grow, for a bit. Read some Herman Hesse.
Jane Curtin: And, tell me, where did all this introspection take you?
Mr. X: Oh, well, one afternoon, I… I looked down at the sand under my feet, and I realized that each grain has its moment in the sun. And then, that freedom’s just another word for “nothing left to lose.” Annnnnd… I left out a large karmic debt.
Jane Curtin: [ confused ] Uh, what?
Mr. X: My karmic debt. You know — karma. Karma! The Indian concept of every action in its lifetime produces an energy which is either positive or negative.
Jane Curtin: Would you give us an example of karma?
Mr. X: Uhhhh — well, let me say this: It’s — it’s — it’s certainly no accident that Bob Haldemann can’t grow a decent beard.
Jane Curtin: [ laughing ] I understand, though, that you have some dramatic new plans?
Mr. X: Uhhhh, yes, Jane. I’m, uh, I’m moving to Red China.
Jane Curtin: Red China?
Mr. X: Yes. The China of Confucius. The China of Lao Tzu. You know, the one with the wall.
Jane Curtin: Yes… Yes, I know. Uh, what exactly do you plan to do there?
Mr. X: I’m going to live the life of an ordinary monk.
Jane Curtin: So this means that you’ll cut off all ties with the past?
Mr. X: Uhhhh, no. I’ll keep my turkey ranch in Salvast. I have an interest in Donald’s Used Car Lot in Anaheim — uh, that is, that is Ronald’s Used Marina in Oxnard.
Jane Curtin: And you’ll give up everything else?
Mr. X: Yes, I’m — I’m turning San Clemente into an hashran for my surfing friends, a place where they can come and Hang Ten in peace.
Jane Curtin: That’s — that’s absolutely marvelous. You know, I’m delighted that we had this opportunity to speak.
Mr. X: My pleasure, Jane. And I’ll send peace and love to all people — Hare Krishna, Hare Lama. [ he begins to chant ]
Jane Curtin: Thank you very much! This is Jane Curtin with “Remembrances of Things Past”. We’ll be right back after this filmed message.
[ fade ]
