Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 1: Episode 13
[ open on the foyer of an interior suburban home ] [ voices of a man and woman having an affair can be heard offscreen, as her Husband enters the front door; the voices trail off as he looks about ]
Husband: Hi, honey?[ he enters the kitchen to find his wife waiting by the sink ]
Wife: Ohhhhh, hi, honey! You’re home early! What a surprise! [ she kisses him ]
Husband: What are you doing the housework for?
Wife: It’s Trixie’s day off — remember?
Husband: Oh, I thought Thursday was Trixie’s day off?
Husband: Oh say, honey, I really coulda sworn I heard a man’s voice in here.
Wife: Oh. Why, that’s IMPOSSIBLE! I’m here all by my lonesome! [ she chuckles nervously ]
Husband: Well… I guess I must have imagined it. I think I’ll have me a cold beer. [ he heads to the fridge, as his wife follows nervously ] Boy, what a day![ he opens the fridge, as music pots up and a strange man pops out holding a bottle of beer ]
Husband: Oh, who’s this?!
Janitor-in-the-Fridge: Hello! How you doing?
Wife: Why, silly, that’s no “this”! That’s new Janitor-in-the-Fridge!
Husband: Well, what’s that?!
Wife: New Janitor-in-the-Fridge makes your refrigerator self-cleaning! Keeps shelfs and drawers gleaning and odor-free, kills household germs, shines all fridge surfaces with no rubbing, no scrubbing, no rinsing, no wiping! food stays fresher longer, and so do I![ the strange man wipes the inside of the fridge with a spong as she embellishes ]
Husband: [ chuckling happily ] Hey, honey, that’s great! I, uh, guess that explains the… whatever there is to explain! Anyway — here, take that, will you, honey. [ he hands her his beer, then heads for the coat closet ] Oh, boy.[ he opens the closet, as music pots up and a second strange man pops out holding up a hanger ]
Husband: Hey, what’s THIS?! What is this?!
Wife: [ chuckling nervously ] Honey, that’s no “this”! That’s new Doorman-in-the-Closet!
Husband: [ as he removes his jacket ] What’s that?
Wife: New Doorman-in-the-Closet is the ULTIMATE closet aid! Meets and greets your clothes, takes messages for your hats, phones up to tell your galoshes your raincoat’s here! Oh, yes — new Doorman-in-the-Closet really makes your closet well hung![ the man closes the closet door ]
Husband: Hey, honey, that’s — that’s great. That’s great. [ he grabs his beer ] Oh, boy. You know what I need right now?
Husband: Do we have any more of those pretzels? Boy, I could go for a pretzel.[ he opens the pantry door, as music pots up and a mailman is revealed making out with Trixie ]
Husband: HEYYY!! WHAT’S THIS?!! Didn’t you say today was Trixie’s day off?!
Wife: [ laughing ] Silly, that’s not Trixie! That’s new Mailman-and-the-Maid!
Husband: What?! What’s that?![ the Mailman hands over his mail as Trixie prances ]
Wife: New Mailman-and-the-Maid is like two products rolled up into one! It brings your mail… and gives your floors the hardest wax shine! Fights insufficient postage and household odors! Removes stubborn, greasy grime, and brings your birthday cards! Deodorizes thank-you notes, wedding invitations, and chain letters! And returns your blender to Sender!
Husband: Uh — alright, honey. I guess it’s great — I guess it’s great. [ he closes the pantry door ] Boy. Whoo! Some day, I’ll tell ya’, what they won’t think of next! Look — I’m gonna take these pretzels and that beer, and hit the ol’ bed and look at a little TV.[ he heads off-camera into the bedroom ]
Wife: [ chasing after him ] Oh! Dear! Dear![ he keeps going, until: ]
Husband: Hey! Hey, who are you?!
Wife: [ laughing ] Honey, that’s no you! That’s new Milkman-in-the-Bedroom!
Husband: [ returning ] WELL, WHAT’S THAT?!
Wife: New Milkman-in-the-Bedroom really delivers! Fresh, cold nighttables! Delicious, nutritious bureaus! Pillows loaded with vitamins and minerals! Vanities rich in calcium, ’cause you never outgrow your need for furniture! [ she chuckles ] It’s a real life saver!
Husband: Okay, honey — that’s, uh — that’s great. Real great.[ Milkman-in-the-Bedroom slinks Wife into the bedroom, as the others slip one-by-one into the other room to join them for a wild orgy ] [ the Husband shakes his head in disbelief as the doorbell rings ] [ he opens the door to reveal a sexy woman in a silk negligee holding a martini glass and long cigarette ]
Lady-in-the-House-Next-Door: Hey! What’s this?!
Wife: It’s new Lady-in-the-House-Next-Door! Has life got you down lately? [ he nods yes ] Well, new Lady-in-the-House-Next-Door can help get you up again! It’s fast, and it’s easy![ she chews the olive from her martini and turns around to return to her house ] [ Husband follows and slams the door behin him ] [ pan out to studio wide shot, with SUPER: “Coming up Next… Don Pardo’s Secret Speech Impediment Revealed” ] [ fade ]