Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 1: Episode 13
Samurai Divorce Court
Divorce Lawyer…..Peter Boyle
Mrs. Futaba…..Jane Curtin
Divorce Lawyer: Miss Kaufman, I’m ready to review the next case. That would be Futaba vs. Futaba. Would you send them in, please?[ Futaba and Mrs. Futaba quietly enter the office, dressed in their kimonas and gripping their swords at their sides ]
Announcer: And now.. another episode from “Samurai Divorce Court.”[ title card: “Samurai Divorce Court” ]
Divorce Lawyer: Will you both be seated, please?
Divorce Lawyer: Now.. the two of you have been legally separated for one year. And, you know, it always gives me greater satisfaction to see couples who truly care for each other reunite, rather than break up.[ the Futabas grunt in silent agreement ]
Divorce Lawyer: Yeah. Yeah, I trust that the time that you’ve spent apart has given you an opportunity to, uh.. rekindle the deep affection that obviously exists between the two of you.[ with that sentiment expressed, the Futabas stand and thrust their samurai swords at one another with a piercing scream. They hold their stance for a moment, then return their swords to their sides and take their seats once again. Futaba makes sure to get the last grunt in. ]
Divorce Lawyer: You know, uh, sometimes marital difficulty is just a, a simple lack of communication.
Divorce Lawyer: [ to Mrs. Futaba ] Now, you have, uh.. charged him with mental anguish.[ Mrs. Futaba stands, extends her hands to the Divorce Lawyer, them pounds her fists against her forehead ]
Divorce Lawyer: And, you, Mr. Futaba want a divorce on the grounds of, uh..?[ Futaba slips his sword out of its case in a coital fashion and promptly slides it back in. Mrs. Futaba screams at him. ]
Divorce Lawyer: Adultery. Adultery. Adultery. Okay. Okay. Now.. I’m gonna say something: after 35 years on the bench, uh, I’ve seen many cases. I think, for the first time, I’m gonna deny this divorce. Because, I think, I don’t want to see the two of you break up.
Divorce Lawyer: But.. on the other hand, I won’t. You can have the divorce. Alright, alright.[ the Futabas return to their seats ]
Divorce Lawyer: Maybe not. Okay. Now, as far as the division of possessions goes – Mrs. Futaba, you have been awarded the car and the house. [ Mrs. Futaba nods ] While, you, sir, have been awarded the boat and Mr. Coffee machine. [ Futaba nods ] Does that suit you both?[ the Futabas grunt in agreement ]
Divorce Lawyer: Okay. Now, uh.. there are a few items that have not been appropriated yet, so, uh.. [ picks up concertina from desk ] First of all, we have this concertina, that’s, uh, worth quite a fortune because it’s being an old heirloom, and things like that. Now, uh.. have you decided who’s going to get this?
Divorce Lawyer: Oh. Very good, very good. Very well. [ tugs at a rare piece of art istting on his desk ] Now, this rare piece of art, which is, also in itself, priceless. Have you made a decision on that?[ of course, neither Futaba will give the piece of art up without a fight, either. Futaba grabs it, swings a drumstick at it twice, then splits it in half by thrusting it at his forehead. Satisfied, they each take their half of the piece of art. ]
Divorce Lawyer: Now, uh.. this breaks my heart, because, uh, life is a compromise, and the two of you exemplify that quite beautifully and unusually.[ both Futabas are flattered by the statement ]
Divorce Lawyer: Anyway.. we have, through the court, liquidated your mutual assets, and.. here is a check for both of you. [ drops the check on the middle of his desk ] [ both Futabas lunge for the check, Futaba drawing his sword as Mrs. Futaba holds up her hand ]
Mrs. Futaba: [ diverts her husband’s attention toward the window ] Rook! Godzilla! [ Futaba looks ] Godzilla!
Futaba: [ frantic ] Godzilla?! [ runs to the window, holding his sword menacingly ] [ Mrs. Futaba draws her sword, and takes two swipes at the check as she cracks the desk in half and sends everything on top of it to the floor. The Divorce Lawyer spins in his swivel chair as he reels in the excitement. The Futabas again take their seats. ]
Divorce Lawyer: [ sighs heavily ] Well, now comes the part that’s, understandable, the hardest. The decision as to who gets the custody of your daughter, Bingo.[ the Futabas stand with worry, chanting “Bingo! Oh, Bingo, no!” ]
Divorce Lawyer: [ picks up his intercom from the floor ] Miss Kaufman, will you send in the girl, please? [ drops the intercom back to the floor ] [ the Futabas pace the room, as Bingo rushes in and embraces each of them ]
Bingo: Mama-san! Papa-san![ Mr. and Mrs. Futaba each grab one of Bingo’s arms and attempt to pull her closer to themselves ]
Divorce Lawyer: [ walks towards them ] I realize this is a very, very, very hard decision —
Announcer: Tune in next week, for another episode of “Samurai Divorce Court.”[ fade ]