SNL Transcripts: Peter Boyle: 02/14/76: Jason & Chloe’s Slideshow

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 13

75m: Peter Boyle / Al Jarreau

Jason & Chloe’s Slideshow

Jason…..Dan Aykroyd
Chloe…..Laraine Newman
Bob…..Peter Boyle
Chinese food delivery boy on slide…..Akira Yoshimura

[ open on interior, Jason and Chloe’s apartment — Chloe meditates on a corner swing as Jason occupies himself at the coffee table. Iron Butterfly’s “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida” plays in the background. ] [ the doorbell rings; Jason turns down the stereo and answers the door ]

Bob: [ enters ] Hey, kids — I’m sorry to barge in like this, but, uh, I think I must have gotten another one of your packages by mistake, you know? This is something from the [ reading: ] “Mountain Snow Baby Powder Company in Bolivia”.

Jason: [ half freaking ] That’s mine, man.

Bob: I never knew Bolivia exported baby powder.

Jason: Ohhhh yeah, man — they have a big mail-order business in, like, baby powder and talc, you know?

Bob: Oh. Well, what the heck! Why not just buy it at the corner drugstore?

Jason: Ohhh… well, like… you know, I have this, uh, rash — you know, I’m allergic? I need this special Bolivian baby powder, like, I have to order it special.

Bob: Well, I always figured it might be yours because, you know, last week, that mix-up with the Afghani Astroturf?

Jason: It’s like a, you know, sort of organic turf, like, you can only order in Afghanistan!

Bob: Right… right. Well, you explained last time about your, uh, organic miniature golf course.

Jason: You should try it out sometime — [ he reaches for his package ] I’ll — I’ll take the package…

Bob: Well, look — maybe I should really check this with the Super because it’s only addressed to the Occupant.

Jason: Yeah, th-that’s cool. It’s me, man. It’s cool. [ he grabs the package ]

Bob: Sure, sure, you are the Occupant.

Jason: Chloe! Chloe! [ he acknowledges Chloe on the swing ] She’s meditating, man.

Bob: Oh.

Jason: Chloe! [ Chloe opens her eyes ] Snow White’s back in town.

Chloe: Far out! [ she climbs out of her swing ]

Bob: Hi! I’m Bob.

Chloe: Oh! Far out! Wow! Like, deja vu! Don’t I know you from another lifetime?

Bob: I think you know me from just across the hall.

Chloe: Ohhh! Far out!

[ Jason is now tinkering with a slide projector ]

Jason: Hey, man — you’re just in to catch the slides of our trip.

Bob: Oh. Where did you go?

[ Chloe dims the lights ]

Chloe: Innerspace, Bob!

[ Chloe pushes Bob down onto the couch with them ]

Bob: Oh.

Jason: We dropped some acid, man.

Bob: Oh… well, it’ll probably turn up somewhere. Hey, I can’t stay long, though, you know? I’m gonna taken the wife and kids to see “The Wildnerness Family”.

Jason: Oh… wow.

Bob: It’s a heck of a thing, timber wolves and everything…

Jason: If you’re, uh, into visuals, man, you’re really gonna dig these slides.

Bob: O-kay…

[ first slide: close-up of Chloe drinking water ]

Chloe: Oh, wow! That’s me drinking water!

[ next slide: close-up of record ]

Jason: “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida”, man! The greatest record EVER made!

Bob: It even looks great!

Jason: Yeah!

[ next slide: close-up of Chloe’s hand on a windowpane ]

Chloe: Ohhh! This is me with my hand on the windowpane? Like, I could really feellll the window’s paaaane. Ohhhh.

[ next slide: Jason’s shoe ]

Jason: Dig this, man! Inside my shoe, my foot is, like, evolving from webbed to furry to hooved to cloven, man!

[ next slide: Jason’s bare foot ]

Jason: But, like, you know — I couldn’t get my shoe off in time to see it, you know? It evolved back into a man’s foot.

Bob: Oh. I know how you feel — I had my back go out on me last Tuesday. Oh, boy.

[ next slide: close-up of Jason’s nipple ]

Jason: [ proudly ] That’s mine!

[ next slide: Chinese food delivery boy ]

Chloe: Ohhh! That’s the Chinese food delivery boy! He really blew me away!

[ next slide: inside of empty Chinese food carton ]

Jason: That’s the Moo Goo Gai Pan carton, man! I gazed in there, you know, and I saw Confucuius and Buddha, man…

Chloe: I saw Mao… and Tao… and Lao. What do you see?

Bob: Oh, I don’t know? How about Huey, Dewey, and Louie? [ he cracks himself up laughing ] [ next slide: a chocolate cake ]

Chloe: Ohh! That’s the cake I made for a picnic in the park! It was raining, so we left it out on the fire escape.

Jason: We watched it melt for hours, all the sweet cream icing flowing down.

Chloe: I really — I didn’t think I could TAKE it!

Jason: It took SO long to BAKE it, man.

Chloe: And I’ll never have that recipe again.

Bob: Oh, no! Aw, that’s too bad.

[ next slide: Jason rushing ]

Chloe: Oh, that’s Jason rushing, man.

[ next slide: Chloe peaking ]

Jason: Chloe peaking, man.

[ next slide: Jason freaking ]

Chloe: And that’s Jason FREAKING! Ohhhh!

[ next slide: Chloe coming down ]

Jason: Chloe coming down. Man, this trip, you know, really really tripped me. It was the first time I dug rapping with her, you know, as much as I did, you know, making it with her, you know?

Chloe: [ touched ] That’s really beautiful.

[ next slide: close-up of telephone }

[ sound effect: telephone ringing ]

Chloe: MIND-BLOWER!! Like, that picture’s so super-real! I can hear it RINGING!!

Jason: I can hear it, too! What a FLASH!

Bob: Oh, hey — the phone IS ringing!

Jason: Oh. Far out! [ he answers the phone ] Hello? Dog Head! Yeah! Uh… Blizzard in Bolivia. Lights flurries with a nasal mist, man. [ Bob leans in ] It’s not cool now, man. I’ll talk later. [ he hangs up ]

Bob: Oh, hey! [ he laughs ] I gotta run! [ he stands ] The movie… the wife… [ he rushes toward the door ]

Chloe: [ leans up to Bob’s shoulder ] Oh, say, Bob, by the way… are you into the number Three or anything?

Bob: [ uncomfortable ] Oh, the wife… I-I-I-I gotta go meet the wife.

Chloe: Hey, the number Four’s groovy with me, too!

Bob: [ desperate to leave ] Well, hey — we’ll have lunch sometime! We’ll go down to get some burgers! Okay?

Jason: Oh, say, that reminds me, Bob — uh, I’m expecting this package, you know? Like, it’s from Nepal. It’s fudge, from Nepal.

Bob: Ohhh, oh! Reefer fudge! I’d LOVE a taste!

Jason: It’s a special Nepalese fudge — you know, no calories, man?

Bob: Count me in!

Jason: Oh, okay. No problem. You just drop it over if it comes to your place.

Bob: Oh, anyway, I hate to rush — nice slideshow, wonderful —

Chloe: Oh, Bob, tell me one more thing: like, are you ever home during the day?

Bob: W-well… when my work allows it. You see, I’m a prole officer.

Jason: [ jumpy, thrusts his package into Bob’s arms ] Uh, would you take this down to the Super, man?! Okay? Thanks a lot!

[ they shove Bob into the hall and slam the door ]

Jason: Wow. I could use a stiff drink.

Chloe: Really, fer sure.

[ pull out to audience wide shot, with SUPER: “Coming Up Next… Midget Whales” ] [ fade ]

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