Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 1: Episode 13
Jason & Chloe’s Slideshow
Chinese food delivery boy on slide…..Akira Yoshimura
Bob: [ enters ] Hey, kids — I’m sorry to barge in like this, but, uh, I think I must have gotten another one of your packages by mistake, you know? This is something from the [ reading: ] “Mountain Snow Baby Powder Company in Bolivia”.
Jason: [ half freaking ] That’s mine, man.
Bob: I never knew Bolivia exported baby powder.
Jason: Ohhhh yeah, man — they have a big mail-order business in, like, baby powder and talc, you know?
Bob: Oh. Well, what the heck! Why not just buy it at the corner drugstore?
Jason: Ohhh… well, like… you know, I have this, uh, rash — you know, I’m allergic? I need this special Bolivian baby powder, like, I have to order it special.
Bob: Well, I always figured it might be yours because, you know, last week, that mix-up with the Afghani Astroturf?
Jason: It’s like a, you know, sort of organic turf, like, you can only order in Afghanistan!
Bob: Right… right. Well, you explained last time about your, uh, organic miniature golf course.
Jason: You should try it out sometime — [ he reaches for his package ] I’ll — I’ll take the package…
Bob: Well, look — maybe I should really check this with the Super because it’s only addressed to the Occupant.
Jason: Yeah, th-that’s cool. It’s me, man. It’s cool. [ he grabs the package ]
Bob: Sure, sure, you are the Occupant.
Jason: Chloe! Chloe! [ he acknowledges Chloe on the swing ] She’s meditating, man.
Jason: Chloe! [ Chloe opens her eyes ] Snow White’s back in town.
Chloe: Far out! [ she climbs out of her swing ]
Bob: Hi! I’m Bob.
Chloe: Oh! Far out! Wow! Like, deja vu! Don’t I know you from another lifetime?
Bob: I think you know me from just across the hall.
Chloe: Ohhh! Far out![ Jason is now tinkering with a slide projector ]
Jason: Hey, man — you’re just in to catch the slides of our trip.
Bob: Oh. Where did you go?[ Chloe dims the lights ]
Chloe: Innerspace, Bob![ Chloe pushes Bob down onto the couch with them ]
Jason: We dropped some acid, man.
Bob: Oh… well, it’ll probably turn up somewhere. Hey, I can’t stay long, though, you know? I’m gonna taken the wife and kids to see “The Wildnerness Family”.
Jason: Oh… wow.
Bob: It’s a heck of a thing, timber wolves and everything…
Jason: If you’re, uh, into visuals, man, you’re really gonna dig these slides.
Bob: O-kay…[ first slide: close-up of Chloe drinking water ]
Chloe: Oh, wow! That’s me drinking water![ next slide: close-up of record ]
Jason: “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida”, man! The greatest record EVER made!
Bob: It even looks great!
Jason: Yeah![ next slide: close-up of Chloe’s hand on a windowpane ]
Chloe: Ohhh! This is me with my hand on the windowpane? Like, I could really feellll the window’s paaaane. Ohhhh.[ next slide: Jason’s shoe ]
Jason: Dig this, man! Inside my shoe, my foot is, like, evolving from webbed to furry to hooved to cloven, man![ next slide: Jason’s bare foot ]
Jason: But, like, you know — I couldn’t get my shoe off in time to see it, you know? It evolved back into a man’s foot.
Bob: Oh. I know how you feel — I had my back go out on me last Tuesday. Oh, boy.[ next slide: close-up of Jason’s nipple ]
Jason: [ proudly ] That’s mine![ next slide: Chinese food delivery boy ]
Chloe: Ohhh! That’s the Chinese food delivery boy! He really blew me away![ next slide: inside of empty Chinese food carton ]
Jason: That’s the Moo Goo Gai Pan carton, man! I gazed in there, you know, and I saw Confucuius and Buddha, man…
Chloe: I saw Mao… and Tao… and Lao. What do you see?
Bob: Oh, I don’t know? How about Huey, Dewey, and Louie? [ he cracks himself up laughing ] [ next slide: a chocolate cake ]
Chloe: Ohh! That’s the cake I made for a picnic in the park! It was raining, so we left it out on the fire escape.
Jason: We watched it melt for hours, all the sweet cream icing flowing down.
Chloe: I really — I didn’t think I could TAKE it!
Jason: It took SO long to BAKE it, man.
Chloe: And I’ll never have that recipe again.
Bob: Oh, no! Aw, that’s too bad.[ next slide: Jason rushing ]
Chloe: Oh, that’s Jason rushing, man.[ next slide: Chloe peaking ]
Jason: Chloe peaking, man.[ next slide: Jason freaking ]
Chloe: And that’s Jason FREAKING! Ohhhh![ next slide: Chloe coming down ]
Jason: Chloe coming down. Man, this trip, you know, really really tripped me. It was the first time I dug rapping with her, you know, as much as I did, you know, making it with her, you know?
Chloe: [ touched ] That’s really beautiful.[ next slide: close-up of telephone } [ sound effect: telephone ringing ]
Chloe: MIND-BLOWER!! Like, that picture’s so super-real! I can hear it RINGING!!
Jason: I can hear it, too! What a FLASH!
Bob: Oh, hey — the phone IS ringing!
Jason: Oh. Far out! [ he answers the phone ] Hello? Dog Head! Yeah! Uh… Blizzard in Bolivia. Lights flurries with a nasal mist, man. [ Bob leans in ] It’s not cool now, man. I’ll talk later. [ he hangs up ]
Bob: Oh, hey! [ he laughs ] I gotta run! [ he stands ] The movie… the wife… [ he rushes toward the door ]
Chloe: [ leans up to Bob’s shoulder ] Oh, say, Bob, by the way… are you into the number Three or anything?
Bob: [ uncomfortable ] Oh, the wife… I-I-I-I gotta go meet the wife.
Chloe: Hey, the number Four’s groovy with me, too!
Bob: [ desperate to leave ] Well, hey — we’ll have lunch sometime! We’ll go down to get some burgers! Okay?
Jason: Oh, say, that reminds me, Bob — uh, I’m expecting this package, you know? Like, it’s from Nepal. It’s fudge, from Nepal.
Bob: Ohhh, oh! Reefer fudge! I’d LOVE a taste!
Jason: It’s a special Nepalese fudge — you know, no calories, man?
Bob: Count me in!
Jason: Oh, okay. No problem. You just drop it over if it comes to your place.
Bob: Oh, anyway, I hate to rush — nice slideshow, wonderful —
Chloe: Oh, Bob, tell me one more thing: like, are you ever home during the day?
Bob: W-well… when my work allows it. You see, I’m a prole officer.
Jason: [ jumpy, thrusts his package into Bob’s arms ] Uh, would you take this down to the Super, man?! Okay? Thanks a lot![ they shove Bob into the hall and slam the door ]
Jason: Wow. I could use a stiff drink.
Chloe: Really, fer sure.[ pull out to audience wide shot, with SUPER: “Coming Up Next… Midget Whales” ] [ fade ]