SNL Transcripts: Peter Boyle: 02/14/76: St. Valentine’s Day Massacre


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 13

75m: Peter Boyle / Al Jarreau

St. Valentine’s Day Massacre

Roger…..Dan Aykroyd
Laraine…..Laraine Newman
Owner, Steve Bushakis…..John Belushi
Jimmy…..Chevy Chase

[ open on interior, swanky underground restaurant, as a man and a woman enter from the ground floor and come down the stairs. The brass sounds of “Chicago” can be heard in the background. ] [ SUPER: “Chicago – 1929” ] [ SUPER: “St. Valentine’s Day” ] [ the man and the woman pass another man and woman, Roger and Laraine, at a table. The camera locks on this second couple as they eat. ]

Laraine: Oh, Roger, what a lovely restaurant. I mean, the decor, the ambience, the food, and that wonderful man, Mr. Bushakis, the owner. He’s so nice.

Roger: Mmm-hmm, yes. And the location, too. You know, one would never expect to find such a, a quaint place right in the middle of the garage and warehouse district of Chicago.

Laraine: Darling, was it snowing when we came in here?

Roger: Uh.. I don’t know. I should move the car into a garage, though. I’m sorry.

Laraine: Oh, no, no, please, darling. There’s free indoor parking, why don’t you ask the owner?

Roger: Nonsense! I can do it myself. [ he stands ]

Laraine: But your musaka will get cold.

[ the owner suddenly appears at their table ]

Owner: Can I help ya’s?

Roger: Uh, yes. Uh.. we were wondering – since it’s snowing, i-i-if you could, uh, move our car into your indoor parking facility?

Owner: Of course! We can use our garage next door – it’s heated. [ looks off screen and raises his hand ] Jimmy! Jimmy! Come over here!

[ Jimmy the waiter appears ]

Roger: [ hands the owner his keys ] It’s the green Pierce Arrow sedan.

Owner: Alright. [ hands the keys to Jimmy ] Take these keys, park the car next door in the garage – the indoor garage on North Park Street – bring back the keys to the nice man.

Jimmy: Indoor garage. Bring the keys back.

Owner: Right. Bring the keys back, he will take good care of you.

[ Jimmy runs upstairs ]

Owner: [ to Roger ] How’s the octopus – good?

Roger: Very, very good, thank you.

[ moving on, as he continues his round around the restaurant ] How about you? Everything alright here?

[ we stay with Roger and Laraine ]

Roger: You know, there’s an interesting legend about St. Valentine’s Day. 300 monks hiding in the caves of northern Gaul, in the year 963. The story has it – the legend has it – that —

[ Roger’s story is drowned out all of a sudden by the sound of machine gunfire coming from outside ]

Laraine: You know, darling, I really think we should get that muffler fixed.

Roger: Yes. You’re right. [ he attempts to continue his story over the loud machine gunfire ] [ suddenly, Jimmy re-appears at the top of the stairs, his white coat filled with ullets and dripping of blood. He tumbles down the stairs and flips over the railing, crashing onto a food cart. He stumbles to his feet, only to flip over Roger and Laraine’s table, sending himself and all their food from the table onto the floor, as he lands flat on his back. ]

Roger: Thank you.

[ Jimmy rises, and looks straight into the camera ]

Jimmy: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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