Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 1: Episode 14
Friends…..John Belushi, Gilda Radner, Alan Zweibel, Tom Schiller, Michael O’Donoghue, Neil Levy
[ open on couple sitting up in bed, lighting cigarettes in the dark ]
Wife: Look — it wasn’t your fault. You don’t have to feel bad about it.
Husband: [ scoffs ] You know, you don’t have to say that — I know what you’re thinking.
Wife: These things happen to ALL men.
Husband: [ he sighs ] Well, it’s never happened to me before.
Wife: Maybe you shouldn’t have had that extra drink on the way home.
Husband: Listen — if all it takes is one extra drink, I must be getting pretty old, don’t you think?
Wife: Well, what do you expect? You work too hard, you never get enough exercise — no wonder you couldn’t do your best.
Husband: Look, I’m 40 years old today. Maybe I just wanted to prove I can still —
Wife: Well, I just didn’t think it had anything to do with ME!
Husband: Come on… I came home early, I saw you standing here, your dress is half unzipped —
Wife: Yeah, but you picked the wrong moment.
Husband: What’s wrong with a little spontaneity?
Wife: You THREW me! That’s all! I just wasn’t in the mood! I had plans for this evening! But, NO — you come in here, you BURST in here, you throw me on the bed, and you just expect me to respond! Yuo just don’t understand. I wanted today to be special.
Husband: [ thinking ] Well… come on, it’s not over yet. There’s still a few hours left.
Wife: I thought maybe we could have some friends over, maybe have a little celebration.
Husband: I’m sorry if I spoiled your plans. I guess it was kind of the wrong time.
Wife: I’m sorry, too. Happy Birthday, Sweetheart.
Husband: Thanks.[ they kiss, as the lights suddenly turn on and their friends pop out of hiding ]
Friends: SURPRISE!!![ zoom in on Husband’s stunned, embarrassed face ] [ pull out to studio wide shot, with SUPER: “Coming up Next… Sammy Davis Jr. Asks: Is There Showbusiness After Death?” ] [ fade ]