SNL Transcripts: Desi Arnaz: 02/21/76: Luciana Vermicelli’s Beauty Regimen


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 14

75n: Desi Arnaz / Desi Arnaz, Jr.

Luciana Vermicelli’s Beauty Regimen

Luciana Vermicelli…..Laraine Newman

[ open on a white casket, open to reveal the woman inside ]

[ suddenly, the woman rises to address the camera with a smile ]

Luciana Vermicelli: Hello! I am Luciana Vermicelli! I was an ugly child…

[ she motions hr hand toward a framed photo of a little girl with a moustache and beard ]

…a hideous teenager…

[ the next framed photo reveals a teenaged girl with a long snout ]

…fur on my ears and webbed fingers. But now I am young and beautiful. How did I do it? The answer is in this: [ she holds up a book ] My Beauty Regimen book. My book tells how I drink the blood of girl scouts and brownies. It tells how I eat the face of young virgins. It even tell how I have all my bones replaced with bones of cheerleader and pom-pom girls! Yes, for over 5,000 years, an Egyptian priest has kept all of my body intact — and some of my mind.

[ she glances off-screen in both directions ]

Kazakhan… the moon is over the valley of the jackals! Kazakhan? You can ignite the eterna-leaves now. Kazakhan? Give me a sign, I’ll cut the bird in two —

[ she clutches her throat and falls back into the coffin ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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