Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 1: Episode 14
75n: Desi Arnaz / Desi Arnaz, Jr.
Luciana Vermicelli’s Beauty Regimen
Luciana Vermicelli…..Laraine Newman
[ open on a white casket, open to reveal the woman inside ]
[ suddenly, the woman rises to address the camera with a smile ]
Luciana Vermicelli: Hello! I am Luciana Vermicelli! I was an ugly child…
[ she motions hr hand toward a framed photo of a little girl with a moustache and beard ]
…a hideous teenager…
[ the next framed photo reveals a teenaged girl with a long snout ]
…fur on my ears and webbed fingers. But now I am young and beautiful. How did I do it? The answer is in this: [ she holds up a book ] My Beauty Regimen book. My book tells how I drink the blood of girl scouts and brownies. It tells how I eat the face of young virgins. It even tell how I have all my bones replaced with bones of cheerleader and pom-pom girls! Yes, for over 5,000 years, an Egyptian priest has kept all of my body intact — and some of my mind.
[ she glances off-screen in both directions ]
Kazakhan… the moon is over the valley of the jackals! Kazakhan? You can ignite the eterna-leaves now. Kazakhan? Give me a sign, I’ll cut the bird in two —
[ she clutches her throat and falls back into the coffin ]
[ fade ]
