SNL Transcripts: Desi Arnaz: 02/21/76: Ford’s Psychiatrist


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 14

75n: Desi Arnaz / Desi Arnaz, Jr.

Ford’s Psychiatrist

Dr. Speck ….. Dan Aykroyd
Gerald Ford ….. Chevy Chase

[ FADE IN on Dr. Speck seated in his office. He dusts off a pillow with the Presidential seal on it and puts it on the couch next to him. There is a knock at the door ]

Dr. Speck: Come in.

[ Speck stands up to greet his patient, President Gerald Ford ]

Dr. Speck: Good afternoon, Mr. President.

Gerald Ford: Good afternoon, Dr. Speck.

[ Speck extends his hand for a handshake, but Ford uses the wrong hand ]

Gerald Ford: You know, I just want to tell you that these sessions have been great for me and I’m much more clearheaded already.

Dr. Speck: Well, I’m very glad to hear that, Mr. President. If you’d just like to lie down we can get on with the session.

Gerald Ford: Wonderful. Thank you.

[ Ford takes a few steps towards the couch but lies down on the floor ]

Dr. Speck: Uh, Mr. President, it might go a little easier if you just lie down on the couch as you usually do.

Gerald Ford: Ah.

[ Ford gets up and lies down on the couch the wrong way, horizontally rather than vertically ]

Dr. Speck: Might I suggest, Mr. President, that things might flow a little easier if you lie down with your head up here (motions toward pillow) and your body lengthwise on the couch.

Gerald Ford: Very good, doctor.

[ Ford finally lies down the correct way ]

Dr. Speck: Now, we talked about dreams last time. I want you to remember to your last dream, either last night or the night before. Just lay back and tell me what you see.

[ Speck starts taking notes as Ford looks upwards and tells the doctor what he sees ]

Gerald Ford: I see…white squares…black dots…kind of forming a pattern…the dots and the squares…

[ Speck stops taking notes and slowly and looks up at the ceiling ]

Gerald Ford: The sqaures seem to be like white tile…

Dr. Speck: Uh, Mr. President, that’s the ceiling I believe your looking at.

Gerald Ford: Ah, yes.

Dr. Speck: Let’s try a little free association, okay? Do you know what that is?

Gerald Ford: That’s when you don’t have to pay for it, isn’t it?

[ Ford laughs heartily at his joke while Dr. Speck feigns a few chuckles ]

Dr. Speck: That’s very, very funny, Mr. President. All right now, free association means that I’ll say a word and then you’ll say a word. Whatever word pops into your head, okay?

Gerald Ford: Yes.

Dr. Speck: Okay. Apple.

Gerald Ford: Apple.

Dr. Speck: House.

Gerald Ford: House.

Dr. Speck: No no no, you can say a different word that the one I say, okay?

Gerald Ford: Yes, of course.

Dr. Speck: Apple.

Gerald Ford: Apples.

Dr. Speck: It can be a completely different concept, you know.

Gerald Ford: Different word?

Dr. Speck: Yes, completely different. Apple.

Gerald Ford: Cider.

Dr. Speck: Good…

Gerald Ford: Bad.

Dr. Speck: No.

Gerald Ford: Yes.

Dr. Speck: Stop!

Gerald Ford: Go.

Dr. Speck: (pauses, then resumes the free association) Rug.

Gerald Ford: Trip.

Dr. Speck: Carpet.

Gerald Ford: Spill.

Dr. Speck: Car.

Gerald Ford: Crash.

Dr. Speck: Head.

Gerald Ford: Bump.

Dr. Speck: Snow.

Gerald Ford: Slip.

Dr. Speck: Primary.

Gerald Ford: Lose.

Dr. Speck: Reagan.

Gerald Ford: Hair dye.

Dr. Speck: China.

Gerald Ford: Pardon. Dr. Speck, I’m not feeling too well today. Got up on the wrong side of the bed. Maybe we could continue this tomorrow.

Dr. Speck: Certainly, certainly.

Gerald Ford: Thank you, doctor. I’ll see you tomorrow.

Dr. Speck: Fine.

[ Ford gets up on the wrong side of the couch and crashes through the wall ] [ CUT to Ford standing behind the set. He looks into the camera ]

Gerald Ford: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Submitted by: Dan Pascoe

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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