Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 1: Episode 14
Waiter ….. John Belushi
Judy ….. Laraine Newman
Matt ….. Chevy Chase
Diners in background ….. Neil Levy, Michael O’Donoghue, Anne Beatts, Tom Davis, Tom Schiller
[ OPEN in a restaurant, where a waiter walks over to a young couple’s table ]
Waiter: How’s everything? How’s the meal? Good?
Matt: (quietly) Great.
[ The waiter exits ]
Judy: Matt, there’s something I want to talk to you about. It’s a problem I feel in our relationship and it’s been bothering me for a long time. I’d just kind of like to get it out in the open and express it to you.
Matt: All right, what’s the problem?
Judy: I think the problem is that…I don’t know, that we just don’t communicate. Now, maybe it’s just because your a guy and I’m a girl. But it’s like when you talk to me, I don’t understand what you’re saying.
Matt: Well, I don’t think that’s the problem, Judy. I think the problem is your cromzoid attitude.
Matt: Your cromzoid attitude. Your incredibly blon-snark, cromzoid attitude.
Judy: Matt! (frusteratedly puts her head in her hands)
Matt: You are constantly, constantly into your own greebplarts! It drives me nirkskill, and I can’t take it.
Judy: This is just what I’m…
Matt: (interrupting) In addition to which, I have to deal with your incredibly overblown roofkies!
Judy: My roofkies?
Matt: Your ridiculous gripthoids.
Judy: My gripthoids?
Matt: And your unbelievably outrageous peep snappers!
Judy: My peep snappers?
Matt: (shouting) Yes, and I’m sick of it! Cromzoids, blon-snark, roofkies, gazornoplats! (hushed) And people wonder why I’m going crazy with you.
Judy: (aggrevated) What’s a gazornoplat?
Matt: I cannot take it anymore. I have a kistritsky too, did you know that? I have lunglubs, don’t you know that? Look, you have to take into consideration my lamzoids, my gleebfreebs, my normkrub, my troigs!
Judy: I was…
Matt: (shouting) So when you talk about the problem in our relationship, don’t lay it on my frigga-hoy-hoys, darling! Look inside your own groovy grumba-ho-hos, huh? I’m gonna go take a wappy-wip.
[ Matt crumples up his napkin, throws it on the table, and leaves while the other diners stare at him. The waiter returns to the table ]
Waiter: What’s the matter, sweetheart?
Judy: Oh Adolfo, sometimes I feel like I’ll just never understand men.
Waiter: Well, don’t worry. Everything will be coopercrippi.
[ Judy nods. Applause, fade ]
Submitted by: Dan Pascoe