Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 1: Episode 14
75n: Desi Arnaz / Desi Arnaz, Jr.
Understanding Men
Waiter ….. John Belushi
Judy ….. Laraine Newman
Matt ….. Chevy Chase
Diners in background ….. Neil Levy, Michael O’Donoghue, Anne Beatts, Tom Davis, Tom Schiller
[ OPEN in a restaurant, where a waiter walks over to a young couple’s table ]
Waiter: How’s everything? How’s the meal? Good?
Matt: (quietly) Great.
[ The waiter exits ]
Judy: Matt, there’s something I want to talk to you about. It’s a problem I feel in our relationship and it’s been bothering me for a long time. I’d just kind of like to get it out in the open and express it to you.
Matt: All right, what’s the problem?
Judy: I think the problem is that…I don’t know, that we just don’t communicate. Now, maybe it’s just because your a guy and I’m a girl. But it’s like when you talk to me, I don’t understand what you’re saying.
Matt: Well, I don’t think that’s the problem, Judy. I think the problem is your cromzoid attitude.
Judy: What?
Matt: Your cromzoid attitude. Your incredibly blon-snark, cromzoid attitude.
Judy: Matt! (frusteratedly puts her head in her hands)
Matt: You are constantly, constantly into your own greebplarts! It drives me nirkskill, and I can’t take it.
Judy: This is just what I’m…
Matt: (interrupting) In addition to which, I have to deal with your incredibly overblown roofkies!
Judy: My roofkies?
Matt: Your ridiculous gripthoids.
Judy: My gripthoids?
Matt: And your unbelievably outrageous peep snappers!
Judy: My peep snappers?
Matt: (shouting) Yes, and I’m sick of it! Cromzoids, blon-snark, roofkies, gazornoplats! (hushed) And people wonder why I’m going crazy with you.
Judy: (aggrevated) What’s a gazornoplat?
Matt: I cannot take it anymore. I have a kistritsky too, did you know that? I have lunglubs, don’t you know that? Look, you have to take into consideration my lamzoids, my gleebfreebs, my normkrub, my troigs!
Judy: I was…
Matt: (shouting) So when you talk about the problem in our relationship, don’t lay it on my frigga-hoy-hoys, darling! Look inside your own groovy grumba-ho-hos, huh? I’m gonna go take a wappy-wip.
[ Matt crumples up his napkin, throws it on the table, and leaves while the other diners stare at him. The waiter returns to the table ]
Waiter: What’s the matter, sweetheart?
Judy: Oh Adolfo, sometimes I feel like I’ll just never understand men.
Waiter: Well, don’t worry. Everything will be coopercrippi.
[ Judy nods. Applause, fade ]
Submitted by: Dan Pascoe
