SNL Transcripts: Jill Clayburgh: 02/28/76: No More Falls



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 15






75o: Jill Clayburgh / Leon Redbone

No More Falls

…..Lorne Michaels
Reporter…..Edie Baskin
…..Chevy Chase
Woman in Audience…..Rosie Shuster
…..Alan Zwiebel

[ open on Lorne’s office, as he’s being interviewed by a female reporter. Framed photos of Richard Nixon appear on Lorne’s desk. ]

Lorne Michaels: — talk to the producer. The producer is really the person who really knows what’s happening.

[ Chevy opens the door, then knocks on it ]

Lorne Michaels: Ah, Chevy.

Chevy Chase: [ to the reporter ] Excuse me, I’m sorry. [ sits on Lorne’s desk ] Lorne. Look. Uh.. uh..

Lorne Michaels: Shouldn’t you be downstairs opening the show?

Chevy Chase: I’m not going to do the fall. I’m sorry. Ah, I know we had an agreement, but I-I-I’m sick of being a clown.. I’m sick of just doing falls —

Lorne Michaels: Chevy, we can’t begin the show

Chevy Chase: — I’m being a damn newsman all the time! I mean, I-I-I-I can’t do it! Do you realize I was offered a “McMillan & Wife”?

Lorne Michaels: Do they do falls on “McMillan & Wife”?

Chevy Chase: That isn’t the point! I don’t want to be a buffoon any more! I’m sick of being identified with some kind of — people don’t even want to see the fall any more!

Lorne Michaels: I’m telling you, the most popular part of the show is the fall! Every show has opened with you falling, it’s — [ tries a different approach, holds up a single envelope ] I get stacks, stacks of mail! Here’s a letter right here, it just arrived. [ opens the letter, pretends to read it ] “Love the fall!”

Chevy Chase: [ reaches for the letter ] Let me see that.

Lorne Michaels: No. [ stuffs the letter into his desk ] The thing, it’s the most — no, the chandelier and the ladder is the most popular fall. I think you should go down there, open with the fall, and we cna talk about it some other time.

Chevy Chase: Alright, this is the last time!

Lorne Michaels: Trust me on this.

Chevy Chase: The letter – they really like it?

Lorne Michaels: The letter. [ pulls the letter out, holds it up for Chevy briefly ] “Most popular thing, love the fall.” So, if you could just go down there, and open with the fall, Chevy – believe me.

Chevy Chase: [ as he heads for the door ] No one likes it!

Lorne Michaels: No, it’s the most popular thing on the show. Good luck!

[ Chevy exits Lorne’s office and retreats down the hall. Before he makes his exit, we catch a glimpse of a framed picture of Chevy on top of a television set in Lorne’s office. ]

Chevy Chase: I don’t know.. he’s the boss..

[ Chevy appears amongst the audience muttering to himself, walking behind the rows toward the stage floor ]

Chevy Chase: I wonder if I’ve been conned into something. They like the fall, they like the fall.. My knee! My hip! They like it, they like it, but this is the last one. I really don’t mmind if I get a “Baretta” – I’ve had it.

[ Chevy steps into a row of audience members, squeezing his way across them ]

Chevy Chase: Excuse me, please. Excuse me. I’m sorry.. I’m sorry, I’m sorry.

[ Chevy reaches the end of the row; the woman on the end speaks to him ]

Woman in Audience: You’re not gonna do the fall with the chandelier and the ladder again, are you?

Chevy Chase: [ shaking his head ] I don’t believe this.

[ Chevy walks down a flight of stairs and onto the set, what looks like an office set-up with a ladder standing under a chandelier ]

Chevy Chase: Did you hear that? [ looks back toward the woman ] No. no, I’m not! I’ve got better things to do! [ bumps into the foot of the ladder, struggles back the way he came ] I’ve got much better things to do than that! [ trips on the first step as he makes his way back up into the audience ] I’m going to tell Lorne that right now!

[ Chevy trips at the top of stairs, but regains his balance before continuing to stumble his way amongst the audience as he mutters inaudibly to himself. As he stomps back through the row he came, Chevy trips and nearly falls over the railing. He catches himself and lifts himself back up ]

Chevy Chase: I’ve had it! I’ve had it!

[ Chevy takes another step, and stumbles in such a way that it sends him running across the hall in imbalance. He reaches the outer hall to Lorne’s office without a scratch. ]

Chevy Chase: This is it, Lorne. This is it, Lorne! This is exactly what we were talking about —

[ as Chevy stomps down the hall, he crashes into Alan Zwibel and they both crash to the floor. Chevy jumps back on his feet and staggers into Lorne’s office. ]

Chevy Chase: No! [ slams his hands on Lorne’s desk ] Absolutely not, I’m not doing it! And let me tell you why!

Lorne Michaels: Why?

[ Chevy attempts to sit on the edge of Lorne’s desk, but slides off and drops semi-backwards to the floor. Lorne waits patiently, as Chevy slowly rises and removes his glasses. ]

Chevy Chase: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

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