SNL Transcripts: Jill Clayburgh: 02/28/76: Andy Kaufman

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 15

75o: Jill Clayburgh / Leon Redbone

Andy Kaufman

… Jill Clayburgh
… Andy Kaufman

[Host Jill Clayburgh stands at Home Base, in front ofa red curtain, and speaks into a microphone atop amike stand at center stage.]

Jill Clayburgh: Well, our next guest has beenon the show several times and, for what he’s doingtonight, he needs four people, uh, volunteers from theaudience. And I’m gonna choose them. Don’t all raiseyour hands at once. Let’s see now, there’s– Ohhhh.[nervous laughter from audience, Clayburgh points intothe crowd] You! You have been chosen. Come on up. [oneby one, chosen audience members walk on stage andstand with Clayburgh] And what about you? Would youlike to do it? Come on. Yeah, yeah. Just come standover here and be ready for anything and– it’ll bepainless. And, let’s see, uh, would you like to be on?Yeah, come on up. And, uh, oh, I think I’ll pick agirl. Oh! I saw you looking away. Come on. Okay.[arranges the volunteers in a line] Oh, here, now, youstand – you stand here — I know about this — boy,girl, boy, girl. You, you stand here. [the fourvolunteers, two men and two women, all young people,are lined up across the stage, with three on one sideof the microphone stand and one on the other] And Ithink that’s it. Ladies and gentlemen, Andy Kaufman.

[Clayburgh leads the applause for Kaufman who enterswearing sneakers, a dark suit, with a blue shirt andnecktie, and a farmer’s straw hat. Clayburgh exits asKaufman stands at his portable phonograph, sitting ona table at one side of the stage. He puts the needleon the record: a children’s 78 rpm disc from the PeterPan Records label featuring Billy Williams and HisCowboy Rangers singing “Oh, Susanna” on one side and”Old MacDonald” on the other. Kaufman moves to themike stand as the scratchy record revolves andlip-syncs to the singer, Mr. Billy, much to theamusement of the audience and the volunteers lined upbehind him.]

Mr. Billy: [sings] Old MacDonald had a farmE-I-E-I-O!

[Kaufman raises his arm grandly on the final”E-I-E-I-O!” To the sound of a trotting horse, Kaufmantrots in place and turns to face the pleasingly plumpgirl who stands alone on one side of the mike stand.]

Mr. Billy: Whoa!

[Kaufman stops lip-synching and acts as if the plumpgirl is “Little Tex” and speaks to him. The plump girljust stands there grinning as Kaufman looks ather.]

Little Tex: Whoa! Oh, I like that song, Mr.Billy. Let’s all it sing it, shall we?

[Kaufman lip-syncs as if speaking to the plumpgirl.]

Mr. Billy: All right, Little Tex. [Kaufmanturns to the other volunteers and lip-syncs] Are youready, boys? [Kaufman bobs up and down, lip-synchingat the microphone as Mr. Billy sings the firstverse:]Old MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O
And on this farm he had some chicks, E-I-E-I-O
With a chick-chick here and a chick-chick there
And a here a chick there a chick, everywhere achick-chick
Old MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O

[Kaufman steps away from the mike as he finishes theverse (as always, raising his arm grandly on the final”E-I-E-I-O!”) and turns to the plump girl, leading herup to the mike.]

Mr. Billy: [speaks] All right, Little Tex. It’syour turn.

[After a moment of surprise, the plump girl gamelythrows herself into lip-synching the next verse asLittle Tex sings:]

Little Tex:
Old MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O
And on that farm he had some ducks, E-I-E-I-O[audience applauds her]With a quack-quack here and a quack-quack there
And a here a quack there a quack, everywhere aquack-quack

[Kaufman smoothly glides in front of the plump girl topick up the next part to much applause from thecrowd.]

Mr. Billy:
With a chick-chick here and a chick-chick there
And a here a chick there a chick, everywhere achick-chick
Old MacDonald had a farm E-I-E-I-O

[Kaufman again raises his arm grandly on the final”E-I-E-I-O!” – and then guides the next volunteer inline — a thin, bespectacled guy — up to the mike andlip-synchs to him.]

Mr. Billy: [speaks] Well, I guess you’re next,Joe.

[Bespectacled guy lip-synchs along with the record asa goofy “hick” voice sings:]

Joe:
Well, Old MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O
And on that farm he had some turkeys, E-I-E-I-O
With a gobble-gobble here and a gobble-gobble there
And a here a gobble, there a gobble, everywhere agobble-gobble

[Kaufman pushes the bespectacled guy away and pullsthe plump girl to the mike where she animatedlylip-synchs her part:]

Little Tex:
Quack-quack here and a quack-quack there
And a here a quack there a quack, everywhere aquack-quack

[Kaufman glides in and lip-synchs his verse to moreapplause as the plump girl cracks up laughing behindhim.]

Mr. Billy: With a chick-chick here and a chick-chick there
And a here a chick there a chick, everywhere achick-chick
Old MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O

[Kaufman leads a thin girl to the mike and lip-synchsto her:]

Mr. Billy: [speaks] Now, it’s your turn,Eddie.

[Thin girl lip-synchs her verse to a deep masculinevoice:]

Eddie:
Old MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O
And on that farm he had some pigs, E-I-E-I-O
With a oink-oink here and a oink-oink there
Here an oink there an oink, everywhere aoink-oink

[Thin girl, nearly breaking up with laughter, ispushed away by Kaufman who guides the bespectacled guyto the mike to lip-sync his part:]

Joe:
Gobble-gobble here and a gobble-gobble there
And a here a gobble, there a gobble, everywhere agobble-gobble

[Bespectacled guy almost retreats too early andKaufman has to drag him back toward the mike and thenpush him away to make room for the plump girl whoneeds little coaxing to do her verse:]

Little Tex:
Quack-quack here and a quack-quack there
And a here a quack there a quack, everywhere aquack-quack

[Applause for her enthusiastic effort as Kaufmanglides in again:]

Mr. Billy:
With a chick-chick here and a chick-chick there
And a here a chick there a chick, everywhere achick-chick
Old MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O

[By now, all the volunteers are grinning and clearlyhaving a good time. The final volunteer, a dark-hairedguy, moves to the mike with no prompting, thoughKaufman lip-synchs to him:]

Mr. Billy: [speaks] Now, what do you have tosay, Gabe?

[Dark-haired guy at the mike does a serviceablejob:]

Gabe:
Well, Old MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O
And on this farm he had a cow, E-I-E-I-O
With a moo-moo here and a moo-moo there
Here a moo, there a moo, everywhere amoo-moo

[Dark-haired guy withdraws as Kaufman drags in thethin girl:]

Eddie:
Oink-oink here and a oink-oink there
Here an oink there an oink, everywhere aoink-oink

[Thin girl looks quizzically at Kaufman for approvaland retreats as he guides the bespectacled guy, whohas already started lip-synching, to themike:]

Joe:
Gobble-gobble here and a gobble-gobble there
And a here a gobble, there a gobble, everywhere agobble-gobble

[Bespectacled guy gets some applause but forgets to dothe last part of his last line. Kaufman sends in theplump girl who gets another round of applause for herspirited performance:]

Little Tex:
Quack-quack here and a quack-quack there
And a here a quack there a quack, everywhere aquack-quack

[Kaufman glides in for the last time:]

Mr. Billy:
With a chick-chick here and a chick-chick there
And a here a chick there a chick, everywhere achick-chick
[By now the audience is clapping along with thesong]Old MacDonald had a farm E-I-E-I-O

[Song ends. Much applause which drowns out a moment ofthe record and also Jill Clayburgh who returns tothank the volunteers. Kaufman waves to the audienceand lip-synchs the following:]

Mr. Billy: [speaks] I’ll see you later, cowboysand cowgirls!

[Applause continues as the volunteers return to theirseats and Kaufman and Clayburgh exit the stage inopposite directions, trotting, to the sound of hoofbeats from the end of the record. Pull back a littleand fade out.]

Submitted Anonymously

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