Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 1: Episode 15
The Mr. Bill Show
Dan Aykroyd: [ standing stiffly ] Hi, my name’s Danny. What’s yours? Uh…about home movies. You send them in and we play em. No pay, just play. Uh, the home movie this week is by Walter Williams.
(some applause is heard. fade out)
(cut to the home movie of a curtain titled, the Mr. Bill show.)
Mr. Hands: It’s the Mr. Bill Holiday Special! And wait, I hear Mr. Bill coming right now. (curtain slowlyrises to reveal Mr. Bill, a short clay man.) Look, there he is! Hi, Mr. Bill, how are you?
Mr. Bill: Oh ho ho, kiddies! I’m doing okay. It’s so good to see all your bright faces out in front of the TV set. Oh, we’re going to have a great time today. All my friends are here and we’re going to do those fun things. You know, those things that we always do. I’d like to meet my friend. He always helps me out a lot. His name is Mr. Hands! Say hello Mr. Hands!
Mr. Hands: Say Mr. Bill, how are you today? (starts molding a small yellow ball of clay) Good to see you.
Mr. Bill: Oh, I’m fine. How are you?
Mr. Hands: Oh, I’m just great Mr. Bill. Say, somebody’s coming to see you!
Mr. Bill: Uh, who could be coming to see me? Who?
Mr. Hands: Well it’s your dog.
Mr. Bill: Awwww.
Mr. Hands: (sings) Here comes Mr. Bill’s dog.
Mr. Bill: Spot!
Mr. Hands: (sings) Here comes Mr. Bill’s dog.
Mr. Bill: Awww.
Mr. Hands: (sings) He can run and jump and play. (reveals Spot) “I am Mr. Bill’s dog.”
Mr. Bill: Oh, Spot! It’s so good to see you. Oh, are you being a good dog.
Spot: Oh yes, Mr. Bill! How are you?
Mr. Bill: Oh fine. Have you been doing all those things you’re supposed to do?
Spot: Yes and I don’t even come along any more.
Mr. Bill: Oh goodie, let me pet you. (Mr. Hands moves Spot closer to Mr. Bill)
Mr. Bill: Oh it’s so good to see you.
Spot: Don’t go away Mr. Bill.
Mr. Bill: But I like playing with Spot. Oh wait!
Mr. Hands: (picking up Spot) Mr. Spot has to go now. (Crumples up Spot.)
Mr. Bill: No wait! No, noooooooooooooooooo!
Mr. Hands: Say Mr. Bill, how would you like some company from one of your best friends? (starts molding a blue ball of clay)
Mr. Bill: Oh who is that?
Mr. Hands: Take a guess, look.
Mr. Bill: I don’t know, I don’t recognize him. Who?
Mr. Hands: Well, it’s one of your best friends. It’s…
Mr. Bill: Oh no!
Mr. Hands: …Mr Sluggo! (Sluggo appears with a knife in his hands.)
Mr. Bill: I, I don’t even like him. He hurts me all the time.
Mr. Hands: No, he just wants to come over and shake hands with you Mr. Bill (Moves Sluggo closer to Mr. Bill)
Mr. Bill: No wait, what’s he got in his hands? What is that? No, (Sluggo knifes Mr. Bill in the stomach) Ohhhhhhh!
Mr. Hands: Oh, Mr. Bill. It must’ve slipped. He didn’t mean that.
Mr. Bill: It hurts!
Mr. Hands: (Another Sluggo appears) I have the doctor take a look at it.
Mr. Bill: Oh, I don’t think he’s a doctor. Who is that?
Mr. Hands: That’s Doctor Sluggo!
Mr. Bill: No, he isn’t a doctor! My leg’s fine!
Mr. Hands: Sure he is! Let him take a look at it.
Mr. Bill: No, it’s okay! No really.
Mr. Hands: Oh he says it has to be amputated Mr. Bill. (Gives a saw to Sluggo)
Mr. Bill: No wait! It feels right.
Mr. Hands: Always listen to the doctor.
Mr. Bill: Oh wait it’s okay (Sluggo starts sawing Mr. Bill’s left leg.) Ohhhhhhhhh!
Mr. Hands: Oh Mr. Bill, how does that feel?
Mr. Bill: I don’t think I can walk anymore.
Mr. Hands: Here come on try standing up Mr. Bill.
Mr. Bill: No I don’t think I can. (Mr. Hands sets Mr. Bill up and Mr. Bill falls forward) Oh my face ohhhh!
Mr. Hands: Oh Mr. Bill. Mr. Bill’s going on a deep sea adventure now. (Places Mr. Bill in a pot of water.) Want to come out Mr. Bill? (takes Mr. Bill out and Mr. Bill is choking.) (With a toothbrush) You better brush your teeth, Mr. Bill.
Mr. Bill: Oh no! I don’t do that too well.
Mr. Hands: Come on, let’s brush your teeth real well. (Starts brushing and takes off, Mr. Bill’s left eye,nose and mouth) Clean your breath too. Doesn’t that feel Mr. Bill. Mr. Bill’s going on a sky diving adventure. (Mr. Bill is squeaking now.) It’s okay, I made you a parachute. (places a small red parachute on Mr. Bill’s back) Ready, one, two, three. (raises Mr. Bill high and drops him breaking him apart.)
(Cut to a person wearing a shirt that says “The Mr. Bill Show” and on the back of his jacket.)
(An address card appears)
Don Pardo: If you have a Super 8 or a 16 millimeter home movie, send it to “Home Movies, NBC’s Saturday Night, Box 904, Radio City Station, New York, N.Y. 10019.” And include your name and correct address. There will be no modeteary compensation at all.
(Zoom in on three old people in the audience. SUPER: “Adjust your set if it will make you happy”)
Submitted by: Nick Johnson