SNL Transcripts: Jill Clayburgh: 02/28/76: The Muppets

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 15

75o: Jill Clayburgh / Leon Redbone

The Muppets

…..Jill Clayburgh
…..Chevy Chase

Jill Clayburgh: Uh, the Muppets couldn’t be here tonight – they’re at the Grammys, in California. But they’ll be back, March 13th! And, in the meantime, uh, one of the cast members has volunteered to go on in their place, and perform a little play called “Paying The Milkman.”

[ dissolve to the Land of Gorch set, slow pan upward to reveal two bare hands (one arm in a pink sleeve, the other wearing just a watch) poised like Muppets ]

Wife Hand: Well. goodbye, honey.

Husband Hand: Goodbye, dear. Have a good time in Rochester.

[ they kiss, and the Husband Hand exits stage left ] [ the Wife Hand whistles, as a knock is heard offscreen to the left ]

Wife Hand: Who is it?

Milkman Hand: It’s the milkman!

Wife Hand: Umm.. uh.. I can’t open the door in my underwear.

Milkman Hand: You have a door in your underwear? Let me in, I’ll get in open!

Wife Hand: Well, um.. okay, hold on.

[ Wife Hand moves offscreen to open the door, then re-enters scene ]

Wife Hand: Um.. I, uh..

[ Milkman Hand enters carrying a glass of milk ]

Milkman Hand: Uh.. now, Mrs. Left – just a minute, please, I’ll just put this down here. [ puts the glass of milk down ] I, uh.. I noticed, uh.. you had quite a.. quite a milk bill run up here. Quite a milk bill, indeed.

Wife Hand: Oh. You know, I have no money, and my husband is away on a business trip. How ever will I pay you?

[ Milkman Hand looks around the set inquisitively ]

Milkman Hand: Well, uh.. let’s see. [ bends over in a funny way to gaze at the time on the watch ] I don’t have to be anywhere for ten minutes. Maybe we could just, uh.. kinda get comfortable?

Wife Hand: Now you’re talkin’, fun buns! Let me just slip this off, here.. [ bends down to remove the watch on the Milkman Hand’s wrist, as the Milkman Hand looks around nervously ]

Milkman Hand: Say, uh.. when do you think your husband will be back?

Wife Hand: [ drops below the set ] August.

[ cut to Chevy Chase standing with arms outstretched behind the Land of Gorch set. He lowers his arms and looks nervously toward the camera. ]

Chevy Chase: Uh, and now this week’s film, by a very good friend of mine, uh.. Gary Weis.

[ fade to Gary Weis film ]

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