Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 1: Episode 15
Jill Clayburgh: Uh, the Muppets couldn’t be here tonight – they’re at the Grammys, in California. But they’ll be back, March 13th! And, in the meantime, uh, one of the cast members has volunteered to go on in their place, and perform a little play called “Paying The Milkman.”
[ dissolve to the Land of Gorch set, slow pan upward to reveal two bare hands (one arm in a pink sleeve, the other wearing just a watch) poised like Muppets ]
Wife Hand: Well. goodbye, honey.
Husband Hand: Goodbye, dear. Have a good time in Rochester.
[ they kiss, and the Husband Hand exits stage left ]
[ the Wife Hand whistles, as a knock is heard offscreen to the left ]
Wife Hand: Who is it?
Milkman Hand: It’s the milkman!
Wife Hand: Umm.. uh.. I can’t open the door in my underwear.
Milkman Hand: You have a door in your underwear? Let me in, I’ll get in open!
Wife Hand: Well, um.. okay, hold on.
[ Wife Hand moves offscreen to open the door, then re-enters scene ]
Wife Hand: Um.. I, uh..
[ Milkman Hand enters carrying a glass of milk ]
Milkman Hand: Uh.. now, Mrs. Left – just a minute, please, I’ll just put this down here. [ puts the glass of milk down ] I, uh.. I noticed, uh.. you had quite a.. quite a milk bill run up here. Quite a milk bill, indeed.
Wife Hand: Oh. You know, I have no money, and my husband is away on a business trip. How ever will I pay you?
[ Milkman Hand looks around the set inquisitively ]
Milkman Hand: Well, uh.. let’s see. [ bends over in a funny way to gaze at the time on the watch ] I don’t have to be anywhere for ten minutes. Maybe we could just, uh.. kinda get comfortable?
Wife Hand: Now you’re talkin’, fun buns! Let me just slip this off, here.. [ bends down to remove the watch on the Milkman Hand’s wrist, as the Milkman Hand looks around nervously ]
Milkman Hand: Say, uh.. when do you think your husband will be back?
Wife Hand: [ drops below the set ] August.
[ cut to Chevy Chase standing with arms outstretched behind the Land of Gorch set. He lowers his arms and looks nervously toward the camera. ]
Chevy Chase: Uh, and now this week’s film, by a very good friend of mine, uh.. Gary Weis.
[ fade to Gary Weis film ]