SNL Transcripts: Jill Clayburgh: 02/28/76: The Muppets


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 15

75o: Jill Clayburgh / Leon Redbone

The Muppets

…..Jill Clayburgh
…..Chevy Chase

Jill Clayburgh: Uh, the Muppets couldn’t be here tonight – they’re at the Grammys, in California. But they’ll be back, March 13th! And, in the meantime, uh, one of the cast members has volunteered to go on in their place, and perform a little play called “Paying The Milkman.”

[ dissolve to the Land of Gorch set, slow pan upward to reveal two bare hands (one arm in a pink sleeve, the other wearing just a watch) poised like Muppets ]

Wife Hand: Well. goodbye, honey.

Husband Hand: Goodbye, dear. Have a good time in Rochester.

[ they kiss, and the Husband Hand exits stage left ] [ the Wife Hand whistles, as a knock is heard offscreen to the left ]

Wife Hand: Who is it?

Milkman Hand: It’s the milkman!

Wife Hand: Umm.. uh.. I can’t open the door in my underwear.

Milkman Hand: You have a door in your underwear? Let me in, I’ll get in open!

Wife Hand: Well, um.. okay, hold on.

[ Wife Hand moves offscreen to open the door, then re-enters scene ]

Wife Hand: Um.. I, uh..

[ Milkman Hand enters carrying a glass of milk ]

Milkman Hand: Uh.. now, Mrs. Left – just a minute, please, I’ll just put this down here. [ puts the glass of milk down ] I, uh.. I noticed, uh.. you had quite a.. quite a milk bill run up here. Quite a milk bill, indeed.

Wife Hand: Oh. You know, I have no money, and my husband is away on a business trip. How ever will I pay you?

[ Milkman Hand looks around the set inquisitively ]

Milkman Hand: Well, uh.. let’s see. [ bends over in a funny way to gaze at the time on the watch ] I don’t have to be anywhere for ten minutes. Maybe we could just, uh.. kinda get comfortable?

Wife Hand: Now you’re talkin’, fun buns! Let me just slip this off, here.. [ bends down to remove the watch on the Milkman Hand’s wrist, as the Milkman Hand looks around nervously ]

Milkman Hand: Say, uh.. when do you think your husband will be back?

Wife Hand: [ drops below the set ] August.

[ cut to Chevy Chase standing with arms outstretched behind the Land of Gorch set. He lowers his arms and looks nervously toward the camera. ]

Chevy Chase: Uh, and now this week’s film, by a very good friend of mine, uh.. Gary Weis.

[ fade to Gary Weis film ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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