SNL Transcripts: Jill Clayburgh: 02/28/76: The Restaurant


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 15

75o: Jill Clayburgh / Leon Redbone

The Restaurant

Woman…..Jill Clayburgh
Man…..Chevy Chase

[ open on a couple sitting at a table in a dark restaurant, illuminated only by the candle on their table. The man appears to be deep in thought, with his hand resting upon his chin, as his date stares at him lovingly ]

Woman: What are you thinking about?

Man: [ looking up ] Hmm? Nothing.

Woman: Ohh.. When you sit there with that look on your face, you must be thinking about something.

Man: Well.. if I am, I guess I’m thinking about a million things at once.

Woman: Like what?

Man: Well.. like the music, what I ordered for dinner, what we did tonight.. what I’m gonna do tomorrow.

Woman: Don’t you ever think about me?

Man: Of course, I do. I’m thinking about you right now.

Woman: What are you thinking about me?

Man: Well, uh.. I was thinking: “I wonder what she’s thinking about?”

Woman: Nothing else?

Man: Well, I was thinking.. how much I love you.

Woman: How much do you love me?

Man: I love you a lot.

Woman: How much do you love me?

Man: I love you a real lot.

Woman: Ohh. Well, why do you love me?

Man: Why do I love you?

Woman: Yes. Why do you love me?

Man: Well.. because you’re a wonderful person. And, uh —

Woman: Well, what makes me so wonderful that you love me so much?

Man: Well, you’re inquisitive. Always wondering, asking questions. You have a funny way of brushing your hair in the morning.

Woman: Oh.

Man: You like Grape-Nuts. The way you can’t stand wrinkles in the rug.

Woman: Oh, that’s sweet!

Man: You think so?

Woman: [ cheerily ] Yes!

Man: What are you thinking about?

Woman: Oh.. warthogs.

[ cut immediately to her thoughts – warthogs trotting around a dirt field over a soundtrack of wild calliope music ] [ dissolve to pan to audience member, with SUPER: “John Beresford Tifton” ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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