Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 1: Episode 15
Weekend Update with Chevy Chase
Emily Litella…..Gilda Radner
Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update with Chevy Chase.”
Chevy Chase: [ into phone ] Yeah. No, no, no — First, you fill your mouth with hot water, and then you uase the ice cubes, and then you alternate — [ he looks up and sees the camera ] I-I gotta go. [ he hangs up ]
Good evening, I’m Chevy Chase and… you can’t!
Our top story tonight: President Ford squeaked by Ronald Reagan in the New Hampshire primary this week. For a live report, let’s go now to Laraine Newman in New Hampshire.[ cut to Laraine Newman standing in a snow-covered field ]
Laraine Newman: Chevy, the primary was officially over on Tuesday, and the candidates have all left. Also, officials say that the New Hampshire voters have packed and moved to Massachusetts to vote in that primary next Tuesday. Laraine Newman, reporting.[ return to Chevy at the desk ]
Chevy Chase: [ he shakes his head ] After his plurality victory in New Hampshire this week, former jovernor — governor George — Georgia governor Jimmy Carter! Former George — [ the audience laughs and claps ] Former Georgia governor Jimmy Carter was asked when he would start getting more specific on the issues. Carter said, “Perhaps sometime in the near future.”
Democratic presidential hopeful Birch Bayh finished a weak third in the New Hampshire primary. He is pictured here at a recent rally, handing out chunks of snow.
President Nixon was formally pardoned for all Watergate crimes today by the Peoples Republic of China. Honoring the ailing former leader, the Chinese have named a new dish after Mr. Nixon, called, of course, Sweet and Sour Dick. [ the audience cheers ] Mr. Nixon responded after dinner, by replying: “I am greatly moved. You know, Mr. Premier, at any moment I could go into the other room, press a button, and 20 minutes later 60 million people would be dead.” He was led away in tears, shown the Great Wall, and put on a slow barge up the Chinese River without a paddle.
Following leaks to the press over recent CIA activity, newsman Daniel Schorr was suspended by CBS and forced to have his lips epoxied together.
After a lengthy and tiring conference in Geneva, members from some 35 nations including England, France, Germany, the United States, Russia and Red China.
The trial of Patricia Hearst continues in San Francisco. For a direct report, let’s go now to correspondent Harland Collins.[ cut to a close-up of an artist’s pad as he skeches crude photos from the trial ] [ SUPER: “ARTIST’S RENDERING” ]
Voiceover: Patricia Hearst was never a member of the Symbionese Liberation Army. Once she raised her fist to the guerillas soon after her capture, it was a “classic case of compliance and profound confusion.” Dr. Robert J. Lipton testified to the defense today. Clifton, one of the country’s leading experts on persusasive coercion and thought control — brainwashing — said that Ms. Hearst cannot, at 19, not yet formed as an adult, vulnerable to every kind of fear, was more susceptible to coercion than anyone out of hundreds of persons being studied in the last 26 years.[ return to Chevy at the desk, pinching his nose as he speaks ]
Chevy Chase: This is Harland Collins, reporting.[ Chevy releases his nose and looks curiously at the audience ]
This just in from Spain: A medical team have announced that Generalissimo Francisco Franco is still valiantly holding on in his fight to remain dead.
The Ideal Toy Company has recently introduced a new doll named “Joey”. Named after the grandson of TV’s Archie Bunker, it is the first anatomically correct baby doll — that is, it has a male sex organ. While the toy company will only market White dolls, Mattel Toys has both a White and Black version of the doll. Both are reported to be anatomically accurate, and the dolls will be priced accordingly — the White doll sells for $6; the Black doll for $26.85.
After a record five years, four months, and twenty-seven days in space, four American astronauts were picked up in the Indian Ocean by a Spanish fishing troller, after having floated in their capsule for another record forty-one days. NASA officials apologized publicly, saying they had forgotten about the men more than two years ago, and asked for their names.
Well, a gigantic concord with a 125-foot wingspan, said to be the largest ever spotted by ornothologists, flew over the nation’s capitol yesterday and left a dropping on the Washington Monument. FAA officials will study the sample in an effort to decide whether the flight of these birds might effect the ozone layer or cause noise and/or environmental pollution.
Now living in a home for retired sailors near Marblehead, Massachusetts, Popeye celebrated his 93rd birthday yesterday. According to his doctor, it now takes the one-time cartoon figure three cans of spinach just to cut the cheese.
Still to come: Gerald Ford takes a flying lesson, after this message.[ dissolve to H&L Brock ad parody ] [ dissolve back to Chevy at the desk ]
Chevy Chase: Mikados, Greece: In going through the personal papers of the late Aristotle Onassis, an attorney has discovered a second will and testement, postdating the original. In this new will, Onassis inexplicably left his entire $3 billion fortune and shipping empire to singer Roy Clark.
Right now, here to reply to a Weekend Update editorial is Miss Emily Litella. Emily?
Emily Litella: What is all this fuss I hear about the Supreme Court’s decision on a DEAF penalty?! It’s terrible!! Deaf people have enough problems as it is! I know I myself occasionally have difficulty with my hearing — but that doesn’t mean I want to be punished for it! And what do they do to them, anyway? Shout nasty things at them behind their back? You mark my words: If we start punishing deaf people, they’ll get back at us! They’ll close their eyes when we talk to them and they won’t be able to see a thing we’re saying!! I say, instead of making deafness a penalty, we ought to start doing NICE things for them. Like talking louder. [ shouting ] YOU HEAR ME?!! CAN ANYBODY HEAR ME OUT THERE?!!
Chevy Chase: I’m sorry, Miss Litella. That’s death penalty. Death penalty.
Emily Litella: [ confused ] What?
Chevy Chase: The editorial was about the Supreme Court’s decision on the death penalty — not deaf penalty. Death penalty.
Emily Litella: Oh. Well, that’s very different.
Chevy Chase: Yes.
Emily Litella: [ she smiles ] Never mind!
Chevy Chase: More in on that late story: After a lengthy and tiring conference in Geneva, members from some 35 nations including England, France, Germany, the United States, Russia and Red China.
Well, Barry Goldwater was executed by a bicentennial firing squad today, in Bosco, Arizona. It was reported that his last words were: “By the time I get to Phoenix, I’ll be rising.”
Chevy Chase: And that’s the news tonight. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.