SNL Transcripts: Ron Nessen: 4/17/76

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 17


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April 17th, 1976

Ron Nessen

Patti Smith Group

Bill Crystal

President Gerald Ford

Neil Levy

Tom Davis

Al Franken

Michael O’Donoghue

Tom Schiller

Alan Zweibel



Season 1: Order Now! The Dead String Quartet IISummary: Members of the Dead String Quartet (John Belushi, Laraine Newman, Garrett Morris, Chevy Chase) give a silent performance punctuated by their keeling over onto one another.

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Montage

Ron Nessen’s MonologueSummary: Ron Nessen comically details his job as President Ford’s press secretary, then is promptly fired over the phone by his Commander-in-Chief.

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Super Bass-O-Matic ’76Summary: Pitchman (Dan Aykroyd) advocates an easier way to enjoy the taste of bass.

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Ford/NessenSummary: Ron Nessen talks President Gerald Ford (Chevy Chase) into allowing him to host “Saturday Night Live” this week.

Recurring Characters: President Gerald Ford.

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Jam HawkersSummary: With tasteless and obscene names like Fluckers and Monkey Pus, these have to be the best jams on the market!

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Patti Smith Group performs “Gloria”

Press Secretaries Through HistorySummary: Catherine the Great’s press secretary, Leonid Pushnev (Ron Nessen), gives a briefing upon her death.

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Lie Detector TestSummary: Julie Nixon (Gilda Radner) uses a lie detector to test David Eisenhower’s (Dan Aykroyd) loyalty to her family.

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The New ArmySummary: Pot-smoking Lt. Col. Scott Shuman (John Belushi) promotes the new Army for today’s counterculture youth.

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Weekend Update with Chevy ChaseSummary: Laraine Newman interviews Generallisimo Francisco Franco’s press secretary (Ron Nessen), regarding the current state of his death. Emily Litella (Gilda Radner) discusses “presidential erections”.

Recurring Characters: Emily Litella.

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Up Against the WallpaperSummary: Jerry Rubin pitches grafitti wallpaper.

Note: Repeat from 10/18/75.

GarbageSummary: Gary Weis explores the world of waste management in New York.

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Autumn FizzSummary: Fashionably chic woman (Gilda Radner) uses the carbonated douche.

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TomorrowSummary: Manic Tom Snyder (Dan Aykroyd) interviews Ron Nessen about life in the Ford White House.

Recurring Characters: Tom Snyder.

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Singing at the UrinalSummary: A trio of men sing while using the urinals in a film by David Massar.

Press Secretaries Through HistorySummary: Oedipus’ press secretary, Julius Marcellis (Ron Nessen), gives a briefing regarding the new queen.

Supreme Court Spot CheckSummary: Members of the Supreme Court (John Belushi, Dan Aykroyd, Al Franken, Tom Davis, Alan Zweibel, Tom Schiller, Garrett Morris, Michael O’Donoghue, Neil Levy) monitor the sexual behavior of a cohabitating couple (Chevy Chase, Jane Curtin).

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Press Secretaries Through HistorySummary: Thomas Jefferson’s press secretary, John Quincy Ross (Ron Nessen), gives a briefing regarding Jefferson’s non-slaves.

Billy Crystal Stand-UpSummary: Billy Crystal performs a stand-up monologue about a jazz musician he knew while growing up.

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Try-Hard 1-11Summary: A battery strong enough to run a pacemaker all night.

Note: Repeat from 10/18/75.

MisconceptionsSummary: A dramatization proves that too many cooks don’t really spoil the broth.

Patti Smith Group performs “My Generation”

Goodnights

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