Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 1: Episode 17
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Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:Cameos:Bit Players:
April 17th, 1976
Ron Nessen
Patti Smith Group
Bill Crystal
President Gerald Ford
Neil Levy
Tom Davis
Al Franken
Michael O’Donoghue
Tom Schiller
Alan Zweibel
Season 1: Order Now!
The Dead String Quartet II
Summary: Members of the Dead String Quartet (John Belushi, Laraine Newman, Garrett Morris, Chevy Chase) give a silent performance punctuated by their keeling over onto one another.
Transcript
Montage
Ron Nessen’s Monologue
Summary: Ron Nessen comically details his job as President Ford’s press secretary, then is promptly fired over the phone by his Commander-in-Chief.
Transcript
Super Bass-O-Matic ’76
Summary: Pitchman (Dan Aykroyd) advocates an easier way to enjoy the taste of bass.
Transcript
Ford/Nessen
Summary: Ron Nessen talks President Gerald Ford (Chevy Chase) into allowing him to host “Saturday Night Live” this week.
Recurring Characters: President Gerald Ford.
Transcript
Jam Hawkers
Summary: With tasteless and obscene names like Fluckers and Monkey Pus, these have to be the best jams on the market!
Transcript
Patti Smith Group performs “Gloria”
Press Secretaries Through History
Summary: Catherine the Great’s press secretary, Leonid Pushnev (Ron Nessen), gives a briefing upon her death.
Transcript
Lie Detector Test
Summary: Julie Nixon (Gilda Radner) uses a lie detector to test David Eisenhower’s (Dan Aykroyd) loyalty to her family.
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The New Army
Summary: Pot-smoking Lt. Col. Scott Shuman (John Belushi) promotes the new Army for today’s counterculture youth.
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Weekend Update with Chevy Chase
Summary: Laraine Newman interviews Generallisimo Francisco Franco’s press secretary (Ron Nessen), regarding the current state of his death. Emily Litella (Gilda Radner) discusses “presidential erections”.
Recurring Characters: Emily Litella.
Transcript
Up Against the Wallpaper
Summary: Jerry Rubin pitches grafitti wallpaper.
Note: Repeat from 10/18/75.
Garbage
Summary: Gary Weis explores the world of waste management in New York.
Transcript
Autumn Fizz
Summary: Fashionably chic woman (Gilda Radner) uses the carbonated douche.
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Tomorrow
Summary: Manic Tom Snyder (Dan Aykroyd) interviews Ron Nessen about life in the Ford White House.
Recurring Characters: Tom Snyder.
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Singing at the Urinal
Summary: A trio of men sing while using the urinals in a film by David Massar.
Press Secretaries Through History
Summary: Oedipus’ press secretary, Julius Marcellis (Ron Nessen), gives a briefing regarding the new queen.
Supreme Court Spot Check
Summary: Members of the Supreme Court (John Belushi, Dan Aykroyd, Al Franken, Tom Davis, Alan Zweibel, Tom Schiller, Garrett Morris, Michael O’Donoghue, Neil Levy) monitor the sexual behavior of a cohabitating couple (Chevy Chase, Jane Curtin).
Transcript
Press Secretaries Through History
Summary: Thomas Jefferson’s press secretary, John Quincy Ross (Ron Nessen), gives a briefing regarding Jefferson’s non-slaves.
Billy Crystal Stand-Up
Summary: Billy Crystal performs a stand-up monologue about a jazz musician he knew while growing up.
Transcript
Try-Hard 1-11
Summary: A battery strong enough to run a pacemaker all night.
Note: Repeat from 10/18/75.
Misconceptions
Summary: A dramatization proves that too many cooks don’t really spoil the broth.
Patti Smith Group performs “My Generation”
Goodnights
