Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 1: Episode 17
Written by: Michael O’Donoghue
Jane Curtin: . . . And so, with a name like Fluckers, its got to be good
Chevy Chase: Hey, hold on a second, I have a jam here called Nose Hair. Now with a name like Nose Hair, you can imagine how good it must be. MMM MMM!!
Dan Aykroyd: Hold it a minute folks, but are you familiar with a jam called Death Camp? Thats Death Camp! Just look for the barbed wire on the label. With a name like Death Camp it must be so good its incredible! Just amazingly good jam!
John Belushi: Wait a minute . . . Dog Vomit, Monkey Pus. We offer you a choice of two of the most repulsive brand names of jams youve ever heard of. With names like these, this stuff has got to be terrific. Were talking fabulous jam here!
Chevy Chase: Save your breath fella! Heres a new jam weve just put out. Its called Painful Rectal Itch. Youd have to go a long way to find a worse name for a jam. And good? MMM WAH! With a name like Painful Rectal Itch you gotta bet that its great . . .
Dan Aykroyd: Mangled Baby Ducks. Thats right, Mangled Baby Ducks! Picture a jam so good that youd dare to call it Mangled Baby Ducks! Great Jam! Its beautiful jam!
John Belushi: Wait a minute, wait a minute, this is it – 10,000 Nuns and Orphans.
Jane Curtin: 10,000 Nuns and Orphans? Whats so bad about that?
John Belushi: They were all eaten by rats! Oh, its so good! MMM!
Garrett Morris: Hold it, hold it everyone, your attention please, I have here a jam called, Oh God, [mumbles] Ick! Yecch!
Dan Aykroyd: Its so good its sick making!
Chevy Chase: Oh, thats gotta be great jam!
Jane Curtin: So if its great jam youre after, try this one, the brand so disgusting you cant say it on television. Ask for it by name!
Submitted by: Lisa Kemper