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Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 1: Episode 17
Lie Detector Test
Julie Nixon…..Gilda Radner
David Eisenhower…..Dan Aykroyd
Julie Nixon V/O: Alright, David, are you ready to get started?
David Eisenhower V/O: Yes! I’m ready to get started!
Julie Nixon V/O: Alright. Now: Is it true that your name is David Eisenhower?
David Eisenhower V/O: [ annoyed ] Julie, why can’t you just trust me? Why do I have to take a lie detector test?! Why couldn’t I just —
Julie Nixon V/O: David, just answer Yes or No!
David Eisenhower V/O: [ irritably ] Yes! My name is David Eisenhower!
Julie Nixon V/O: Is it true that you’re 29 years old?
David Eisenhower V/O: Yes!
Julie Nixon V/O: Is it true that you’re the son-in-law of Richard Nixon?
David Eisenhower V/O: Yes!
Julie Nixon V/O: And is it true that you were privy to a lot of family secrets during my father’s term in office?
David Eisenhower V/O: Well, sure! But I —
Julie Nixon V/O: Do you know Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein of the Washington Post?
David Eisenhower V/O: Yeah. But I know a LOT of reporters!
Julie Nixon V/O: Did you ever tell them that Daddy was going bananas?
David Eisenhower V/O: NO!
[ the needles jump slightly ]Julie Nixon V/O: Did you ever tell them that Dad used to say “Good night” to the portraits hanging in the White House?
David Eisenhower V/O: [ innocently ] Did he do that?
Julie Nixon V/O: [ sternly ] Yes or No, David!
David Eisenhower V/O: No! Never!
Julie Nixon V/O: Did you ever tell them that Daddy and Mommy never — well… you know — for fourteen years?
David Eisenhower V/O: [ aggravated ] Didn’t what for fourteen years?!
Julie Nixon V/O: Well… what you and I did on our honeymoon.
David Eisenhower V/O: [ thinking ] Watched “Adam-12”?
Julie Nixon V/O: Noooo. After that! At night. You remember.
David Eisenhower V/O: Gosh… no. I wouldn’t tell anybody anything like that.
[ the needles jump higher ]David Eisenhower V/O: H-how’m I doing?
Julie Nixon V/O: Fine.
David Eisenhower V/O: Good!
Julie Nixon V/O: Alright, one more question.
David Eisenhower V/O: [ relieved ] Only one more? That’s too bad! This is fun!
[ the needles jump slightly ]Julie Nixon V/O: David… do you want a divorce?
David Eisenhower V/O: No.
[ the needles jump, roughing up some of the edges of the printout ]Julie Nixon V/O: You twerp. We could never get divorced, anyway.
David Eisenhower V/O: Why not?
Julie Nixon V/O: It would be terrible for Daddy’s image.
[ fade ]