SNL Transcripts: Ron Nessen: 04/17/76: Lie Detector Test


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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 17

75q: Ron Nessen / Patti Smith

Lie Detector Test

Julie Nixon…..Gilda Radner
David Eisenhower…..Dan Aykroyd

[ open on close-up of polygraph machine ]

Julie Nixon V/O: Alright, David, are you ready to get started?

David Eisenhower V/O: Yes! I’m ready to get started!

Julie Nixon V/O: Alright. Now: Is it true that your name is David Eisenhower?

David Eisenhower V/O: [ annoyed ] Julie, why can’t you just trust me? Why do I have to take a lie detector test?! Why couldn’t I just —

Julie Nixon V/O: David, just answer Yes or No!

David Eisenhower V/O: [ irritably ] Yes! My name is David Eisenhower!

Julie Nixon V/O: Is it true that you’re 29 years old?

David Eisenhower V/O: Yes!

Julie Nixon V/O: Is it true that you’re the son-in-law of Richard Nixon?

David Eisenhower V/O: Yes!

Julie Nixon V/O: And is it true that you were privy to a lot of family secrets during my father’s term in office?

David Eisenhower V/O: Well, sure! But I —

Julie Nixon V/O: Do you know Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein of the Washington Post?

David Eisenhower V/O: Yeah. But I know a LOT of reporters!

Julie Nixon V/O: Did you ever tell them that Daddy was going bananas?

David Eisenhower V/O: NO!

[ the needles jump slightly ]

Julie Nixon V/O: Did you ever tell them that Dad used to say “Good night” to the portraits hanging in the White House?

David Eisenhower V/O: [ innocently ] Did he do that?

Julie Nixon V/O: [ sternly ] Yes or No, David!

David Eisenhower V/O: No! Never!

[ the needles jump a little higher ]

Julie Nixon V/O: Did you ever tell them that Daddy and Mommy never — well… you know — for fourteen years?

David Eisenhower V/O: [ aggravated ] Didn’t what for fourteen years?!

Julie Nixon V/O: Well… what you and I did on our honeymoon.

David Eisenhower V/O: [ thinking ] Watched “Adam-12”?

Julie Nixon V/O: Noooo. After that! At night. You remember.

David Eisenhower V/O: Gosh… no. I wouldn’t tell anybody anything like that.

[ the needles jump higher ]

David Eisenhower V/O: H-how’m I doing?

Julie Nixon V/O: Fine.

David Eisenhower V/O: Good!

Julie Nixon V/O: Alright, one more question.

David Eisenhower V/O: [ relieved ] Only one more? That’s too bad! This is fun!

[ the needles jump slightly ]

Julie Nixon V/O: David… do you want a divorce?

David Eisenhower V/O: No.

[ the needles jump, roughing up some of the edges of the printout ]

Julie Nixon V/O: You twerp. We could never get divorced, anyway.

David Eisenhower V/O: Why not?

Julie Nixon V/O: It would be terrible for Daddy’s image.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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