SNL Transcripts: Ron Nessen: 04/17/76: The New Army

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 17

75q: Ron Nessen / Patti Smith

The New Army

Lt. Col. Scott Shuman…..John Belushi

[ open on The Army’s “We Want You” poster, with Captain Kirk’s head in place of Uncle Sam’s ] [ pan down to Lt. Col. Scott Shuman with headphones on, playing air guitar in his chair ]

Lt. Col. Scott Shuman: Hi! I’m Lt. Col. Scott Shuman! Hi! Oh. [ he removes his headphones ] Oh, I’m sorry. Hi. I’m Lt. Col. Scott Shuman, with a word about today’s New Army. You know, today’s Army sure has gone through a lot of changes from when your old man was into it.

[ he notices a bag of marijuana on his desk, and promptly scrapes it away ]

Oh… I’m sorry.

[ he takes a final drag on a joint on his desk, then pushes it to the floor and continues ]

‘Cause now — now — it’s an all volunteer Army. I mean… you don’t have to be there, if you don’t want to. I mean, if you don’t want to… that’s cool. Uh, you have your own life to lead… you have stuff to do. But so do we. [ suggestively ] The BEST stuff an Army helicopter can carry in from all over the world!

And you know —

[ he jerks around, paranoid that someone is behind him ]

Uh — and you know, the New Army is the armed forces’ real high. If you get into things like air defense artillery, you get a personal set of heat-seeking laser weapons… plus, like, a whole bunch of missiles… radar trackers… anti-aircraft systems — all on WHEELS, maaaan! You can even be a paratrooper! And that’s the most fun you can have with your pants on. Believe me, I know, man!

So… [ he picks up his headphones and places them over his ears ] join today’s Army. Because… every burst of gunfire has all the colors in the rainbow.

[ he leans back in his chair, falling backward ]

Announcer: [ over SUPER: ] “The New Army. A Joint Venture That WAnts To Join You.”

[ fade ]

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