SNL Transcripts: Ron Nessen: 04/17/76: The New Army


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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 17

75q: Ron Nessen / Patti Smith

The New Army

Lt. Col. Scott Shuman…..John Belushi

[ open on The Army’s “We Want You” poster, with Captain Kirk’s head in place of Uncle Sam’s ] [ pan down to Lt. Col. Scott Shuman with headphones on, playing air guitar in his chair ]

Lt. Col. Scott Shuman: Hi! I’m Lt. Col. Scott Shuman! Hi! Oh. [ he removes his headphones ] Oh, I’m sorry. Hi. I’m Lt. Col. Scott Shuman, with a word about today’s New Army. You know, today’s Army sure has gone through a lot of changes from when your old man was into it.

[ he notices a bag of marijuana on his desk, and promptly scrapes it away ]

Oh… I’m sorry.

[ he takes a final drag on a joint on his desk, then pushes it to the floor and continues ]

‘Cause now — now — it’s an all volunteer Army. I mean… you don’t have to be there, if you don’t want to. I mean, if you don’t want to… that’s cool. Uh, you have your own life to lead… you have stuff to do. But so do we. [ suggestively ] The BEST stuff an Army helicopter can carry in from all over the world!

And you know —

[ he jerks around, paranoid that someone is behind him ]

Uh — and you know, the New Army is the armed forces’ real high. If you get into things like air defense artillery, you get a personal set of heat-seeking laser weapons… plus, like, a whole bunch of missiles… radar trackers… anti-aircraft systems — all on WHEELS, maaaan! You can even be a paratrooper! And that’s the most fun you can have with your pants on. Believe me, I know, man!

So… [ he picks up his headphones and places them over his ears ] join today’s Army. Because… every burst of gunfire has all the colors in the rainbow.

[ he leans back in his chair, falling backward ]

Announcer: [ over SUPER: ] “The New Army. A Joint Venture That WAnts To Join You.”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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