SNL Transcripts: Ron Nessen: 04/17/76: Weekend Update with Chevy Chase


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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 17

75q: Ron Nessen / Patti Smith

Weekend Update with Chevy Chase

…..Chevy Chase
…..Laraine Newman
Mr. Boyardee…..Ron Nessen
Emily Litella…..Gilda Radner

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update” with Chevy Chase.

Chevy Chase: [ into phone ] Don’t be silly. I don’t care if you go out with him. Just don’t touch him there. [ he looks up to see the camera on him ] Gotta go! [ he hangs up ] Good evening. I’m Chevy Chase, and you’re not.

[ cut to pre-taped footage of President Gerald R. Ford ]

President Gerald R. Ford: Good evening. I’m Gerald Ford, and you’re not.

[ cut back to Chase, shaking his head ]

Chevy Chase: That late-breaking story, just out of Washington. Doctors say the President is almost completely over his identity crisis, but should continue the therapy daily.

In a related story, a reporter from Underachievers Weekly interviewed Gerald R. Ford the other day and asked him what the “R” stood for. The President replied, quickly, “That’s simple — the “R” is there to separate my first name from my last name.”

Funeral services for billionaire recluse Howard Hughes have taken place in Houston, Texas. Due to his complicated tax structure, Hughes was buried along with three Internal Revenue agents assigned to continue the IRS investigation. Rumors have been denied at the highest level that the billionaire has left a wake-up call for early July.

And it was disclosed late today that Hughes’ will has been discovered, and that, inexplicably, he left his entire estate to movie actor Warren Beatty.

Still battling over the connatations derived by the press over his use of the term “ethnic purity”, Jimmy Carter, today, denied that he was only referring to Arayan and Nordic neighborhoods. He says he is firing his speechwriter, Bernie Goebbels, at a campaign rally in Poland, Pennsylvania. The former governor appeared optimistic about the outcome of the next primary, saying, “Today, Poland; tomorrow, the world.”

Meanwhile, the candidate’s brother, Ruben “Hurricane” Carter, said he is ready to endorse his fraternal twin, and, as a show of good faith, will dye his head for Easter.

Doing his bit to aid the nation’s fuel shortage, President Ford, this morning, left the Andrews Air Force Base on foot.

Sen. Fred Harris, of Oklahoma, announced at a press conference last Thursday that he is ending his active campaign for the Democratic nomination. Aides complained that Harris had not received the same amount of news coverage as other candidates. Later, he was asked by the press who he was and what he wanted there.

Henry Jackson, today, insisted that he is not boring, and will continue to not be boring in the future. He is seen here demonstrating his charisma by holding a cabbage.

Well, in San Clemente, former President Nixon is hard at work writing his memoirs, to be published in 1977 in a two-volume set. In the first volume, he will tell the whole story, and, in the second volume, he will deny it.

Here is a just released photograph — taken the night before he resigned — of former President Nixon and his former dog, Tricky. After thinking about it for eighteen months, President Ford has issued a full pardon for the dog.

Chevy Chase: Well, the political shake-up in Spain continues, following the death earlier this year of Generallisimo Francisco Franco. For a live report, let’s go now to Madrid, and correspondent Laraine Newman.

[ cut to Laraine standing with FRanco’s press secretary in front of a cathedral ]

Laraine Newman: Chevy, I’m standing with the press secretary to the late Generallisimo Francisco Franco, who has just had a press conference, in which he made what he considers to be an important statement. Mr. Boyardee?

Mr. Boyardee: Well, I have simply stated to the press, as I have in the past, that the Generallisimo’s condition is still very grave. BUT — and I would like to emphasize this — it is stable, at this time.

Laraine Newman: Mr. Boyardee, uh — Franco is dead, is he not?

Mr. Boyardee: Uh, yes. He is. Uh — but I didn’t say that he wasn’t dead. I just said he was stable.

Laraine Newman: Well, do you foresee any modification in his attitudes?

Mr. Boyardee: Uh, no. I, uh, don’t think there’s going to be any changes in his condition.

Laraine Newman: Mr. Press Secretary, I’ve noticed that you have no detectable accent.

Mr. Boyardee: Yes. Uh, that is correct. And neither does the Generallisimo.

Laraine Newman: I see. Back to you, Chevy.

[ return to Chase ]

Chevy Chase: Laraine Newman.

SLA member Emily Harris is reported to be in satisfactory condition in a California hospital, after suffering what doctors call a spontaneous pneumocerobrosis. Or, a collapsed brain.

Ronald Reagan said today that since Red Dye #2 is considered suspicious by the Federal Drug Administration — [ he stops ] Food & Drug Administration — he is willing to try regular coffee on his hair instead.

And, in sports, Honest Pleasure said Thursday that he feels strongly he’s an easy winner in the Kentucky Derby this year.

Chevy Chase: Still to come: Boy dynamites Easter Bunny, after this filmed message.

[ fade out to Up Against the Wallpaper, then fade back ]

Chevy Chase: California penal authorities have announced the release from prison of Charles Manson, saying that Manson is now completely rehabilitated, and is no threat to society unless society crosses his path.

“Weekend Update” recognizes its responsibility to present responsible opposing viewpoints to our editorials. Here, with an editiorial reply, is Miss Emily Litella.

Emily Litella: What’s all this fuss I’ve been hearing about the 1976 presidential erection? Now, I know they erected a monument for Mr. Lincoln and President Washington, but that’s because they’re DEAD! Hopefully, the 1976 President won’t be DEAD! So he won’t NEED an erection! If Americans are going to spend money to erectanything, why don’t we tear down those nasty slums and erect luxury high rises for poor people and seniorcitizens! Not for presidents who can afford to pay for their OWN erections!

Chevy Chase: Miss Litella —

Emily Litella: I can’t believe the way things are turning out in this country — what?

Chevy Chase: I’m sorry. That’s election. The editorial was about the presidential election, not the presidential erection. Election.

Emily Litella: Oh, that’s very different.

Chevy Chase: Yes.

Emily Litella: [ smiling ] Never mind.

Chevy Chase: And that’s the news. Good night. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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