Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 1: Episode 18
Great Moments In Herstory
Jane Russell…..Raquel Welch Howard Hguhes…..Dan Aykroyd Skip Dixon…..Garrett Morris
Announcer: [ over title card ] “Great Moments In Herstory”.
[ dissolve to close-up of haystack ]
Female Announcer: [ over text ] “It is the autumn of 1941. Jane Russell is cast in Howard Hughes’ motion picture “The Outlaw.” The mysterious billionaire aviation pioneer proves to her that his skill for design and invention is not only limited to flight aerodynamics.”
[ camera pans over to Jane Russell seated in front of the haystack ]
Jane Russell: Mr. Hughes — Howard — I’ve been waiting three hours and fifteen minutes. If you’re not out here in 10 seconds, you’ll be flying solo tonight!
Voice: Jane! It’s me, Howard. Guess what? Guess what?! Guess what!
Jane Russell: What?!
[ Hughes steps forward ]
Howard Hughes: I’m right here.
Jane Russell: Listen, Boss — you’d better pull this movie together. First you fired the director, hire yourself, then you don’t show up on the set for three weeks. You’re the most unprofessional Texas billionaire I’ve ever met.
Howard Hughes: [ grabbing her waist ] I love you, Jane! I love you! I love you! I have personally attained a land-speed of 565 miles-per-hour. Kiss me, baby!
[ Hughes holds a handkerchief between their lips and kisses Russell, then tosse the handkerchief over his shoulder ]
Jane Russell: Look — I’ve put in a lot of flying time with you, buddy, and you said you’d make me into a big star! Well, I want OUT of this cheap Western!
Howard Hughes: I love you, Jane! And do you know why I love you? I love you because the United States is soon going to be at war with the axis powers, and our love is MUCH more than being able to create a machine gun that can fire 400 rounds of 50-caliber ammunition per second! Ohhh, Jane! Our love is like an industry meeting the needs of war! Sex! War! Sex! War! Sex is what we need to save this picture, Jane!
Jane Russell: Sex? You hermit, I’m Jane Russell! [ she pushes Hughes away ] I’ve got the BEST gazongas in the business!
Howard Hughes: Gazongas. Gazongas! That’s it! A light so powerful, it could deflect off the moon! From relay station to relay station to Earth! Satellites and rockets! Gazongas! Chronic beams bouncing from planet to planet! Gazonga! Gazonga! Our men linked electronically! That’s why I have personally designed a brassiere for you!
Jane Russell: Oh, brother. Well, Boss, I go through bras like you go through socks, so, uh…
Howard Hughes: Well, this one’s going to change the look of women in film, Jane. Skip, bring out the bra! You’re gonna love this one, we’re on our way.
[ Skip wheels out a mechanical bra fitted with propellers ]
Howard Hughes: This is Skip Dixon, my most trusted Mormon welder.
Jane Russell: Howdy.
Howard Hughes: Start it up, Skip!
Skip Dixon: Okay.
[ Skip turns the bra on and the propellers start to spin ]
Howard Hughes: Alright, put it on, honey! [ to Skip ] Cut the motors, cut the motors!
Jane Russell: I can’t wear that thing!
Howard Hughes: Why not? It’s a 72-hour model. Wait’ll you feel the air!
Jane Russell: Well, it hasn’t even been safety-checked yet. My God!
Howard Hughes: Well, then, I’LL put it on! I know this thing is the BEST in its class! I’ve worked DAY and NIGHT to build this thing! Day and night! [ he pulls the bra over his clothes ]
Jane Russell: It needs to be safety-checked, Howard.
Skip Dixon: But, Boss, uh —
Jane Russell: It’s very dangerous, Howard!
Skip Dixon: Uh — uh —
Jane Russell: It could kill us all!
[ Hughes turns the bra on, which causes him to be thrust about the room with the propellers spinning ]
Jane Russell: Oh, my God! Oh!
Skip Dixon: BOSS! BOSS!
Jane Russell: Oh! Oh! Howard!
[ Hughes is wrestled to the ground, as the propellers continue to spin ]
Female Announcer: [ over text ] “Hughes tested the bra unsuccessfully several times. Finally an acceptable model was agreed upon and in 1946 “The Outlaw” was released and Jane Russell became the girl with the golden gazongas.”
[ dissolve to title card ]
Announcer: This has been another “Great Moment in Herstory”.
[ fade ]