SNL Transcripts: Raquel Welch: 04/24/76: The Muppets


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 18

75r: Raquel Welch / John Sebastian

The Muppets

…..Raquel Welch
…..Chevy Chase

[ Backstage… Scred and Ploobis sneak in. ]

Scred: C’mon in, chief, the coast is clear.

Ploobis: Rrruhhr? Yeah. Gee, I wonder why they wouldn’t let us in the studio?

Scred: Mmm, I dunno. Probably the guard just didn’t recognize us.

Ploobis: Well, that’s very strange… cause they all know and love us! Everybody loves the Muppets!

Scred: [ unconvinced ] Mmm hmmm.

Ploobis: Here, listen, Scred — [ He grabs Scred by the neck and throttles him ] — We’re loveable! Never forget that, Scred! Mmmrrmm. [ He releases Scred. ]

Scred: Yes, oh affectionate one!

Ploobis: We’ll just have to find somebody and ask ’em when we come in the show, that’s all.

Scred: Hey, here’s somebody now.

[ Guest host Raquel Welch enters. ]

Raquel Welch: Well, hi there! You’re the Muppets, aren’t you?

Ploobis: Uh, yes, yes! That is indeed us, yes.

Raquel Welch: Oh, I always thought you people were so loveable.

Ploobis: Ya hear that, Scred? [ POW! ] That’s true, lady, yeah. We’re known far and wide for being loveable.

Scred: Hey, chief, that lady is Raquel Welch!

[ Ploobis turns and checks her out. ]

Ploobis: Oh… oh, yeah. Well, uh, ahem. Yeah. You sure are Raquel Welch… all over, aren’t you. Ahmmm.

[ Scred strokes her arm. ]

Scred: Feels like Raquel Welch, too!

Raquel Welch: Careful, there.

Ploobis: Uh. You know, uh. Ahem. You know, we Muppets are very, very loveable. I mean. [ He snuggles up to her. ]

Scred: [ whispering in her ear ] Relax, baby. Relax.

Ploobis: You know, as a matter of fact, until you’ve made it with a Muppet, uh…

[ Applause. Raquel laughs. ]

Raquel Welch: Uh, uh… wait a minute, lover. Are you talking about making love to me?

[ Ploobis and Scred giggle. ]

Ploobis: Well, uh… heh heh…

Raquel Welch: Because — you guys are just puppets, right? I mean, you don’t even exist below the waist.

Ploobis & Scred: Uh… well…

[ They look down, nervously. ]

Raquel Welch: I mean, all you are is the top half of a person, right?

Ploobis: Well, uh… yeah, but, uh…

Raquel Welch: So that kind of makes you just a lot of talk. All talk, right?

Scred: Well, I’m pretty good with my hands!

Raquel Welch: I’ve noticed.

[ Chevy Chase enters. ]

Chevy Chase: Uh… I’m sorry, boys. Ploobis, Scred?

Scred: Yeah?

Chevy Chase: You’re not on this week, I’m sorry.

Ploobis: Yeah, but we’re supposed to be… we work this show…

Chevy Chase: Yeah, I know, but I guess you didn’t get the call. I’m sorry, Raquel — is everything okay?

Raquel Welch: Oh, yeah, it’s okay. They’re just all talk anyway.

Ploobis: Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah? Hunnh. I’m leaving!

[ Ploobis exits. ]

Raquel Welch: Awww…

Scred: Oh, uh… I’m sorry about this, Raquel. And, uh, by the way, I just want to apologize for what I said before, because I can see you get hit on all the time.

Raquel Welch: Yeah, but never by a Muppet before.

Scred: Oh, well, if you’d like my number —

[ Chevy grabs Scred’s snout. ]

Chevy Chase: Scred? Scred? You’re not on this week. Okay?

[ He pushes Scred offstage. ]

Chevy Chase: I’m very sorry about that. They didn’t know, nobody gave them the call — I think the bees or the sharks are on, or something’s on, but you’re doing very well so far, everybody loves the show, the song was great, and uh, all I can say is, relax, and, uh, take your shirt off.

Raquel Welch: Well…

Chevy Chase: Well, Raquel, this is your right as an American. You don’t have to. You don’t have to do that.

Raquel Welch: All right. I don’t have to, right?

Chevy Chase: No, you don’t have to.

Raquel Welch: Cause this is a tasteful show with a lot of class, right?… Now, ladies and gentlemen, I am very pleased to introduce to you a lovely lady, in fact, a genius in the world of contemporary music, Miss Phoebe Snow…

Courtesy of: Tough Pigs Anthology

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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