SNL Transcripts: Raquel Welch: 04/24/76: The Muppets

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 18

75r: Raquel Welch / John Sebastian

The Muppets

…..Raquel Welch
…..Chevy Chase

[ Backstage… Scred and Ploobis sneak in. ]

Scred: C’mon in, chief, the coast is clear.

Ploobis: Rrruhhr? Yeah. Gee, I wonder why they wouldn’t let us in the studio?

Scred: Mmm, I dunno. Probably the guard just didn’t recognize us.

Ploobis: Well, that’s very strange… cause they all know and love us! Everybody loves the Muppets!

Scred: [ unconvinced ] Mmm hmmm.

Ploobis: Here, listen, Scred — [ He grabs Scred by the neck and throttles him ] — We’re loveable! Never forget that, Scred! Mmmrrmm. [ He releases Scred. ]

Scred: Yes, oh affectionate one!

Ploobis: We’ll just have to find somebody and ask ’em when we come in the show, that’s all.

Scred: Hey, here’s somebody now.

[ Guest host Raquel Welch enters. ]

Raquel Welch: Well, hi there! You’re the Muppets, aren’t you?

Ploobis: Uh, yes, yes! That is indeed us, yes.

Raquel Welch: Oh, I always thought you people were so loveable.

Ploobis: Ya hear that, Scred? [ POW! ] That’s true, lady, yeah. We’re known far and wide for being loveable.

Scred: Hey, chief, that lady is Raquel Welch!

[ Ploobis turns and checks her out. ]

Ploobis: Oh… oh, yeah. Well, uh, ahem. Yeah. You sure are Raquel Welch… all over, aren’t you. Ahmmm.

[ Scred strokes her arm. ]

Scred: Feels like Raquel Welch, too!

Raquel Welch: Careful, there.

Ploobis: Uh. You know, uh. Ahem. You know, we Muppets are very, very loveable. I mean. [ He snuggles up to her. ]

Scred: [ whispering in her ear ] Relax, baby. Relax.

Ploobis: You know, as a matter of fact, until you’ve made it with a Muppet, uh…

[ Applause. Raquel laughs. ]

Raquel Welch: Uh, uh… wait a minute, lover. Are you talking about making love to me?

[ Ploobis and Scred giggle. ]

Ploobis: Well, uh… heh heh…

Raquel Welch: Because — you guys are just puppets, right? I mean, you don’t even exist below the waist.

Ploobis & Scred: Uh… well…

[ They look down, nervously. ]

Raquel Welch: I mean, all you are is the top half of a person, right?

Ploobis: Well, uh… yeah, but, uh…

Raquel Welch: So that kind of makes you just a lot of talk. All talk, right?

Scred: Well, I’m pretty good with my hands!

Raquel Welch: I’ve noticed.

[ Chevy Chase enters. ]

Chevy Chase: Uh… I’m sorry, boys. Ploobis, Scred?

Scred: Yeah?

Chevy Chase: You’re not on this week, I’m sorry.

Ploobis: Yeah, but we’re supposed to be… we work this show…

Chevy Chase: Yeah, I know, but I guess you didn’t get the call. I’m sorry, Raquel — is everything okay?

Raquel Welch: Oh, yeah, it’s okay. They’re just all talk anyway.

Ploobis: Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah? Hunnh. I’m leaving!

[ Ploobis exits. ]

Raquel Welch: Awww…

Scred: Oh, uh… I’m sorry about this, Raquel. And, uh, by the way, I just want to apologize for what I said before, because I can see you get hit on all the time.

Raquel Welch: Yeah, but never by a Muppet before.

Scred: Oh, well, if you’d like my number —

[ Chevy grabs Scred’s snout. ]

Chevy Chase: Scred? Scred? You’re not on this week. Okay?

[ He pushes Scred offstage. ]

Chevy Chase: I’m very sorry about that. They didn’t know, nobody gave them the call — I think the bees or the sharks are on, or something’s on, but you’re doing very well so far, everybody loves the show, the song was great, and uh, all I can say is, relax, and, uh, take your shirt off.

Raquel Welch: Well…

Chevy Chase: Well, Raquel, this is your right as an American. You don’t have to. You don’t have to do that.

Raquel Welch: All right. I don’t have to, right?

Chevy Chase: No, you don’t have to.

Raquel Welch: Cause this is a tasteful show with a lot of class, right?… Now, ladies and gentlemen, I am very pleased to introduce to you a lovely lady, in fact, a genius in the world of contemporary music, Miss Phoebe Snow…

Courtesy of: Tough Pigs Anthology

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