SNL Transcripts: Raquel Welch: 04/24/76: The Muppets



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 18






75r: Raquel Welch / John Sebastian

The Muppets

[ Backstage, in a cobwebby corridor. Scred and Ploobis enter. ]

Ploobis: Oh, Mighty Favog! Are you in here anywhere?

[ Just offstage, The Mighty Favog coughs. ]

The Mighty Favog: I’M OVER HEAH!

Scred: He’s over here, chief.

Ploobis: I heard his voice…

Scred: Yeah, yeah. Oh wow!

[ They find The Mighty Favog sitting on a crate, abandoned and covered in cobwebs. ]

Ploobis: Oh! Oh, Mighty Favog!

The Mighty Favog: TALK TA ME.

Ploobis: Listen. Things are in a terrible state?

The Mighty Favog: YER TELLIN’ ME?

Ploobis: Listen. Our land of Gorch is gone forever.

Scred: Yeah, they burned our scenery.

Ploobis: They burned our scenery… we’re no longer booked on the show… and they said, they said we’re puppets, and we don’t even have a lower half. So what do we do?

The Mighty Favog: DON’T LOOK DOWN.

Scred: Ohhh… This is terrible! Our world is coming to an end!

The Mighty Favog: YA WANT YER GOD’S ADVICE?

Ploobis & Scred: Oh, please! Please!

The Mighty Favog: DON’T BEG… MY ADVICE IS —

Ploobis: Yeah?

The Mighty Favog: FORGET IT.

Scred: Huh?

Ploobis: Forget it? What do you mean, forget it?

The Mighty Favog: I MEAN FORGET IT. PACK IT IN. QUIT.

Scred: Oh, no. No, no.

Ploobis: We can’t do that.

The Mighty Favog: SURE YA CAN. LISTEN. YOU’RE ONLY PUPPETS. YOU’RE NOT EVEN REAL. YOU JUST GET PUT AWAY IN THE TRUNK.

Ploobis: Oh! Oh! Scred — I can’t handle this, Scred.

Scred: Oh, Mighty Favog… where’s the trunk.

The Mighty Favog: IT’S RIGHT OVER THERE.

Ploobis: Oh, no! Not the trunk, anything but the trunk!

The Mighty Favog: IT DON’T HURT TO GET IN THE TRUNK. PUPPETS DON’T HAVE FEELINGS.

Ploobis: Oh… do you believe this is really happening?

The Mighty Favog: JUST OPEN IT UP, AND GET RIGHT IN…

Ploobis: It’s latched… just a sec…

[ They try to open a big prop trunk, but they have trouble… ]

The Mighty Favog: YA CAN’T OPEN IT, YOU’RE PUPPETS!

Ploobis: We’ll get it in a minute!

Scred: Just rip it open! You’re strong.

[ They manage to get the trunk open. ]

Scred: Oh, look! Everybody else is already in here! Hiya, Wisss! Haven’t seen you since November.

Ploobis: Oh, look at that.

[ Peuta pops up in the trunk. ]

Peuta: Ploobis! Where have you been?

Ploobis: Oh, it’s been one of those days, Peuta.

Scred: Everybody shove over, we’re comin’ in…

Peuta: Oh! Ploobis! You can’t get in here! There’s no room to breathe!

Ploobis: Peuta… you’re a puppet. You don’t breathe, you’re not alive.

Peuta: What?

Ploobis: Oh, I don’t want to talk about it. Just get down here…

Scred: Oh! Wait a minute, I’m not in yet!

Ploobis: Get in here, Scred… Oh! There’s Vazh… Hi there, Vazh, how are ya…

[ The trunk closes. The Mighty Favog is the only one left. ]

The Mighty Favog: NOW. IF I COULD JUST TALK THE PRODUCER INTO LETTING ME HOST THE SHOW… RAHHHHRRR…

Courtesy of: Tough Pigs Anthology

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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