Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 1: Episode 18
The Claudine Longet Invitational
Written by: Michael O’Donoghue
Tom Tryman…..Chevy Chase
Jessica Antlerdance…..Jane Curtin
[ This sketch is a parody of Claudine Longet, an actress and singer who began as Andy William’s wholesome wife and later lived a jet-set lifestyle, known for her trips to Cancun hotels and Dominican Republic hotels in the summer, Vale in the winter as well as flings with playboys. ]
Tom Tryman: Good afternoon, this is Tom Tryman!
Jessica Antlerdance: And this is Jessica Antlerdance!
Tom Tryman: And, of course, we’re here in Vale, Colorado, to cover the Claudine Longet Invitational! This is, of course, a men’s freestyle skiing competition!
Jessica Antlerdance: So, without further ado, let’s go to the slopes. Well, we certainly have a beautiful day for it, Tom.
Tom Tryman: Right you are, Jessica. And, of course, first out will be Helmut Kindle. Helmut is a 24-year-old Frenchman – I’m sorry, he’s a West German. And this is his second run of the day, I believe. He had an initial time of 41.8. Looking very good here.
Jessica Antlerdance: That’s right, Tom. But Helmut injured his ankle last month, and that’s bound to affect his performance here today.
Tom Tryman: He caught an edge there, but he seems to be okay, he’s in good shape.. actually, I think he’s a little..[ a shot rings out, as Helmut falls into the snow ]
Tom Tryman: Uh-oh! He seems to have been accidentally shot by Claudine Longet! Yes.. and I’m afraid Helmut Kindle is out of this race!
Jessica Antlerdance: Yes, it’s a shame, but that’s all part of the exciting world of professional skiing, Tom.
Tom Tryman: Well, he definitely seems out of it, Jessica, and I couldn’t agree more. Now, here comes the man to beat — we’re going to be seeing him in a second. Of course, Jean-Paul Baptiste. A 28-year-old civil engineer from Verne, Switzerland. And he’s strong, he’s agile, he’s got a great deal of power, Jessica.
Jessica Antlerdance: He’ll need all the power he’s got on those mobiles, Tom.
Tom Tryman: Look at the way his legs absorb those shocks, as he manuevers his way down this bumpy terrain. There’s a very nice move there, a lot of spring, he’s really playing this hill.
Jessica Antlerdance: It’s easy to see why he won a Bronze Medal in Innsbrook. He’s a strong skiier, and a fierce competitor.
Tom Tryman: Mmm-hmm! Well, I would have to say, it’s a very fast time up to this point. Uh.. he’s doing very well – and there’s a very nice move – uh.. I would say, at this halfway point, he’s gonig to take third, or maybe even a second-place..[ a shot rings out, as Jean-Paul falls into the snow ]
Tom Tryman: Uh-oh! Uh-oh! It looks to me like he’s been accidentally shot by Claudine Longet![ Jean-Paul regains balance on his skis ]
Jessica Antlerdance: Just grazed, I think, Tom..[ second shot rings, as Jean-Paul falls back into the show ]
Jessica Antlerdance: Oh, no! That one got him, he’s down! No, he’s down this time.. no, no! No, he’s getting up![ Jean-Paul continues to ski downhill, albeit a little awkwardly ]
Jessica Antlerdance: Always the mark of a fine athlete is the ability to recover in diffivcult situations.
Tom Tryman: I can’t believe he’s going for the finish line.. and –[ third shot rings out, Jean-Paul is down for good ]
Tom Tryman: Oh, no! Again.. again, he’s been accidentally shot by Claudine Longet, and, this time, I think he’s down to stay, Jessica.
Jessica Antlerdance: We’re running a little late, Tom, so let’s just cut to a few highlights of this event.
Tom Tryman: Alright, let’s do that.[ show skiier falling into the snow ]
Tom Tryman: Uh.. here, she mistakenly dropped her gun and it went off.[ show skiier falling into the snow ]
Jessica Antlerdance: Uh.. here, she was just showing the gun to a friend.[ show skiier falling into the snow ]
Tom Tryman: Yeah.. I think she was just cleaning her gun here, wasn’t she?[ show skiier falling into the snow ]
Tom Tryman: And, once again, of course, showing the un to a friend.[ show skiier falling into the snow ]
Tom Tryman: Here, I think she just put the gun down in the snow, and it went off by mistake.
Jessica Antlerdance: That looked almost like skeet shooting![ Tom and Jessica laugh playfully ]
Tom Tryman: You must mean ski shooting![ Tom and Jessica laugh more sardonically ]
Tom Tryman: Oh, well. This has been Tom Tryman.
Jessica Antlerdance: And Jessica Antlerdance.
Tom Tryman: Here in Vale, Colorado, at the Claudine Longet Invitiational.
Jessica Antlerdance: Ski shooting, that’s very funny! [ laughs ] [ fade ]