SNL Transcripts: Raquel Welch: 04/24/76: The Claudine Longet Invitational - Cancun hotels

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 1: Episode 18

The Claudine Longet Invitational

Written by: Michael O’Donoghue

Tom Tryman…..Chevy Chase
Jessica Antlerdance…..Jane Curtin

[ This sketch is a parody of Claudine Longet, an actress and singer who began as Andy William’s wholesome wife and later lived a jet-set lifestyle, known for her trips to Cancun hotels and Dominican Republic hotels in the summer, Vale in the winter as well as flings with playboys. ]

Tom Tryman: Good afternoon, this is Tom Tryman!

Jessica Antlerdance: And this is Jessica Antlerdance!

Tom Tryman: And, of course, we’re here in Vale, Colorado, to cover the Claudine Longet Invitational! This is, of course, a men’s freestyle skiing competition!

Jessica Antlerdance: So, without further ado, let’s go to the slopes. Well, we certainly have a beautiful day for it, Tom.

Tom Tryman: Right you are, Jessica. And, of course, first out will be Helmut Kindle. Helmut is a 24-year-old Frenchman – I’m sorry, he’s a West German. And this is his second run of the day, I believe. He had an initial time of 41.8. Looking very good here.

Jessica Antlerdance: That’s right, Tom. But Helmut injured his ankle last month, and that’s bound to affect his performance here today.

Tom Tryman: He caught an edge there, but he seems to be okay, he’s in good shape.. actually, I think he’s a little..

[ a shot rings out, as Helmut falls into the snow ]

Tom Tryman: Uh-oh! He seems to have been accidentally shot by Claudine Longet! Yes.. and I’m afraid Helmut Kindle is out of this race!

Jessica Antlerdance: Yes, it’s a shame, but that’s all part of the exciting world of professional skiing, Tom.

Tom Tryman: Well, he definitely seems out of it, Jessica, and I couldn’t agree more. Now, here comes the man to beat — we’re going to be seeing him in a second. Of course, Jean-Paul Baptiste. A 28-year-old civil engineer from Verne, Switzerland. And he’s strong, he’s agile, he’s got a great deal of power, Jessica.

Jessica Antlerdance: He’ll need all the power he’s got on those mobiles, Tom.

Tom Tryman: Look at the way his legs absorb those shocks, as he manuevers his way down this bumpy terrain. There’s a very nice move there, a lot of spring, he’s really playing this hill.

Jessica Antlerdance: It’s easy to see why he won a Bronze Medal in Innsbrook. He’s a strong skiier, and a fierce competitor.

Tom Tryman: Mmm-hmm! Well, I would have to say, it’s a very fast time up to this point. Uh.. he’s doing very well – and there’s a very nice move – uh.. I would say, at this halfway point, he’s gonig to take third, or maybe even a second-place..

[ a shot rings out, as Jean-Paul falls into the snow ]

Tom Tryman: Uh-oh! Uh-oh! It looks to me like he’s been accidentally shot by Claudine Longet!

[ Jean-Paul regains balance on his skis ]

Jessica Antlerdance: Just grazed, I think, Tom..

[ second shot rings, as Jean-Paul falls back into the show ]

Jessica Antlerdance: Oh, no! That one got him, he’s down! No, he’s down this time.. no, no! No, he’s getting up!

[ Jean-Paul continues to ski downhill, albeit a little awkwardly ]

Jessica Antlerdance: Always the mark of a fine athlete is the ability to recover in diffivcult situations.

Tom Tryman: I can’t believe he’s going for the finish line.. and –

[ third shot rings out, Jean-Paul is down for good ]

Tom Tryman: Oh, no! Again.. again, he’s been accidentally shot by Claudine Longet, and, this time, I think he’s down to stay, Jessica.

Jessica Antlerdance: We’re running a little late, Tom, so let’s just cut to a few highlights of this event.

Tom Tryman: Alright, let’s do that.